Awards season is once again upon us! And the world is getting ready to find out what movies are actually good, which is important for people who aren’t able to form their own opinions.
As we do every year, we’re helping you all out with your Oscar pools by predicting the Academy Awards winners. We have a pretty fool-proof system too. We choose the winners by their Muppet connections. (Okay, so last year we only correctly predicted one winner… So the law of averages say that this year will be a clean sweep!) The theory is this: If you’ve worked with the Muppets, you’ve made the big time. If you’ve worked with the Muppets a lot, you’re an A-lister. This is why Whoopi Goldberg and John Denver are thought of as Hollywood’s elite.
Let’s get started! And the nominees are…
Actor in a Supporting Role
Barkhad Abdi for Captain Phillips
Bradley Cooper for American Hustle
Michael Fassbender for 12 Years a Slave
Jonah Hill for The Wolf of Wall Street
Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club
We incorrectly predicted that Jonah Hill would win the Oscar for Supporting Actor two years ago, and it really bothers us that the phrase “Two-time Oscar nominee Jonah Hill” is a real thing, so we’re giving this one to Michael Fassbender for that time he was interviewed by Miss Piggy at the BAFTA Awards (and she later admitted to having seen Shame 12 times, which does not surprise me at all).
Actress in a Supporting Role
Sally Hawkins for Blue Jasmine
Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle
Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Slave
Julia Roberts for August: Osage County
June Squibb for Nebraska
Yeah, Julia Roberts should probably win due to her appearance on Sesame Street from 1990, but only one of these actresses can boast the claim that they’ve been portrayed by Cookie Monster not once, but twice. Yes, Cookie Monster has portrayed Katniss Everdeen (or, “Cookie-ness Evereat”) in an Entertainment Weekly video and a Crummy Pictures Hunger Games spoof. Maybe next year we’ll see Mr. Snuffleupagus’s June Squibb impression, and all bets will be off.
Actor in a Leading Role
Christian Bale for American Hustle
Bruce Dern for Nebraska
Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street
Chiwetel Ejiofor for 12 Years a Slave
Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club
Most of these guys have no connection to the Muppets at all. The closest Bruce Dern got was a photograph of his daughter with Kermit the Frog from 1996. However, Christian Bale made it possible for the animated gif below, and so he’ll be taking home the gold.
Actress in a Leading Role
Amy Adams for American Hustle
Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine
Sandra Bullock for Gravity
Judi Dench for Philomena
Meryl Streep for August: Osage County
This might be our toughest category! Meryl Streep appeared with Miss Piggy on the red carpet of a Good Housekeeping event in 2010, and she inspired a classic Sesame Street character. Sandra Bullock had her very own episode of Muppets Tonight, in which she called in a bomb threat on the Muppet Theater. And of course, Amy Adams brought the house down as Mary in The Muppets back in 2011. We gave this one to Amy Adams both in 2011 and in 2013, so at the risk of being repetitive (not to mention, repetitive), we’ll call this one for Sandra Bullock, if only for her rousing interpretation of “Manha Manha”.
Animated Feature Film
The Croods
Despicable Me 2
Ernest & Celestine
Frozen
The Wind Rises
The animation nominees include cavemen, supervillains, ice queens, and airplane manufacturers, none of which really scream “Muppets”. But Ernest & Celestine is a story about a mouse and a bear who become friends, so if you squint and turn your head to the side and are slightly drunk, you could see it as a movie all about Bobo and Rizzo.
Directing
David O. Russell for American Hustle
Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity
Alexander Payne for Nebraska
Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave
Martin Scorsese for The Wolf of Wall Street
Y’know, I fully expected there to be a Martin Scorsese caricature Muppet from some random episode of Sesame Street or Statler and Waldorf’s From the Balcony or something, but the Muppets just haven’t gotten around to spoofing that man and his eyebrows yet. But Marty will still win the Oscar, partly because none of the other nominated directors have any Muppet connections, and partly because someone edited together this Scorsese Sesame Street spoof. (NSFW language, because have you ever seen a Scorsese movie??)
Foreign Language Film
The Broken Circle Breakdown – Belgium
The Great Beauty – Italy
The Hunt – Denmark
The Missing Picture – Cambodia
Omar – Palestine
I bet you didn’t know that there was a movie all about Richard Hunt. Or that he’s so popular in Denmark.
Best Picture
American Hustle
Captain Phillips
Dallas Buyers Club
Gravity
Her
Nebraska
Philomena
12 Years a Slave
The Wolf of Wall Street
This one could go to pretty much any of these. In Captain Phillips, Tom Hanks’s character really loves his boat. The Muppets have had their fair share of wolves (some of whom may have been to Wall Street) over the years. The number 12 has sponsored Sesame Street many times. Baby Fozzie was once seen in Nebraska, which is really sad for the entire state. In Her, the title character is kind of, sort of performed like a puppet. But nothing compares to Gravity, which shares the same backdrop as so many Muppet productions. Muppet astronauts include Slimey the Worm, Cookie Monster, the Pigs in Space crew, Elmo, Grover, Gonzo, Kermit, and many many more. And let’s not forget the Muppets’ long history of disdain for outer space, just like Sandra Bullock’s character’s crisis, as evidenced by their attitude toward the moon.
Host
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen’s gonna do just fine. She’s been on Sesame Street a few times, once to share a pair of headphones with Elmo, and another time to put on a tutu and present the word “ballet“. She also did a bit with Elmo where she repeatedly compared their names, just like David Letterman did with “Uma” and “Oprah” at the Oscars when he was the host. So yeah, she’s got just about everything she needs to host the Academy Awards.
The Academy Awards will air on ABC starting at 7:00pm ET on March 2nd. Be sure to tune in to see how many of our picks take home one of those little golden naked men!
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by Joe Hennes – Joe@ToughPigs.com
