My esteemed colleague, Mr. J. M. Hennes, argued earlier this week in favor of a Gobo Fraggle Presidency. He worked hard to paint Gobo as someone who will strengthen the United States and extend a radish leaf of peace to all the nations of the world. It’s a commendable thought, and I certainly respect Joe’s right to feel that way. But the truth of the matter is this: Gobo Fraggle is completely unfit for the job of President.
Now, I could go down the expected path and paint Fraggle society as Socialistic. I could even make an unfair comparison between the name of Gobo’s running mate and the symbolic color of Communism, as seen in ugly propaganda like this:
But I’m not that person. There are many things about Fraggle culture that I admire and respect. I think one day this country would do very well to elect a Fraggle as President. But today is not that day, and Gobo is not that Fraggle. Simply put, the man is selfish and full of himself. He has frequently boasted of his self-reliance and the uselessness of relying on others. “I knew I was good,” he says proudly, with an egotistical grin.
His running mate isn’t much better, proclaiming for all to hear that, “All I need is me, me, me!” She has also shown a fool-hardy obliviousness to the achievements of others. When the Minstrels made their first appearance in Fraggle Rock, she cared only that she was the first one in the pool. Are these the type of people you want running your nation? People who put themselves first and have, in the past, bickered between themselves over who is “the leader“?
I don’t mean to dwell on Red Fraggle’s character, but she has shown an unfortunate willingness in the past to change her personality in order to win the affection of others. Ernie’s running mate, on the other hand, is very proud of being square, and wouldn’t change who he is for any reason.
I’d like to talk for a moment about Mr. Hennes’ specific claims. He mentioned the Last of the Lily Creatures in his pitch. Red’s treatment of that very important animal shows exactly how she and Gobo will treat the rest of this country. She promised she would come back to look after him, but the record shows that she never, ever did.
Mr. Hennes also stated that Gobo would end reliance on foreign radishes. Yet when has Gobo ever attempted to start a radish farm? His entire life has been spent stealing them from the Gorgs or, in the form of Doozer sticks, the Doozers. The Gobo/Red platform is built on empty promises, and there’s no indication that this will change in the future.
His claims that Gobo has a solid track record on foreign policy are simply ridiculous. Gobo spent years treating Doozers like scum and cowering in irrational fear of the Gorgs. A sudden change of heart at the end doesn’t erase that. He has also never taken a clear stand on the environment, switching back and forth between positions based on what his close advisor Convincing John told him to do. This long-standing ignorance is frightening, and sure to be repeated during his Presidency.
Convincing John, of course, is hardly the worst of Gobo’s advisors. Mr. Hennes very proudly stresses Gobo’s connection to his uncle, “Traveling” Matt Fraggle, calling him a capable explorer. Surely even Gobo’s most ardent supporters can see that the man is an embarrassment, a loose cannon and a huge albatross around the campaign’s neck. He thinks chewing gum makes your tongue explode. I can’t stress that enough.
As I mentioned, Gobo genuinely believes that his uncle Matt is exploring outer space. In fact, he is exploring the Earth. Gobo Fraggle cannot tell the difference between:
Think about that.
Now, Gobo Fraggle is certainly an appealing figure. He’s youthful, he’s enthusiastic, and he has big plans. It’s easy to be tempted to vote for him after his rousing speeches and memorable songs. But at heart, Gobo Fraggle will always put Gobo Fraggle first. We need a President who’ll put the American people first, and Ernie is it.
Seriously, though, I’d like to thank our own Joe Hennes for making all of the photoshopped images for this series of articles. That’s all Joe, folks. I tip my hat to him.
He’ll be back tomorrow with some preposterous anti-Ernie slander.
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by Anthony Strand