Last week, BuzzFeed Community Member Doug Ray put together a list of “great unanswered questions” about A Muppet Family Christmas. Muppet fans were amused enough by this list, but we couldn’t help but notice that many of these questions actually had answers (not to mention the fact that few of them were great). Since the holidays are a time to remember those with less and share with them, and I have nothing if not an encyclopedic knowledge of all things Muppets, I thought I’d take some time to answer these questions. Because that’s obviously the reason anyone writes anything on the internet: To be proven wrong by someone who knows more than you. I’m just doing my part.
1. Is it legal to carry that many people in the back of a pick up truck?
I highly doubt it. But remember, these aren’t people, they’re Muppets. They’ve been thrown out of and hit by motor vehicles before. They’ve been stuffed into tiny spaces and put into dangerous situations. And the same can be said for the puppeteers. They can handle it.
2. Why are the windows open?
So that some of the heat from the cab can get to their friends in the pickup bed, silly! Those guys are awfully thoughtful.
3. Who is this orange haired guy? Never seen him before or since.
His name is Lips, and he’s been around since the 5th season of The Muppet Show, thirty-three years ago. You should watch some Muppet stuff sometime, you’d probably like it.
4. Why didn’t Fozzie call his mother to let her know he was bringing over the whole Muppet troupe?
I know you say you don’t buy the answer that “bears love surprises,” but at least Fozzie thinks so.
5. Why is Fozzie’s Mom dressed like she’s already in Malibu?
If she’s getting a ride to the airport, (which is likely, because who wants to spend money on airport parking?) then she’s going from her heated house to a heated car straight to the heated airport to heated Malibu. I doubt she’s spending much time outside in the cold. I don’t know about you, but my vacations always start the second I walk out the door, weather be damned. Perhaps a better question would be: Why does Fozzie’s mom look exactly like Fozzie in drag?
6. How could Doc not know he was renting from a bear?
Because Muppet bears strangely sound like humans when they’re on the telephone. Fozzie, for example, sounds just like a humanoid named Bert.
7. Why does Gonzo go in for a greeting kiss with Fozzie’s mom?
The Muppets are like family, and since Gonzo doesn’t have much family (or at least he won’t until 1999), he accepts Fozzie’s family as he would his own. And naturally, Gonzo has a tendency to overdo things. With his lips. And maybe a little tongue, if she’s down for it.
8. Why is Doc not demanding a refund right now?
He doesn’t know the exchange rate for Canadian dollars.
9. Why is Sam the Eagle there?
Why is Sam the Eagle anywhere? He never seems welcome, and he never has a good time. So, he’s right at home at a Christmas with the Muppets.
10. Does Fozzie actually have to introduce Kermit to his mother?
Probably not, though when she was in the audience of The Muppet Show, she did fall asleep. Perhaps Fozzie thought she wasn’t paying attention. The more frightening answer is that she may have short-term memory loss, which would explains a lot of her behavior.
11. How did Fozzie’s mom take three months of surfing lessons?
On the internet! Because she was surfing… the web… you see… Wocka wocka?
12. How does Miss Piggy know the Bear residence’s phone number?
This was the age before cell phones. People actually used to give each other numbers for where they’d be. It was a magical time.
13. Why did the Swedish Chef come alone?
They left him at the gas station. He said he’d be right back, but no one understood him.
14. Why did the turkey bring a tennis racket?
To be fair, the Swedish Chef did tell him he’d be served. I guess he just filled in his own blanks.
15. How did the Electric Mayhem get set up so quickly?
Rat roadies. Horrible, terrifying, disease-ridden rat roadies.
16. Seriously, who is this guy?
I already told you, his name is Lips! He was on The Muppet Show and in The Great Muppet Caper! Dave Goelz said he’ll be in Muppets Most Wanted too, so get used to him.
17. What are Rowlf and Sprocket talking about?
They’re planning the inaugural meeting of the Organization of Muppet Dogs.
18. Where can I find a place with singing woodland creatures?
Be careful, that didn’t work so well for Bambi’s mom.
19. Are penguins qualified to critique comedy?
Yes, but they have to join the union first.
20. Fozzie’s mom is named Emily? That seems a bit odd. In addition, when did Kermit learn this? It’s not in the script.
Sure her name is Emily! Bears have names too. And what’s this about the script? Are you attempting to make a reference to the screenplay-reading scene in The Muppet Movie? You might want to leave that joke to the Muppets.
21. How exactly did the turkey convince the Swedish Chef that Sprocket is a turkey and not a dog?
Through the power of hypnosis, suggestion, and positive thinking! Also, the Swedish Chef is not the hottest burner on the stove.
22. Why did Fozzie have to introduce Kermit to his mom if they are in this home movie together as babies?
That’s… actually a good question? Nothing makes sense anymore! My entire world has been turned upside-down!!
23. Why does Emily Bear admit to remembering the film being made?
Obviously her short-term memory loss is degrading into dementia, and she can only remember certain events, even if she can’t remember the people involved. Wow, A Muppet Family Christmas is the most depressing Christmas special ever.
24. Why doesn’t Camilla go right back to Gonzo?
Don’t worry; they’re back together by the end of the special (spoilers). In the end, she can’t stop loving Gonzo. Everyone should date someone like him.
25. How is it that the entire cast of Sesame Street was randomly caroling in this remote rural place? They couldn’t have been invited. Kermit is the only one that knows them, and he wouldn’t do this to Fozzie’s Mom.
You say that only Kermit knows them, but that’s not exactly true. Many Sesame Street characters were on The Muppet Show at various points, not to mention all of them being present at Kermit and Miss Piggy’s wedding three years earlier, so Fozzie probably hit it off with Simon Soundman and invited the whole group to his mom’s.
26. Is this the greatest exchange in television history?
No, that would go to “Good Grief, the Comedian’s a Bear!” The “Small Talk” comes in a close second.
27. Did the writer seriously just suggest that the Swedish Chef is willing to kill Big Bird?
Of course he did! Remember the time he tried to cook Robin? Or a moose? Or talking lobsters? Or Kermit the Frog, the guy who signs his paychecks? Big Bird isn’t such a stretch now, is it?
28. Did they forget to invite the Newsman up to the farmhouse?
They invited him, but the news doesn’t rest, even on Christmas Eve.
29. When Oscar says it might be nice to have Rizzo in his trash can, does he mean that he would like that or not?
That’s the grouches’ paradox: what makes them happy makes them miserable, which makes them happy, which makes them miserable, which makes them happy, which makes them miserable… For more on this subject, see every talk show and public appearance Oscar has made for the past 45 years.
30. Why does Burt look so good in drag?
Well, Mr. Reynolds is a big Hollywood star and he doesn’t take himself too seriously… oh wait, you mean Bert. Spelling is important!
31. Is nothing sacred?
I’d say the look in a child’s eyes when they see the wonder of the holiday season everywhere. But no, the Two-Headed Monster dressed as Santa is far from sacred.
32. What was the Blizzard of ’41 like?
Absolutely brutal. In doing some cursory research, I’ve learned that there actually was a horrendous blizzard in parts of North Dakota and Minnesota on March 15, 1941, which might narrow down the location of the Bear residence a bit.
33. Why was Miss Piggy not deterred when her limo driver crashed into a snow bank?
This is Miss Piggy we’re talking about. She has broken out of prison, led a police chase on motorcycle, chased down a purse-snatcher, and shoved a mad scientist into a electronic cerebrectomy. Girl isn’t afraid of anyone or anything.
34. Is it a conflict of interest that Fozzie’s mom is friends with his biggest critics?
God yes. Can you imagine discovering that your worst enemies are buddies with your mom? That makes Statler and Waldorf awful human beings for treating their friend’s son so horribly and it makes Fozzie’s mom even worse for letting them get away with it. Basically, everyone is terrible.
35. In addition, Emily claims that they come by each Christmas. Why didn’t she tell them she was going to be in Malibu?
It’s that memory loss. And dementia. Maybe the Bear family will be spending next Christmas at the old folks’ home.
36. How does the Swedish Chef intend on cooking Big Bird?
And once again, the Swedish Chef’s plans backfire before he’s even started. Although if he was planning on stuffing Big Bird with the Turkey, which is stuffed with Camilla, he’d have a Muppet version of the Turducken worth building a new (humungous) oven for.
37. Since when are Doc and the Muppets friends?
You try sharing a farmhouse with the Muppets and not loving them before the end of the day.
38. How does Kermit already know about Fraggles?
I’m pretty sure the information’s right under his nose. And his torso.
39. What is the Fraggle version of Christmas called?
The Festival of the Bells. (And to those who celebate, Weeba Weeba!)
40. When you live in Fraggle Rock, how is a pebble that’s been regifted 37 times considered a good gift?
Haven’t you been paying attention? It’s a Fraggle custom! Anyway, they probably think a fat man with flying reindeer coming down your chimney to give you free stuff is just as odd. Re-gifting pebbles seems downright reasonable in comparison.
41. Why is Kermit in such a rush?
He’s a frog on a mission! He’s also driving the entire plot, so just let him run around.
42. How did Miss Piggy manage to have a dog sled and team and a perfectly sized Royal Canadian Mounted Police costume for Doc?
Have you seen what she can fit in her purse?
43. Why does Kermit think he can get around this by saying that Doc “doesn’t have to explain?”
Because Doc doesn’t have to explain. And neither do we. So there.
44. If Sam doesn’t want to be here, why is he singing along?
Because for once, the Muppets are singing wholesome, decent Christmas carols. I guess that’s sort of his Christmas miracle.
45. Why didn’t anyone think to throw down some salt or sand on the icy spot?
I bet they wanted to, but anyone who tried slipped on it. You should really look out for the icy patch.
46. Where did Kermit’s outfit come from?
Kermit is on vacation. You don’t think he brought a change of clothes with him? Or rather, any clothes with him? (Seriously, the dude walks around naked most of the time.)
47. Is there a better song for The Count to sing lead on than I Saw Three Ships (Come Sailing In)?
I bet he could sing “The Twelve Days of Christmas” for twelve actual days.
48. How does Doc not notice the Fraggles?
Because they’re behind him. Doc does not have eyes in the back of his head. Are we really arguing physics here??
49. Why isn’t Oscar taking this as an opportunity to make an epic photobomb?
Every picture with Oscar is epic, and since he never intends to be photographed, they’re all technically photobombs.
50. Who gave those lamps to the woodland creatures?
It’s Christmas Eve. A magical fat man in red crosses the world to give gifts underneath pine trees. You do the math.
51. Would it be possible to get away with a fur coat joke today?
Yes, but Maureen would probably end up covered in red paint.
52. What did Grover end up doing with the Fraggle pebble after Robin gave it to him?
He probably kept with the tradition and (*Wembley grunt*) passed it on! I bet he gave it to Bert. Bert seems like someone who would appreciate a nice, smooth pebble.
53. Why did Santa come in through the front door?
Would you want to try squeezing into that crowded living room?
54. Shouldn’t Jim Henson be puppeteering? Really, you should be with Muppet.
“You should be with Muppet,” eh? But no, not in this shot. Steve Whitmire performs Sprocket. Jim performs himself.
55. Where did all those dishes come from?
Well, the Swedish Chef did make shredded wheat and cranberry sauce. Someone had to eat it!
56. Where was Sweetums?
Running down the road, shouting, “Hey! Wait for me! I wanna spend Christmas at Fozzie’s mom’s house!”
57. Is this the greatest television Christmas special?
I hope this has been an entertaining and (somewhat) informative experience for you. And to Mr. Ray, I hope there are no hard feelings. Any Muppet fan’s a good Muppet fan in my book! I wish you all the happiest of holidays and a wonderful new year. Something tells me 2014’s going to be pretty awesome…
Click here to slip on the icy patch of the ToughPigs forum!
by Matthew Soberman
