Hour One Hour Two Hour Three Hour Four
I know what you’re saying at this point. How many times can he say that nothing happens on this show? Well, it all depends on how long the show can go on with nothing happening. And how long can that keep up?
Let’s find out. Hour Two.
Previously on Jack and the Beanstalk: Jack is pretty, Vanessa is old. Ondine is a little French supermodel with big eyes who keeps telling Jack that his family committed crimes. Jack finds Vanessa and she finally starts telling him what’s going on.
Basically, the deal is as follows. Remember the story of Jack and the Beanstalk? Well, it really happened.
And if they’d told us that an hour and a half ago, we wouldn’t have had to go through all of this. Oh wait! They DID tell us that an hour and a half ago! Seriously, Vanessa tells Jack the fairy tale pretty much exactly as you remember it. Jack and his mom don’t have any money, they’re poor, there’s a cow, he sells the cow for beans. Mom throws the beans, and Jack goes to sleep. The beanstalk. The climbing. The castle. The giant. It’s all there.
“I know the story,” says Jack — the pretty Matthew Modine Jack, not the other one. “It’s a fairy tale.” Vanessa gets impatient: “It’s NOT a fairy tale. It really HAPPENED.” Okay! Fine! I think we got that part! We’ve been hearing all about it for hours now! It was in the commercial and everything!
I’m sorry. Am I being too harsh on Vanessa? I like Vanessa. I think she’s swell, if a bit overwrought about everything. But at least I’m not falling asleep, unlike the Giant. The Giant is, well, a big ugly giant. He isn’t much to look at, and he isn’t much with the dialogue, either. He says “Baaaa” before he bites the head off a sheep. Then he barks at the golden harp and the goose: “PLAY! LAY! PLAY! LAY!” They play, they lay. He falls asleep. I have never been so envious of a big ugly giant before. At least he gets some rest in the middle of all this.
Back to the pretty Jack: “I really am trying to accept all this, but…”
Vanessa leans forward. “Yes?”
“… But you’re asking me to accept a FAIRY TALE!”
YES, Jack! YES! Have you not been paying attention? YES! It’s a fairy tale! It’s a fairy tale and it REALLY HAPPENED!
I mean, for goodness sake. PLAY! LAY! Do SOMETHING! Just stop TALKING it to death!
Phew. Okay. Then Jack goes back to his house and looks at the giant skeleton again. He says to the skeleton, “Who are you? Where did you come from? How did you get here?” I have never come so close to beating Matthew Modine to death before. Then the waify supermodel girl appears. Turns out she’s from the Beanstalk kingdom! She has a magic electrical crystal thing that she uses to travel back up to the Beanstalk kingdom, and leaves Jack behind. Once again I am filled with envy.
So Jack takes the necklace that he got from Vanessa, and he breaks it open, and he finds a seed. He plants the seed and then — I swear to you this happens — and then he falls asleep. No fewer than three main characters have fallen asleep on screen in the last hour. I think they’re trying to tell us something.
Jack wakes up in time to see the big Beanstalk. He climbs it and gets to this big electric hole in the sky. He touches it. It’s electric. He touches it again. Still electric. He touches it again. Seasons pass. Civilizations rise and fall. And god damn it if it doesn’t say To Be Continued before he gets anywhere.
Hour One Hour Two Hour Three Hour Four
by Danny Horn
