Crater Haters (or, No Praises for Lunar Phases)

Published: July 19, 2009
Categories: Feature, Fun Stuff

Forty years ago today, Apollo 11 landed on the Moon, and people all over the world watched in awe as the first human beings set foot on the big rock in the sky. Four months later, Sesame Street premiered, and completely spoiled the excitement of space travel.

As exciting as it was to see two guys bounce around on the Moon, Sesame Street didn’t take much time before turning that crowning achievement into nothing more than a blip in aeronautic history.

Ernie himself has expressed his distinct disinterest in lunar travel and the eventual colonization of the Moon. In “I Don’t Want to Live on the Moon,” he compares living on the Moon to the horror of trying to survive underwater, living amongst dangerous animals in the jungle, and a lifetime of running from man-eating dinosaurs. Thankfully, Ernie’s warning has given us the comfort of knowing that our lives are much better without the possibility of having to live on the Moon, especially one with so little real estate that it can barely hold one Ernie-sized Muppet.

In his opus, “C is for Cookie,” Cookie Monster declares that “the Moon sometimes looks like a C, but you can’t eat that.” Of course, that wouldn’t stop him from trying. Sesame Street‘s resident overeater once compared the Moon to his most desirable temptation in “If Moon Were Cookie.” In the song, he fantasizes about riding in a convertible-style rocket ship to the Moon, and then eating and digesting that giant satellite that gives us moonlight and controls our tides, thus tossing civilization on earth into utter chaos. He then discovers that the whole endeavor would be catastrophic and regrets thinking of it in the first place. How great could the Moon be if Cookie Monster is so willing to abandon the embodiment of his obsession?

Even “Other Guy on the Moon” Buzz Aldrin had to disillusion Cookie Monster by explaining that the Moon is made of boring old rocks, as opposed to totally awesome cookies. Why does the Moon have to suck so bad, Buzz Aldrin? Why???

In 1998, five brave worms ventured into outer space to wriggle on the Moon (while forming letters and numbers in zero-G, because that’s totally what I’d do if I could float around weightlessly). Though their vessel was blessed by Mr. Tony Bennett, their trek into the void is marred by one thought: Why worms? Is it because they eat less, take up less room, and can use a toothbrush holder as a spacesuit? No, it’s because they chose the most inferior species on earth to send to the lifeless rock in the sky, where they’ll most likely burn up on reentry. Sorry worms, but this mission isn’t even worth the time of our space monkeys, let alone human beings.

Sesame Street has never steered me wrong before, and if they’re going to come straight out and say that the Moon is a useless splotch in the sky, one which nobody in their right mind would ever even consider visiting, then I’m happy taking their word for it. The Moon sucks, and I am willing to get punched in the face by Buzz Aldrin to defend my position. Besides, it seems like they’ll let just about anybody onto the Moon these days.

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by Joe Hennes –

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