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But you know what you want to not do? You want to not get your costume from a professional costume shop.

I really can’t tell you why; it’s one of the great mysteries of Halloween. Every year, I scout around looking for pictures of Muppet costumes, and without fail, the shadiest ones are always from costume shops.

Like take these, for instance. Why would you pay good money to rent these costumes? If I had a costume that looked like that, I’d pretend to have a headache and just send the costume off to the party without me. I don’t know what Big Bird is holding there, but it looks to me like a ransom note. I think the costume is threatening to keep the girl inside unless it gets paid off. I’d pay up if I were you.

This Kermit suit is fifty bucks a day, which honestly isn’t that expensive unless you factor in psychological counseling and court costs. Plus it comes with spats, and how often do you get to wear spats. The Big Bird costume is pretty hard to take. It’s suffering from that kind of deflated, nappy effect that you get from costume shop rentals. Add in the deadpan expression, and it looks a lot like Big Bird’s lost weekend. This Big Bird is about to hit you up for weed.

And even when you find a shop with good stuff, you can’t trust them. I think these are really good, especially the Swedish Chef and Kermit. I’m not as warm on the Count and Miss Piggy, but they’re solid.

But this same costume shop was also offering this:

halloween535

And I mean, what the hell, right? What are you supposed to do with something like that? I guess they just got cocky or something. It happens. You make a good Swedish Chef, and a decent Miss Piggy, and then you get ambitious, and you end up with something like this. They tampered in God’s domain.

I have to say, I don’t really understand why you’d want to make a big puffy head Count costume anyway. The Count’s more or less a person. Couldn’t you just put on purple makeup and a wig? And maybe also make sure that you’re not a woman?

But I guess the whole trick of the costume shop is that you climb into the costume, and you try to look at yourself in the mirror, but you can’t really see out of the costume, so you don’t really appreciate how frightening you look. If you’re on your way to a costume shop right now, I urge you: Bring a friend. Preferably a very honest friend with good eyesight.

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by Danny Horn

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