The dating pool can be a touchy scene. People are usually either too picky or too desperate, which will often end in disaster. It can sometimes be hard to find someone who matches either your level of intensity or your way of serenity, so I am here to offer you a tidbit of advice when it comes to searching for your next beau. If you ever get the chance when trying to snag a date, then I strongly recommend you heed these words:

Everyone should date a Gonzo.

This phrase may confuse some people, either because they do not know what a Gonzo is or because they are mixed up on what being a Gonzo means. First and foremost, yes, I am talking about the crazy blue Muppet. As for what being a Gonzo means… actually, y’know, I should probably start off with my definition of what does not make a Gonzo. Being a Gonzo doesn’t necessarily entail what you might think. A Gonzo doesn’t have to play a trumpet, nor do they have to have an immense amount of knowledge on toilet fixing. A Gonzo doesn’t have to be infatuated with chickens, covered in blue fur, or have a huge nose. No, those are certainly qualities that have made the character of Gonzo from the Muppet gang recognizable worldwide, but when searching for a Gonzo to put into your life these are not the traits you should necessarily be looking for (and, quite honestly, if you are dating someone who makes you dress up like a chicken whenever you’re together, that may very well be a sign for you to hightail it out of there).

Okay, now that that’s been covered, I’m sure there are still some of you who are saying, “Well that’s all very well and good, but I still don’t get it. Why would I want to date Gonzo?”

Let me explain.

Date a Gonzo because you’ll never know what the day has in store for you. Your relationship will never be stale; it will never fall into an ordinary, dull routine of painstakingly mundane events that only leads to you yearning for something more. Every day will bring something fresh, something new to the table. You’ll never have a single uninteresting moment when you’re with a Gonzo. They’ll keep a smile on your face and a skip in your heart every step of the way.

Date a Gonzo because a Gonzo is the ever optimist, always believing there is something more that can and should be done. They believe their plans will go off without a hitch, they’ll never say no to an adventure, and they somehow always manage to look on the bright side of things. This really struck me during the scene in The Great Muppet Caper where the guys are out with Miss Piggy on Kermit’s date. While Fozzie and Kermit were busy worrying over how they were going to afford their meal with “Lady Holiday”, Gonzo did not hesitate to jump into action and instantly began taking pictures for money. No one asked him to, he just acted on instinct. This brings up a whole other point: a Gonzo is selfless. They’ll do things for others without being asked and they won’t complain whilst doing it. They will always give you their all. A Gonzo does not give up and will do whatever it takes to make sure everyone is happy. What? What’s that? A kid’s letter didn’t make it to Santa Claus and now she may not get her Christmas wish? No problem, because a Gonzo will take that letter all the way to the North Pole, because that’s what a Gonzo does.

Oh sure, a Gonzo may not seem the most appealing at times, what with their eccentric ways and strange sense of style. You’re certainly going to receive some questioning glances from your friends when they first meet your Gonzo, but you will not care, not in the slightest, because when you’re with a Gonzo you learn to embrace the eccentricities. Besides, a Gonzo’s sense of style is fabulous (though the rest of the world may not agree), whether they’re wearing a purple velvet suit or chili pepper shirts. When clothes shopping for my own brother two Christmases ago, I began to lecture my dad about how it’s a crime that more men in the world don’t wear argyle. It was a few days later, as I was watching The Muppets for the umpteenth time in theaters, that I realized just why I was so keen on argyle that Christmas season (Gonzo can certainly pull off an argyle sweater vest like no other).

A Gonzo is truly one of a kind. Date a Gonzo because they see beauty where others do not, whether it’s in his art or the various animals he’s pursued over the years. What’s more, a Gonzo is romantic. They’ll buy you bundles of balloons, fight turkeys for your love, choose to not sleep in a hammock because they’d rather sleep up in the uncomfortable rafters just to be near you, and even write you songs (just ignore the fact if the song may end with them suddenly becoming attracted to giant yellow birds). A Gonzo loves to impress the one they’re with and woo them to their hearts content. When you date a Gonzo you’re sure to be swept off of your feet time and time again. You will never have more fun in life than when you date a Gonzo. A Gonzo will continually surprise you with their spontaneity. They’ll probably try to get you to try new things, some of which will make you question their sanity, but do not resist. Just go with it. A Gonzo knows what they are doing. Well, okay, this may not always be true, and you may want to reel them in when they start their talk of cannons and flaming hoops. Also, a Gonzo is unintentionally hilarious. They may or may not know this about themselves. Feel free to clue them in every chance you get. They’d appreciate it greatly.

A Gonzo is not perfect; far from it. A Gonzo may have wandering eyes at times and may be a little flirtier with others than you like. Do not be afraid to put your foot down on this (or, for all you Camilla’s of the world, your claw down). Though their eyes may wander, you will always be the chicken of their heart. Honestly, I’ve always thought that Camilla and Gonzo have a much sturdier relationship than Piggy and Kermit. With the exception of their occasional flirting, those two have consistently stayed together throughout the years. It has been stated in interviews that they’re still an item after all this time and quite happy too, whereas Kermit always alludes to the fact that he’s content to get some time away from his fair lady. Don’t get me wrong, I love the pig and the frog romance, but for me it’s never held a candle to the romance of a chicken and her whatever.

And, possibly the best thing about dating a Gonzo, when it comes to what other people think about them:

A Gonzo could care less.

When it comes to Gonzos, they do not let other people define what they already know. Nothing can stop their colossal need for artistic expression, even if no one else understands it. They will bang a hammer against a rock and yell “ART!” and – guess what? – believe it is art. That’s just how it works for them.

Some may see the whole “Oh, if you don’t understand my work than you obviously don’t understand art” as a pretentious quality, but honestly, coming from Gonzo you don’t get that sense of snobbery. Not even when season one Gonzo calls the crowd “yokels”. He’s artistic and he doesn’t care if people understand his art. He finds art everywhere: in eating tires, wrestling bricks, balancing a piano on a hammock, making tomatoes grow, and playing the bagpipes atop a flag pole. What more can I say? Gonzos just love what they do. In The Muppets, Gonzo is insanely miserable. He may not seem this way at first, but in comparison to the spazzier Gonzo we get in every other Muppet production, it’s evident that Gonzo is broken. He barely hesitates in exploding his million dollar company (if you’ve read the junior novel, you’ll know that all of his money was inside the building when it went BOOM). This just goes to show you one thing: for a Gonzo, it’s not about the money. It never is. It’s about doing what you love. Date a Gonzo, because they do what makes them happy, even if it means less income. That’s all right because, in the long run, they know they’ll be happier.

But be careful, for a Gonzo can be insecure at times. They may not show it with their boisterousness and their willing nature to do just about anything deemed entertaining, but underneath it all there’s a level of uncertainty. They’re a tad unsure of their place in the world (or, more likely, in the universe), but are often grounded by the reminder of the friends who love them. Gonzos are also known to have a sensitive side as well. Although normally happy-go-lucky, we do get to see some of Gonzo’s softer side throughout his years with the Muppets. From his renditions of “My Way” and “The Wishing Song” on The Muppet Show to “I’m Going to Go Back There Someday” in The Muppet Movie, it’s become evident that Gonzo is the true heart of the Muppets gang.

But maybe I’m just a bit biased. Maybe you’re different than me and you don’t need a Gonzo. Maybe you need something else, and, quite frankly, that’s okay.

You’d be lucky to get yourself a man like Kermit; one who has a heart in the right place and who always does the right thing, and is oh so very humble. A guy who, if offered a chance at millions of dollars and fame, would have so much hesitation, but at a chance to make millions of people happy? Why, he’d jump (or hop) at the occasion. Or get yourself a girl like Fozzie. A girl who holds friendship on the same level as comedy, and who is sensitive, loyal, and is always hopeful. One who has such profound faith in herself when it comes to her passions and dreams, and would do anything for friendship. And Walter. Oh man, I could write a novel about why any person would be lucky enough to date a Walter. Walters are passionate people, so much so that it just about embodies everything that they do and makes them passionate about anything they love in their day-to-day lives. Walters love to help others, and are wonderful advice givers. Date a Walter especially if you yourself are a Walter, because no one will understand you better. Or get yourself a Miss Piggy. Someone who is strong, relentless, who does not take any crap and knows how to stand up for themselves, but who is, in every way, a total romantic at heart and will not hesitate to melt at the first sign of a loving inclination.

And the list goes on. Date a Sam: someone who has morals and is not afraid to speak up for what it is they believe in. Date a Rowlf: someone who appreciates the importance of music, and is laid back and ready to accept anything that comes their way. Date a Rizzo: someone who’s creative and crafty, and has an abundance of love when it comes to food. Date a Scooter: someone who is intelligent and responsible. Date a Wembley: someone who cares so much about those around them that it shows in everything that they do. Heck, maybe even date a Pepe. Sure, the King Prawn is a lady’s man through and through, but I have a sneaking suspicion that if he ever actually got himself a lady he would treat her right.

Frankly, you’d be lucky to date a person who’s similar to just about any Muppet… well, maybe with the exception of Crazy Harry (for the love of Bunsen, if you are in a relationship with a Crazy Harry, flee for your life, and maybe stage an intervention on your way out).

While I may be spending Valentine’s Day alone this year, I have only the highest hopes that, one day, I’ll find my Gonzo and get to share the 14th of February with him in the not so distant future. Maybe if I’m lucky he’ll recite some romantic poetry while defusing a bomb. A girl can dream!

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by Julia Gaskill

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