Ladies and gentlemen, frogs and pigs, welcome once again to the Tough Pigs April Fools tradition:
The Ugly Toys Pageant!
Ugly Muppet toys hurt us, as naturally they would, and this is our annual chance to hurt back. That way, we can get it all out of our systems, so we’re ready to go back to our normal lives of shopping for Muppet toys. We need this once a year to blow off steam — like Mardi Gras, or a witch trial.
We assembled a mighty team of contestants this year — most of them critters just made in the last year or two. Tonight, we are proud and only slightly nauseated to present the startling results.
Here to present the rules for the evening is our glamorous presenter, the Mexican Piggy Doll. She might be a knockoff and she might not, but either way, she’s all Pig — and if she can hoist herself up off the couch for two seconds, she’ll explain tonight’s rules:
Over the last two weeks, the Ugly Toy contestants were appraised and rated by you, the Ugly Toy-consuming community. People rated each toy on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being not that ugly and 5 being extreeeeemely ugly. On the next couple pages, we’ll count down the “winners,” starting with the Not That Ugly toys, and working up to the toys that have been voted by You, The People, as the ugliest toys of the year. Color commentary from the voters is provided for your entertainment.
Thank you, Mexican Piggy Doll! You can, um, you can go now.
Seriously. Thank you. You can run along now.
Not Really That Ugly
Grover PVC
(Comics Spain, late 90’s)
Score: 1.6
“It must be Macarena Grover. Or is it part of a line of suggestively posed Muppets? I shudder to think what the Snuffleupagus would look like.”
— Ryan Roe
“He’s not ugly, he’s just having a little too much fun.”
— Carolyn Wiesner
Waldorf bust
(Sideshow Toys, 2003)
sent in by Shawn Pero
Score: 1.8
“Poor Waldorf must not be very photogeriatric.”
— Mike Cervantes
Chicken Dance Elmo
(Fisher Price, 2003)
Score: 2.3
“The little boy tweaking his nipples freaks me out.”
— Quinn Rollins
“How can you hate this guy? Clearly, he’s the life of the party.”
— Ian Pugh
Miss Piggy action figure
(Palisades Toys, 2002)
Score: 2.5
“Not really ugly. It just looks like she’s zoned out on Ritalin.”
— Ian Pugh
“On the whole, I wouldn’t recommend the Meg Ryan haircuts.”
— Michal Richardson
“Can’t you still get this figure at Toys R Us for 99.9% off? And STILL no one will buy her.”
— David Beukema
Semi-Finalists: Kind of Ugly
Zhaan bobble head
(Rittenhouse Archives, 2003)
sent in by Julia Noomen
Score: 2.8
“As wrong as it looks, all bobble heads look like this.”
— Ryan DiGiorgi
“Now let’s all bobble our heads and pray.”
— Mike Cervantes
“I don’t watch Farscape, so I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt. The ugliness doubt, that is.”
— Ryan Roe
Gonzo doll
(Sababa Toys, 2003)
Score: 3.0
“Why does every Gonzo doll look like he’s just been electrocuted? (Then again, it’s Gonzo. Maybe he has.)”
— Tom Holste
“The Sababa boys try so hard. Let’s not discourage them.”
— Michal Richardson
“At least he looks useful for wiping up spills.”
— Justin Werfel
The other Fozzie Tuxedo toy
(Nanco, 2003)
sent in by Kevin Williams
Score: 3.1
“It’s Fozzie’s fat bloated cousin: Fatzzie!”
— Chris Stulz
“Poor guy looks like a tribble in a trenchcoat.”
— Mike Cervantes
“Either that’s a raisin in his navel, or yecch.”
— Ryan Roe
“Poor Fozzie. What has he done to piss off so many toy makers?”
— Emmy Miklasevich
Statler and Waldorf plush
(Sababa Toys, 2003)
Score: 3.2
“From the unreleased special: Statler and Waldorf: Gettin’ Jiggy With It ’03.”
— Tom Holste
“Tonight they’re gonna party like they’re only 99.”
— Ryan Roe
“H to the eckle!”
— Michal Richardson
Elmo butterfly type thing
(Fisher Price, 2002)
sent in by Jess Healey
Score: 3.3
“This must be from the Elmo’s World episode about sick freakin’ weirdos. You know, sick freakin’ weirdos!”
— Mike Cervantes
“You’ve got your Elmo in my Twiddlebug! Yeah, well, you’ve got your Twiddlebug in my Elmo!”
— Brianne Brown
Finalists: Mostly Ugly
Bert plush
(Nanco, 2003)
Score: 3.4
“Bert’s just realized that the calls are coming from inside the house!”
— Ryan DiGiorgi
“Now THAT’s an Evil Bert.”
— R.D.
Grover plush
(Nanco, 2003)
Score: 3.5
“Maybe it’s his blue period.”
— Mike Cervantes
“This is like attending Grampa Grover’s funeral. So sad.”
— Julian Kleibeler
“Awwww, I want it! I will adopt it and call it Nummy Muffin Coocle Butter.”
— David Beukema
Miss Piggy witch
(Nanco, 2003)
sent in by Nate Downs
Score: 3.6
“She’s just begging to have a house dropped on her.”
— Ryan Roe
“Enough with the yarn hair!”
— R.D.
“I saw Goodwife Piggy walking with the devil! I understand the people of Salem so much better now.”
— Michal Richardson
Miss Piggy finger puppet
(Starbucks, 2003)
Score: 3.7
“Piggy does not respond well to the finger.”
— Mike Cervantes
“More depressing than anything.”
— Ian Pugh
“Ugly, like every other Piggy plush.”
— Marian Bayusik
“Oh snaps, someone at the beauty salon messed up while Piggy was getting her weave did! You fired, girl!”
— David Beukema
Fozzie mini plush
(Nanco, 2003)
sent in by Zack Haumesser
Score: 3.8
“Fozzie, fired out of Gonzo’s cannon, strikes your monitor.”
— Justin Werfel
“He may have been cute before getting kicked.”
— Quinn Rollins
“Ugly, like every other Fozzie plush.”
— Marian Bayusik
So who takes home the crown this year? Click here for the winners!
by Danny Horn
