I have it right here, on tape. It’s one of those introductions that Brian Henson recorded for the Muppet Show episodes. This one is for the Vincent Price episode; it’s on one of the Time-Life tapes.
Brian is sitting on a stool, and he talks directly to the camera. He says, “Hi, I’m Brian Henson,” and then he takes a deep breath and he sort of moves his hands around a little bit. “The Muppet fans are sometimes… really crazy people. It’s amazing. Every crazy little walk-on character, they know the name.” He’s talking really soft, like this is a sensitive subject. “So, if you want a few facts that’ll… impress your friends… tell ’em about these characters.” You can hear him hesitate there, in the middle of that sentence, as if he’s not sure whether Muppet fans actually have friends.
And, I don’t know. I just feel like I have to take that personally. I printed a fanzine called MuppetZine for five years, and I know Brian’s seen it. In fact, I went to a panel on Jim Henson at the Smithsonian a few years ago, and I actually met Brian and gave him a copy of MuppetZine. So I know that when Brian recorded these introductions, when he talked about Muppet fans — somewhere in the back of his head, he’s thinking about MuppetZine. And when Brian says that Muppet fans are “really crazy people”… I mean, on some level, he’s actually talking about me, personally. And I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I mean, maybe Brian’s right. Maybe I am a really crazy person.
So, this week, instead of reviewing a Muppet TV show, I’m going to spend a week reviewing my life as a Muppet fan, to see if I can figure out this whole crazy person thing once and for all.
Another country
Monday, April 1
My morning starts just like any ordinary person. I wake up. I take a shower. I make sure that the candles haven’t gone out on my Miss Piggy shrine.
No, I’m just kidding. I’m kidding, Brian. I put electric lights on my Miss Piggy shrine years ago.
Anyway, I get dressed and I get ready for work, just like anybody else. I wear a Muppet watch, but apart from that, I look just like any other person. The watch is really cool, actually; I got it at Walt Disney World a few years ago. It’s got a little picture of Kermit with a thought bubble, and instead of a second hand, it’s got little pictures of Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo and Animal that circle through Kermit’s thought bubble. I like it, because it’s like Kermit is thinking about the Muppets every minute, just like I do. But that doesn’t make me a crazy person. Does it?
On my way out the door, I give a little fish food to my goldfish, Dorothy. Today, Dorothy says that she wants to learn more about exercise. But I’m in kind of a hurry, so I drop a tennis ball into her bowl, and I tell her I’ll get back to her.
Then I go to the office. I work as an educator for a non-profit agency. I’m not really going to talk much about work here, cause Brian didn’t say anything about how people who work for non-profits are crazy people. I mean, maybe he did, but I don’t have it on tape.
Anyway, on my way home from work, I stop in at Tower Records. I don’t have the new Bear in the Big Blue House CD yet, or the Elmo’s World Springtime Fun video. It’s April now, and I can’t have spring without the Springtime Fun video. That would be ridiculous.
The problem is that I can never figure out where the children’s sections are in these stores. In the video department, it’s just Matrix, Matrix, Britney Spears, Matrix. I go to the information booth and ask the clerk where the children’s videos are. She says, you mean Disney? Well, not since 1996, I don’t, I say. She gives me a weird look, and then she waves me over to this tiny little section that has like ten videos, and most of them are The Land Before Time. So, no Springtime Fun for me, I guess.
I go back to the information booth and ask where the children’s music is. She sends me up to the second floor. Children’s music is way in the back, past the World Music section. The second floor basically goes like this: Australia, Brazil, Cuba, Ireland, Scotland, South Africa, Children’s Music. Children are another country.
Luckily, they have a little Sesame Street slot, which has Elmopalooza, Muppets From Space and the new Bear in the Big Blue House CD. I get a little irritated that Muppets From Space is stuck in the Sesame section, but then I figure that maybe this is one of those “really crazy person” deals, so I just take the Muppets From Space CD and stick it right at the front of the rack, so everyone will see it. Then maybe it’ll sell better, and they’ll stock more Muppet CD’s, and it’ll snowball into a huge demand for Muppet products. I don’t know if anybody else ever does that. I’ve been doing it in every store I’ve been in since I was eight years old. It’s like my own personal marketing campaign. As far as I can tell, the big Muppet rush hasn’t happened yet, but I figure it doesn’t hurt.
I take my Bear CD down to the cashier. She’s in a chatty mood. She asks do I want it gift wrapped. I say no. She takes my credit card. She asks is it for a boy or a girl. I say it’s for a boy. She hands me the credit card receipt. She asks how old is the boy. I say, look, I’m thirty-one, okay? I like Bear. Now gimme the damn CD.
I get another weird look. Maybe Brian has a point.
I take my new CD home, and I listen to it while I update the news on my Muppet website. There’s a new Sesame Street spin-off show that started today, and I watch that as I eat dinner. I brush my teeth after dinner, and I notice that my toothbrush is wearing out. I should probably buy a new one. World Trend just put out some cool new Kermit toothbrushes. Maybe they have them at the drug store.
No, no. That way lies madness.
by Danny Horn
