My Week with Everything – Tuesday

My glamorous e-mail life
Tuesday, April 2

In my dream, I’m in a piano bar. I’m having drinks with Charlie Rivkin, the president of the Jim Henson Company. It’s 1992, and I’m a little down; it’s been a rough couple of years. Charlie cheers me up by telling me about the Muppets’ new movie. It’s going to be really funny, with Gonzo and Rizzo, and Paul Williams songs. I ask if Miss Piggy’s going to be in it. A little bit, he says. It sounds cool. I have another drink. Then a spotlight snaps on over the piano. Someone steps out of the shadows and sits down at the piano. It’s Michael Caine. I can’t believe it. Charlie puts a dollar in his tip jar. Michael Caine starts to sing. The love we found. The love we found. The sweetest dream that we have ever known. I look around, but Charlie’s gone. I can’t find him. I try to call out, to tell Michael Caine to please stop singing. The love we found. The love we found. We carry with us so we’re never quite alone. I open my mouth, but no sound comes out.

I wake up in a bad mood. Another nightmare. But I don’t have time to think about dreams. I have a website to run.

To start with, I’ve been asleep for seven hours, so I probably have to update the news page again. There’s been so much news recently. Every time I turn around, there’s a new Sesame Street spin off, or Palisades announces another action figure playset. So far they’ve announced like twenty-three playsets, and they haven’t shipped anything yet. I remember back when I used to collect toys. Now I just collect press releases.

I check Yahoo News to see what I missed overnight. I’m in luck, it’s just more details on the Nascar promotion, so I get the day to myself. Phew. I remember a Saturday a couple months ago when I slept in until eleven. Turns out that was the day Sideshow announced the new Muppet busts. It took me two weeks to catch up.

But today’s a slow news day, so I can either work on the Muppet Show reviews or answer my e-mail. All my first-season Muppet Show tapes are piled up on my coffee table, just glowering at me. It’s horrible. Sandy Duncan’s lurking in there somewhere. I can’t believe I told everybody that I was going to watch all the Muppet Shows in order. What was I thinking? There’s a hundred and twenty episodes. I’ve watched ten so far. This is awful. I’ll answer the e-mail.

So. Here’s what’s in my inbox. A saga in three parts.

Danny’s glamorous e-mail life. Part one.

Here’s a real life, no joke, actual e-mail that I just got. The subject heading is: i need you. For real. Here’s the entire thing.

From: [ address removed ]

To: Danny@toughpigs.com

Subject: i need you

hello!

I am french and i love miss piggy !

can you send me a funny photo?

it would be very nice!

thanks

david

You know, I’ve been waiting my whole life for mysterious Frenchmen to send me letters that say “I need you.” And now that it’s happened, it just feels kind of empty.

Danny’s glamorous e-mail life. Part two.

From: [ address removed ]

To: Danny@toughpigs.com

Subject: Muppet

Sir: I am looking for the music cd called Elmos funny lowdown Hoedown. By the muppets I Believe also, the BMG Kids? Not sure. I just heard the song Elmos funny lowdown hoedown and would like to purchase this. Can you give me any info? Thankyou

Now, as it happens, there is a CD that features Elmo’s Lowdown Hoedown. The CD, oddly enough, is called “Elmo’s Lowdown Hoedown,” and it’s available at any record store. Just look next to the World Music section. You could also buy it at Amazon, if you search for, oh, let’s say, Elmo’s Lowdown Hoedown. I send a reply to this effect. A little while later, I get a response.

From: [ ditto ]

To: Danny@toughpigs.com

Subject: Re: Muppets

Sirs: Maybe something is wrong with my computer. I searched in popular Music for elmo low down hoe down and could find only Elmos favorite songs and wild west etc. I am frustrated. I should have been able to find this on the first try. Can you send me a link? Thankyou

Oh, for goodness sakes. I could be at this all day. And I still haven’t replied to all the e-mails about Pepe dolls.

Hey… Did someone say Pepe dolls?

Danny’s glamorous e-mail life. Part three.

From: [ address removed ]

To: Danny@toughpigs.com

Subject: pepe’s biggest fan

my name is megan and i have been searching for a stuffed pepe or a picture or poster of pepe for three months now. tonight i happened to stumble across your web page. please let me know if you can help me find what i’m looking for. thank you so much.

~ megan ~

You know what I love most about this message? “I happened to stumble across your web page.” Like she’s just been typing random words into Internet Explorer since Christmas, and she finally found her way to me. Rest, little bird, weary traveler. You’ve found your way home.

And you know which web page she stumbled across? The Pepe FAQ. It’s a page I made about four months ago, where I talk about how there isn’t a Pepe doll yet. The people who answer customer-service e-mail for Long John Silvers said they might make a Pepe doll at some point. First they said they’d make one in March, and then about two weeks later, they said, well, maybe not so much March. And then they didn’t say anything else about it. That’s all the information I have, and that’s what’s up on the site.

From: [ address removed ]

To: Danny@toughpigs.com

Subject: pepe

Hey

any word on the pepe toy (doll)

thanks

-mike

Apparently the Pepe fans think I’m holding out on them. I don’t know, guys. When I find out, I promise I’ll let you know.

Here’s another.

From: [ address removed ]

To: Danny@toughpigs.com

Subject: Pepe

where can i buy a Pepe toy? Please help as i have searched forever. He will get to ride in US Army Blackhawk Hellicopter as a Crewman if I can find him

Jonathan

And that is the glamorous e-mail life of Danny.

My goldfish Dorothy says that today she wants to learn about e-mail. She’s heard that e-mail helps you communicate with other people, and she wants to get e-mail from her fish friends. I tell her that e-mail is a myth, like Santa Claus and unicorns. She says okay and swims around her bowl. I feel bad about lying to a goldfish like that. But I think she’s happier this way.

by Danny Horn