ToughPigs Election: Illegal Aliens and Vermin

Published: November 1, 2012
Categories: Feature


With all due respect to my associate Mr. Strand and his arguments in favor of a Gonzo/Rizzo Presidency, voting for a weirdo and a rat would be the worst possible choice the voters could make.  Just what is that hook nose hiding?  In which filthy sewers has the rodent been skittering?  Will Gonzo’s acts of “ludicrous daring” send our country into ruin??

The biggest issue by far, which we most certainly cannot ignore, is that of Gonzo’s heritage.  The most popular theory, as proven by a visit by his brethren at Cape Doom, is that Gonzo is an illegal alien. Not only was he not born in the United States, he may not have even been born on this planet!  Even beyond his un-American blood, we can’t even be sure of his origins.  The earliest rumors claimed that Gonzo was some sort of cigar box monster from the North Pole, while others labeled him as the generic “Weirdo”, the even more generic “Whatever”, and the not-even-a-species “Artist”.  We’re not even interested in obtaining a copy of his birth certificate, we just want to know who we’re considering electing to our country’s highest office.

Gonzo’s running mate, Rizzo the Rat, is no prize candidate either.  Rizzo, to put it lightly, is a con artist.  He has been witnessed selling tickets for rat vacationers to a “cruise line”, which was actually a pirate ship on which he acted as a cabin boy.  He did not hesitate to sell out his fellow Muppets to the police (for the simple price of a few hot dogs) after a simple misunderstanding involving amusement park tickets.  He was partially responsible for the closing of Sardi’s by the Board of Health after a “whispering campaign” gone wrong.  He even conned his own running mate into purchasing and installing a jacuzzi for his own personal gain.  We can’t even trust Rizzo the Rat to keep from taking advantage of his friends, how can we trust him to sit in the Vice President’s chair?

Prior to his political career, Gonzo made his name known as an artist.  He wrestled a brick while blindfolded, he recited Shakespeare while hanging from a feather boa, he yodeled while riding on a pogo stick, and none of these glorified stunts ever resulted in success.  If Gonzo can’t even multitask enough to recite multiplication timetables while balancing a piano on his hand, how can we trust him to act as Commander in Chief while balancing the budget while leading our armies whilst (and at the same time) providing the public face for our country’s Executive Branch?

Gonzo is out of touch with the common man, as he now represents Big Business.  Having owned his own used plumbing business, which was valued at quite a sum, Gonzo so irresponsibly destroyed the entire business with the push of a button.  He held no regard for the hundreds of jobs he eliminated, for the building codes he violated, or for the fortune he squandered (which could have easily gone to preserving the arts).  Meanwhile, his running mate is a fat cat (okay, “fat rat”) who only cares about stuffing his own gullet.  Gonzo is a poor businessman, out of touch with the common man, or really just plain out of touch.

All signs point to Gonzo being the wrong man (or thing or weirdo or whatever) for the job.  He toots his own horn far too often.  He is prone to quitting jobs without notice.  He has attempted to cheat on the potential First Lady, Camilla, dozens of times with various chickens, bovine, and giant canaries.  He is heartless.  As he gets older, he most certainly gets lamer.  He personifies such evil personas as the Sheriff of Nottingham, Captain Hook, and Dearth Nadir.

There’s got to be something better than Gonzo and Rizzo for the Presidency. And that something is Grover.

Head back here tomorrow for Anthony Strand’s argument against the Grover/Cookie Monster ticket, however misguided it may be.  And immediately afterward, the polls will open and you can cast your vote for President in the ToughPigs Election!

Click here to avoid voting for someone who’s kinda like a turkey, but not much, on the ToughPigs forum!

by Joe Hennes –

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Written by Joe Hennes

Co-owner and Editor-in-Chief.
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