Pro-Piggy – Pro-Bird – Anti-Bird – Anti-Piggy – Results
In politics these days, a negative tone is not only common but expected. You probably clicked on this article expecting to read a hatchet job slamming Miss Piggy. But at Big Bird campaign headquarters, we follow the lead of our candidate, who isn’t capable of insulting anyone. So instead of knocking Miss Piggy down, we’re going to list some of her greatest accomplishments – career highlights that show what kind of a leader she would be.
1976 – Miss Piggy’s big break was as a member of the Muppet Glee Club. Although she was supposed to be part of an ensemble, she quickly took center stage, making herself the focus by singing louder and more forcefully than anyone else. Even when the club’s director told her she needed to back off and give others a chance, she refused. She will no doubt show that same determination and lack of cooperation as President.
1978 – When Piggy met her opponent Big Bird for the first time, she was astonished that he didn’t know who she was. She wowed him by putting on a friendly – and very versatile – acrobatics show. This is a perfect example of the lengths Piggy will go to when she wants to make an impression on someone.
1979 – When Miss Piggy caught world-famous scientist Professor Krassman conducting experiments on her frog boyfriend, she karate chopped him until he became an invalid. As President, Miss Piggy will continue her crusade against science, making sure that scientific progress is blocked at every turn.
1981 – When she was hired as Lady Holiday’s secretary, Piggy pretended to be a famous fashion designer *and* a famous model, even though she had no discernible talent or skills. What a great imagination! Today’s she’s using that same imagination to pretend she’s qualified to be President.
1984 – Piggy got a job selling Quelle Differance, a perfume designed to catch rotten stinking men. Her pitch was incredibly successful, even allowing her to loosen up Bergdorf-Goodman’s notoriously stuffy image. The management couldn’t handle her out-of-the-box thinking and she was promptly let go. Will the nation respond any better to her fresh, new, unproven ideas?
1987 – When her friends were all trapped in a farmhouse during a snowstorm, Miss Piggy risked life and limb to get there to join them. That’s right – she put herself in danger just so she could make a big show-stopping entrance and impress everyone with her fancy fur coat and dog sled. With Miss Piggy, the spectacle is always more important than safety, and what’s more spectacular than a big beautiful mushroom cloud?
1995 – Miss Piggy celebrated Christmas with a crusade to bring down the notorious criminal Martha Stewart, mostly through repetition of the word “Necco.” If Piggy is elected, we can expect more of this brand of justice, as she’ll devote millions of taxpayer dollars to her oddly specific tactics.
1996 – Fresh from her years as a sailor, Piggy discovered a thriving native culture on a small island. Like many conquistadors, monarchs, and presidents throughout history, she promptly took over. Deeming herself smarter and more benevolent than the natives, she imposed her will on them and forced them to worship her as a goddess.
That’s certainly one sign of a successful leader.
2002 – Piggy starred as Saltine in the disastrous stage show Moulin Scrooge. Always eager to look back on past successes – but never dwelling on her failures – she was heard asking her producer to list his ten favorite things about her performance. As Commander-in-Chief, she will keep this positive outlook, refusing to admit her mistakes no matter how huge they might be.
2011 – Piggy worked her way up through the ranks of the fashion publishing industry, becoming an editor at Vogue Paris. Having achieved great success in her field, she walked away without notice because her ex-boyfriend showed up and asked her to go back to their old job instead. Always true to her heart, Miss Piggy will certainly subject the American people to these same capricious whims.
2015 – As host of the late night talk show Up Late with Miss Piggy, Piggy invited a parade of blonde female guests, undoubtedly because they physically resembled her favorite person, Miss Piggy. Rather than treating them like friends and equals, she subjected all of these guests to tricks, pranks, and humiliation. When Miss Piggy sees competition of any kind, she goes straight for the jugular, eliminating all perceived threats without asking questions.
We all know what kind of president Piggy would make – forceful, uncompromising, self-confident, and above all cunning. She’s a reliable and trustworthy candidate. You can always rely on her to look out for number one, and you can always trust her to do anything to promote herself – no matter who gets in her way.
If that sounds good, by all means, vote for Miss Piggy.
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by Anthony Strand – Anthony@ToughPigs.com
