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Miss Piggy on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee
April 18, 1996

kitchenmisspiggyMiss Piggy, always infamous as a talk-show guest, became an absolute terror in 1996. Between plugging Muppets Tonight, Muppet Treasure Island and her cookbook, In the Kitchen with Miss Piggy, she was all over the talk-show circuit that year, spreading chaos and dissension everywhere she went.

Probably her strangest and most vicious appearance in 1996 was plugging the cookbook on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee. It got ugly right from the start, as naturally it would, with Kathie Lee referring to Piggy as an “animal act.” And then they made their next mistake…

Regis
Miss Piggy is continuing our Celebrity Cooking Week… Miss Piggy, are you over there in the kitchen, darling? I can’t see you.

Piggy
[ hidden under the counter ] Yes, I am…

Regis
Well, why don’t you stick your head up, Miss Piggy?

Piggy
[ coming up ] My heel broke!

Regis
Oh, there you are! Yes. Here’s Miss Piggy’s celebrity cooking book right there.

Kathie
And don’t you love what it says, Reege? “By Moi”… I’m a little upset with Miss Piggy, okay?

Regis
Why? Why?

Kathie
I mean, I don’t want to pick a feud or anything with Miss Piggy. I happen to think she’s a fabulously talented sow. BUT. This is all her celebrity friends cooking… I don’t see that she even made a request of you or me.

Regis
No… I see Larry King there — I see Larry King everywhere these days! Candy Bergen, y’know… all of your good friends, right, Miss Piggy? But not us!

Piggy
Are you hurt?

Kathie
Well, I try not to be…

Regis
I mean, we’ll get over it, of course.

Kathie
You sort of expect those kinds of, you know, snubs by your enemies, but, y’know, when it happens from a friend… Yeah, it hurts a little. Yeah. Frankly.

Piggy
I’m so sorry, dear. Moi did ask vous. Moi did!

Kathie
Moi did not. Vous did not!

Then Regis and Kathie proceeded to draw an unflattering comparison between Piggy and their previous celebrity cook, Dolly Parton…

Kathie
Did Gelman have just as much trouble getting Miss Piggy’s apron on this morning as he did Dolly’s? Did he help you, Miss Piggy?

Piggy
Are you through insulting me?

Kathie
No, not at all. I happen to like you, very, very much.

Piggy
No, no, wait. There was nothing personal. I think we went through your people.

Regis
Oh, you went through her people, yes. My people, you talk right to me.

Piggy
No, I know… I… I did not know… I…

Regis
That’s okay, Miss Piggy. You’re forgiven.

Kathie
It’s really okay. Honestly.

Regis
It’s okay. She’ll get over it!

Piggy
You know what, dears? WHO CARES!

Regis
Miss Piggy, getting upset.

She certainly was… and it got worse when the cooking segment actually started…

Regis
Celebrity Cooking Week continues… and here she is, Miss Piggy, everybody! Our chef for today!

Piggy
Thank you! Thank you, thank you.

Regis
A wonderful collection of recipes.

Piggy
Thank you. From all of moi’s dear, dear friends.

Regis
Yes.

Piggy
MAJOR stars!

Regis
Ha ha… Don’t rub it in!

Piggy
Moi’s DEAREST friends!

Regis
I know.

Piggy
My CLOSEST friends.

Regis
Ha ha…

Piggy
VERY GOOD FRIENDS!

Regis
All RIGHT! Okay, Miss Piggy…

Piggy
VERY… CLOSE! Oh, may I say one thing?

Regis
Yes…

Piggy
A portion of the proceeds of this book will go to the wonderful people at Citymeals on Wheels.

Regis
That’s a very worthy organization.

Piggy
They deliver food to the homebound elderly. It’s wonderful.

Regis
You’re absolutely right. They do a good job, too.

Piggy
Yes, and they love to read all the wonderful recipes of my VERY close friends.

Regis
Yes. And which close friend’s recipe are we doing right now?

Piggy
Um… Candice Bergen!

Regis
Candice Bergen. She gave you this recipe.

Piggy
Yes. Candice Bergen, one of many stars. There’s Clint Eastwood… Candice Bergen… Paul Newman… very, very close friends.

Regis
Do you ever cook?

Piggy
REAL… CLOSE!

Regis
All RIGHT!

Piggy
Sorry.

Regis
Do you ever cook, Miss Piggy?

Piggy
No.

Regis
No. Well, now I’m gonna grill some vegetables first, right?

Piggy
I don’t know. What are you doing?

Regis
I’m cutting off all the —

Piggy
Could I ask you a quick question?

Regis
Yeah, sure.

Piggy
What is that big white rectangular thing over there?

Regis
Where?

Piggy
Right there.

Regis
That’s a refrigerator.

Piggy
Oh, THAT’s what it looks like!

Regis
Gotta LOT of problems here. All right, so we put this up here…

Piggy
Can I ask you another question?

Regis
Oy. Yes?

Piggy
Does Gelman have a first name?

Regis
That IS his first name.

Piggy
Gelman?

Regis
Can I ask you a question?

Piggy
Sure. Shoot.

Regis
Are you married to Kermit the Frog?

Piggy
Yes.

Regis
Really!

Piggy
Yes, we’re very happy.

Regis
How long have you been married?

Piggy
YEARS!

Regis
I thought you were just boyfriend and girlfriend.

Piggy
It was really none of your business, was it?

Regis
All right. So you cut some, uh, some vegetables, and you grill them. Okay? Now, what do I do here?

Piggy
I have no idea.

Regis
Okay! All right. I’m mixing now. Okay. First we’re gonna use two tablespoons of —

Piggy
No one told me we were gonna cook.

Regis
Yeah, oh yeah, we’re cooking Candice’s recipe. Two tablespoons of lemon juice…

Piggy
Yeah…

Regis
Here’s one tablespoon of lemon zest…

Piggy
Y’know what?

Regis
What?

Piggy
I couldn’t care less about this recipe.

Regis
Y’know what?

Piggy
What?

Regis
That makes two of us.

Piggy
I figure if Candice cared, she’d be here right now.

Regis
That’s right! If she gave a darn, she’d be right here making her own recipe.

Piggy
Well, let’s be creative. Let’s do our own recipe.

Regis
All right, but anyway, we got all this stuff out, Miss Piggy, but here’s a quarter-cup of olive oil or vegetable oil…

Piggy
You’re obsessed with this thing, aren’t you?

Regis
Yeah, I’m really thrilled to be doing this.

Piggy
Just relax. Relax. Take it easy.

Regis
Here’s one tablespoon of Dijon mustard…

Piggy
You just keep going like a train, don’t you?

Regis
Do you have any frog legs in this cookbook? [Audience: “Oooooh….”]

Piggy
Oooo-ooooh!

Regis
Here’s a half a tablespoon of dill weed. You know, we’ve never used dill weed on this show? Ahem. One, uh, tablespoon…

Piggy
Is this as boring to you as it is to me?

Regis
Tablespoon of salt, tablespoon of pepper…

Piggy
Boy, look at you go.

Regis
A pinch of sugar. Okay. Now I…

Piggy
Can’t you just stop for a second and talk to your guest?

Regis
All right. Okay.

Piggy
Just stop. Just stop. [to Audience:] Wouldn’t you like that? [Audience claps.] Fine. Fine. All right. YO, YO, YO! Okay. Now. Fine. Could we talk about her wardrobe?

Regis
HER wardrobe?

Piggy
Katharine’s.

Regis
She’s a little upset with you now.

Piggy
I’m just trying to help her out. She needs a new wardrobe. Don’t you, dear?

Kathie
I do. Do you have your own line of clothing, Miss Piggy?

Piggy
I have a whole wardrobe at home, it’s made for moi personally. I have a whole new spring outfit collection.

Regis
It looks very becoming.

Piggy
Mmm-hmm. Thank you. Yes.

Regis
Now, what are we going to do about Kathie Lee?

Piggy
Who cares?

Kathie
Um, Miss Piggy, I understand that Bryant Gumbel has a nice recipe in your book that includes… BACON!

Regis
Bryant Gumbel uses… BACON!

Piggy
Okay, fine. I tell you what. I’m just gonna stand back here, and let both of you do all the pig jokes. Okay? Go ahead! Get em out!

Regis
Are you related to Babe, incidentally?

Piggy
You’re still cooking, aren’t you?

Regis
All right. I’ve got this all done…

Piggy
Katherine, I have to tell you… Katherine? I did ask for you to be in the cookbook. Yes, I did. I spoke to Frank.

Kathie
Oh, and what did Frank say?

Piggy
Well, first of all, we both talked about that wonderful night in Green Bay, years ago…

Regis
Oh, that Frank!

Kathie
I thought all those pigs were behind him.

Piggy
Talk about illegal use of the hands… and then after that, I, moi, asked him if vous — well, actually, we didn’t actually… I started asking him if you could be in the cookbook, and then we just… started talking about personal things, and I forgot.

Kathie
Oh. But your heart was in the right place.

Piggy
Not particularly.

Kathie
But your body… Your body was not in the right place.

Piggy
My body is always in the right place, baby.

Regis
All right. Here’s what we do. We get the —

Piggy
Are you still COOKING?

Regis
YES! We gotta add the pasta, some tomato, and a little —

Kathie
You have to COOK the pasta. Cook the pasta, Reege.

Regis
And we have done that, and it’s right here. And now I add this right here, Miss Piggy. Right on top of the —

Piggy
You think I care?

Kathie
It does smell delicious, though. The fumes are…

Piggy
Look, I asked all these celebrities. I have no idea how to cook.

Regis
Yeah, I — uh, I get that feeling.

Piggy
The most important thing in the kitchen is the telephone. Call your friends. What are these words down here? “Toss well… serve warm or at room temperature.” I have no idea what that is.

Regis
Miss Piggy, you’re giving me a headache. Be quiet, will ya? I’m trying to get through this. Now. We have grilled…

Kathie
Reege, you should probably ask what Kermit’s favorite meal is.

Piggy
No, I’m hurt now. I’m hurt.

Regis
Yeah, what’s Kermit’s favorite meal?

Kathie
When you have a special evening with Kermit, Piggy.

Regis
Yeah. You light the candles, and what do you serve him?

Piggy
I’m hurt.

Kathie
Pardon?

Piggy
I’m hurt.

Kathie
Why?

Piggy
He yelled at me.

Kathie
Reege…

Regis
I’ll yell at you again in a minute, Miss Piggy. Okay, now I’ve carved up all these… now what do I do?

Piggy
[sniff] Doesn’t matter…

Regis
Awww, boy.

Kathie
Are you hormonal?

Regis
I’m used to women crying.

Kathie
Or just Hormel?

Regis
Don’t rub it in! Okay.

Kathie
Oh, I feel bad for the pig. I’m sorry.

Regis
Now I add…

Piggy
[to Kathie:] No, don’t touch me!

Regis
Then you add all the vegetables to the pasta, and then you whisk ’em some more, right, Gelman?

Gelman
Right! And then you taste it.

Regis
And then you taste it. And that looks like a good dish. All right, Miss Piggy…

Piggy
I’m not talking to you, Regis. I’m not talking.

Kathie
Oh… That would be nice.

[ Regis and Kathie Lee taste the pasta, and act like it tastes awful. ]

Kathie
Ohhh, that’s great! Really, that’s great.

Regis
Wonderful! What a recipe! Here it is — Miss Piggy’s cookbook, In the Kitchen with Miss Piggy

Piggy
Go away!

Regis
Smokin’ Joe Frazier, coming up next!

[Announcer:] If you’d like to try Miss Piggy’s recipe anyway, send a self-addressed stamped envelope and two dollars to Live Newsletter

So there you go. Incredible, yeah? I love it. It’s like a little psychodrama. Piggy exposes this amazing brutality and insensitivity at the heart of Regis and Kathie Lee. They have an actual guest standing in front of them who they’ve insulted and harassed for ten minutes, and she’s practically crying, and they just go on with the recipe.

Stay tuned for more fun! Next in the Anthology: Another psychodrama erupts in Part Three: Ladies First when Al Roker asks Kermit and Miss Piggy about marriage, plastic surgery and Antonio Banderas!

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