Kermit the Frog on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
February, 2000
This is a weird little interview that took place after EM.TV’s purchase of the Henson Company. For a while there, Brian Henson and EM chief Thomas Haffa were talking about producing a new Muppet TV series, but those plans got bogged down as EM got into financial trouble.
Apparently, Kermit got booked on The Daily Show when the plans were announced — but between the time he got booked and the time this interview took place, he found that he didn’t have a new show to talk about…
Jon
It’s an honor to welcome to this show… Kermit the Frog. Kermit?
Kermit
Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, Jon. Hi, everybody!
Jon
How are you, Kerm?
Kermit
I am so happy to be here. Aww, this is a thrill. Jon, I’m sorry — I nearly missed my box here.
Jon
Your — I’m sorry?
Kermit
I have to stand on a box.
Jon
Oh, that’s right.
Kermit
Well, they didn’t have a toadstool. Ha ha ha… I know, it’s not that funny, but… you know, I used to be funny, Jon.
Jon
That’s all right. Y’know what? If I licked you…
Kermit
Yes?
Jon
I think everything would be funny, wouldn’t it?
Kermit
If you licked me?
Jon
Yeah, isn’t that the whole thing — if you lick a frog, you get crazy thoughts?
Kermit
If you lick a frog, you’re crazy before you started. Of course, that wart thing, that’s an old wives’ tale.
Jon
Is it? Now, did you ever, when you had, let’s say, girlfriends — I know you’ve been out with Piggy for a long time — was there ever a fear of warts in that relationship?
Kermit
Well…
Jon
Or did you ever fear that you would get, let’s say, trichinosis, or anything along those lines?
Kermit
Yeah. Yeah. You have to be very careful about that, but I always, ah, wore protection. So, it was all right. In fact, I’m wearing protection now. [pause, no one laughs] Never mind. Ahem. Hah! Y’know, it’s great to be on late night, Jon. It’s a whole different thing for me.
Jon
I had no idea.
Kermit
Yeah — well, I didn’t either. But here we are.
Jon
This is sort of a Kermit Unleashed, which I don’t think I’ve seen before.
Kermit
Yeah, well, maybe we’ll just… just start over again, how about that? Why don’t you introduce me, and I’ll show up again.
Jon
Can I tell you something?
Kermit
You can.
Jon
The kids at home expect this kind of language from you now.
Kermit
You think so?
Jon
Well, they — y’know, ever since Bert and Ernie came out.
Kermit
Oh, well.
Jon
Y’know, it was the kind of thing…
Kermit
Yeah… I am in so much trouble, y’know?
Jon
You wanna come back out?
Kermit
I am in SO much trouble.
Jon
All right. Ready? Kermit THE FROG!
Kermit
Thank you! Thank you very much! Yaaay.
Jon
Tell me this, Kermit… We’re very excited to have you here…
Kermit
Thank you.
Jon
What are you plugging? Tell me what the project is.
Kermit
You know? For once in my life, I’m here, I’m not plugging a doggone thing, Jon.
Jon
You’re kidding me.
Kermit
I’m just here cause I like ya.
Jon
Seriously?
Kermit
Yeah, seriously. I’m not plugging anything.
Jon
Can I tell you something, especially this close to Valentine’s Day — my heart is filled with a little bit of joy right now.
Kermit
Really. I think I see it running down the front of your shirt.
Jon
I thought you were gonna behave.
Kermit
I am. I’m all right now.
Jon
How many years has the Muppet Show — or the new Muppet Show, I should say — been on the air?
Kermit
Well, actually, there is no new Muppet Show yet. But, uh, I guess I could plug it, since I don’t have anything else to plug.
Jon
Could I say this?… What is different about… Why am I looking at you?
Kermit
I don’t know. People often do. It’s okay. No, Jon, it’s all right. Many — many people have looked at me. It’s all right.
Jon
… You’re stronger than I thought you were.
Kermit
Yeah. I’ve been working out, y’know?
Jon
Clearly. Let me — let me ask you this.
Kermit
Yeah?
Jon
First of all… uh… I don’t want to say it, because this is probably the wrong thing to bring up, but… I’ve dissected things that look just like you.
Kermit
Well, you’re right, that was the wrong thing to bring up, Jon… actually… um…
Jon
So I know your whole muscular structure, and the whole…
Kermit
Um… Ahem. Okay. Should I come out again? No, no, go ahead. No. I’m fine. I’m fine.
Jon
Let me ask you this.
Kermit
Ask me, Jon. Ask me.
Jon
The new Muppet Show. When’s that start?
Kermit
Well, we haven’t even started shooting the darn thing yet. But when we do, folks, it’s gonna be terrific, and it’s going to have all the old Muppets, and lots of new Muppets…
Jon
Who’s in it? Give me some of the old guys that are coming back.
Kermit
Well, let’s see, there’ll be Statler and Waldorf — the two old guys who sit up in the box and make fun of Fozzie Bear.
Jon
Those guys are great!
Kermit
That’s right.
Jon
Now, they — and I don’t mean to be rude about this, but they were clearly in their eighties twenty years ago…
Kermit
Yeah, well…
Jon
Now… at this point, do they have much juice left?
Kermit
Not a lot.
Jon
Are you going to cut to them, and they’re just gonna go… arrrrghhh…
Kermit
That’s about it, yes. In fact, they’ve never left that box. They’re actually attached to the chairs, so they don’t go anyplace.
Jon
Who are some of the other guys?
Kermit
Well, I’ll be there, of course. And my nephew — remember my nephew, Robin? Little Robin the Frog? He’ll be there. And hopefully Fozzie will be there. We’re trying to get Miss Piggy.
Jon
Now, you and Piggy, you have a — what’s the conflict there? Do you think you’ll be able to get her?
Kermit
Well, I don’t know. She’s just sort of started pursuing her own things. She’s in Hong Kong right now, buying some clothing… But she’s actually there trying to sell a new film. It’s called Crouching Swine, Hidden Frog. And I’m sort of hoping she doesn’t sell it, cause I’ll be there with her. Ahem. But, anyway.
Jon
Are you upset that you haven’t gotten the Oscar nod? Is this a difficult time for you, when Hollywood is going out and presenting all of these awards shows. Is that tough on you?
Kermit
It is a little hard sometimes. I’ve been in show business a long time, y’know?
Jon
You seem the color of envy because of it. I don’t know if that’s…
Kermit
Yeah. And us frogs have been overlooked a lot, you know? We’ve had a bias against us ever since The Ten Commandments. You know, we were one of the original plagues in that film. They cut us right out.
Jon
And I thought locusts really took off after that.
Kermit
Yeah. I don’t know.
Jon
Well, listen, I think things couldn’t be going better for you… Obviously, the new Muppet Show, getting back with your old friends again. It must be terrific. It’s like the Stones.
Kermit
And I’m here with you. That’s pretty darn good. I like being on The Daily Show.
Jon
Is it — are you lying to me?
Kermit
No, I’m serious.
Jon
You know, I can usually look into someone’s eyes, and tell if they’re lying to me. With you, it’s really — you’re hard to read.
Kermit
Yeah, we frogs, we never blink, Jon. You know, I think that’s it. We just have direct eye contact.
Jon
The ones I’ve known have actually never talked, either.
Kermit
Odd thing.
Jon
I’m learning a lot.
Kermit
Kind of a strange thing, that.
Jon
What do you eat?
Kermit
What do I eat?
Jon
Well…
Kermit
First you talk about my eyes, then you want to know what I eat?
Jon
I’m just curious, cause I have a frog at home, and I’m just curious what he likes, and what he doesn’t…
Kermit
What do you mean, you have a frog at home? What does THAT mean?
Jon
Nothing!
Kermit
What, do you keep him in a JAR?
Jon
No!
Kermit
What’s the deal? “You have a frog”?
Jon
He’s got a —
Kermit
He has a…what is that, like, “I have a woman”? What are we talking about, here?
Jon
Y’know what? I can’t believe the frog’s running circles around me. This is terrible. You’re really pretty good at this.
Kermit
Y’know what, Jon? I can’t believe it either. No, no, I know what you’re saying. We eat flies, and mosquitos, and fried chicken and potatos. You know. Whatever. It’s not funny, but it’s true.
Jon
Somehow I think there’s a song about this somewhere.
Kermit
I think there is too. But I ain’t gonna sing it.
Jon
Uh… the new Muppet Show’s comin’ on TV when?
Kermit
No clue. But sometime hopefully within the next year.
Jon
All right. Well, I appreciate you coming by, and you certainly did a — a — wonderful…
Kermit
Yeah?
Jon
[chuckling] Keep an eye out for the new Muppet Show!
Kermit
Please do!
Jon
Kermit the Frog, ladies and gentlemen!
Coming up next in the Anthology: Part Two: Pig Can’t Cook!
We go live with Regis and Kathie Lee, when you’ll hear Miss Piggy say: “I couldn’t care less about this recipe!”
