It’s that time of year again, folks. We must all do our patriotic duty and cast our votes for the individual who will lead our society for the next four years. What, you thought I was talking about the Presidential election? No, that’s super depressing. We’re talking about the return of the ToughPigs Election!
Eight years ago, President Ernie and his veep Bert won out over Fraggle Party candidates Gobo and Red. And then in 2012, we saw a Gonzo/Rizzo Presidency, after their defeat of Grover and Cookie Monster. And now that Gonzo’s term is nearing its end, it is our responsibility to elect a new leader.
This year, Miss Piggy and her running mate Fozzie Bear will be competing against Big Bird and Mr. Snuffleupagus. This is guaranteed to be a heated match.
Over the next few days, you’ll read the arguments, pro and con, for each candidate. ToughPigs writer Joe Hennes will take the pro-Piggy position, while Anthony Strand defends the Bird. After all the arguments have been made, the polls will open, and you will get the chance to vote. The winner will be announced on November 8th, better known as Election Day.
So let’s kick off this race, starting with our argument for Miss Piggy, and tomorrow will cover Big Bird’s big announcement!
My fellow Muppet fans. It is time that we propel our country into the modern day. For far too long, we have elected only men and monsters into office. Aren’t we ready for a new voice? A loud voice? A Pig’s voice!
Miss Piggy is the candidate we need. Raised on a rural farm, much like many blue collar workers, she pulled herself up by her hoofstraps and climbed the ranks in the entertainment world into stardom. She is a self-made Pig, a strong and determined woman, and she knows how to get stuff done. No one knows how to make an entrance like Miss Piggy, and she’ll assuredly be making her entrance of a lifetime into the White House.
Has there ever been a Muppet candidate who not only likes to win, but insists on it? From Bogen County Fair beauty pageants to the Sackler Center for Feminist Art Award, Miss Piggy knows how to come out on top. That determination will surely push Piggy to do whatever is required of her to secure your vote and deliver on her promises to the American public.
For her running mate, Miss P. has chosen none other than Fozzie Bear. Quite possibly the most prestigious sidekick, having served under the greatest Frog leader in Muppet history, Fozzie also recently completed a term as Miss Piggy’s warm up Bear on Up Late with Miss Piggy. Clearly, their unique partnership will carry them through to greatness. Truly, patriotism swells in the heart of this American Bear.
Below, you’ll find Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear’s stance on the most important topics our great country is concerned with. Sadly, there’s no room here for the candidates’ stance on the use of karate in the workplace, but we can save that for the debates.
Miss Piggy will make great strides in creating jobs. Personal assistants, chauffeurs, agents, attorneys, personal trainers, and minks will all be able to find employment under President Piggy. And Piggy prides herself on being a successful businesswoman. She is a published author with her own perfume line and, lest we forget, her own product Piggy Water.
Veep hopeful Fozzie Bear is extremely knowledgeable when it comes to the economy as well. He was even featured as an expert analyst on ABC with Ted Koppel to discuss the inner workings of the stock market. Besides, who better to know the ins and outs of the bear and bull markets than Fozzie and Piggy?
Proud college graduates of Danhurst College, both decorated for their work in the theatrical arts, Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear have dedicated their lives to educating the young. Miss Piggy has generously lent her visage to dozens of different school supplies in the hopes to inspire young minds. Meanwhile, Fozzie Bear has donned his cap and gown to give speeches on topics such as Post-Keynesian Economics to students alongside other scholars such as Peter Ustinov. Just imagine where our children would be today if it weren’t for the great work of these visionaries.
As a bear, Fozzie is naturally a huge proponent of keeping nature secure, clean, and thriving. He even starred in several PSAs for the National Wildlife Federation to denounce littering and to promote the recycling of things like cans, newspapers, and Snoo. (What’s Snoo, you ask? Not much, what’s Snoo with you? Wocka wocka!) Miss Piggy’s glamorous lifestyle admittedly doesn’t lend itself to much tree hugging, but she has shown time and time again that she is willing to educate herself on the matter. Take, for example, when she prepared for her time hiking through the swamp with Kermit the Frog and John Denver. She was well equipped with her boots, backpack, and a stick long enough to jam into a crocodile’s mouth if it tried to eat her. She may as well steal the Boy Scouts motto, as Miss Piggy is the best at being prepared for anything.
You want political experience? We’ve got political experience! Miss Piggy has always had her eyes on the Presidency, first running in her “Muppet Kids” days, and then in 1980 she announced her bid on the cover of LIFE Magazine. In 1992, she even held a public debate against former President Gonzo the Great live on Good Morning America. If that wasn’t enough, Miss Piggy has emulated several of our founding fathers as George Washington and Abraham Lincoln in an attempt at proving her worth as a politician, a patriot, and a Pig.
Miss Piggy has led some groundbreaking work in international relations. As a former employee of the United Kingdom (Executive Assistant and part-time model for Lady Holiday Designs) as well as France (plus-sized fashion editor of Vogue Paris), she has shown great pride in her overseas diplomacy. They say that only Nixon could go to China, but only Miss Piggy could go to Russia, as she did in 1988 to hold a summit with the Russian pig celebrity Khriusha.
Both of our candidates have extensive experience in the health care industry. Miss Piggy is a trained nurse, having served under the inscrutable Dr. Bob at the Veterinarian’s Hospital. Fozzie Bear formerly worked the fast-paced, highly tense environment as an emergency room doctor in EIEIO-R. Can our opponent tout the same amount of experience? No, because he’s only six, which means it’s impossible for him to have attained the proper amount of schooling it takes to work in the medical field.
Miss Piggy welcomes all immigrants, as long as they contribute to her lifestyle and don’t take up too much of the spotlight.
Only one candidate in this race can say they have served as First Mate on an actual space ship, and that is Presidential hopeful Miss Piggy. Even working under the inept Captain Link Hogthrob, she has taken the leadership initiative on many occasions. And while President Piggy may be busy with her space exploration, Vice President Fozzie Bear will use the skills he picked up as local law enforcement office Patrol Bear to keep our domestic lives stable.
In short, you can fully expect President Piggy to karate chop the National Debt, judo kick private interest lobbyists, and put the unemployment rate in a headlock until it submits. She will truly be the leading lady of our great nation, as well as any talk shows she happens to book. Isn’t it time we had a Pig in the White House?
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by Joe Hennes – Joe@ToughPigs.com