Max Jessop – Hey-ho, hi-ho, and ho-hum, my friends! And welcome to another (late) edition of How To… Like we’ve said in previous How To’s, we care about your personal health and security… you know, until we get to the disclaimer. Either way, we want to help you, the reader, with dangers of real life. So today, we aim to help you with the serious issue of identity theft. It can happen to anyone, even easily distinguishable frogs. Here’s how to spot one.
1. Before one truly begins differentiating, make sure there is true suspicion regarding the identity of your friend or family member. You never know, your twin brother could just look different because he doesn’t have his hat on.
2. Next, seek out speech patterns. If your friend doesn’t seem to be talking normally or has, out of the blue, developed a thick Russian accent, the odds of it not being him or her are in your favor.
3. Try to find physical differences. Moles and other facial marks are good signs that can help you tell the difference. But, mind you, a mole can be easily covered up. So, watch out for any bumps or warts that seemingly match your friend’s skin tone.
4. Distinguish clothing differences. Assuming your friend only wears a collar, make sure to see if it is the same one as your friend. Even the smallest differences, like difference in number of points and length, can all play a role in discovering a doppleganger.
5. Keep track of his social interactions. Other suspicious characters that may come into the picture can be pinpointed as possible accomplices in his identity theft and other possible crimes he might be committing under your friend’s name.
6. Look at your surroundings. In other words, try and put two and two together and keep a sharp eye out for recently escaped convicts in the area as well as those who have been previously convicted of identity theft.
7. Throughout this all, keep track of his all-around behavior. He may be acting differently and out of character, trusting people he hasn’t before and giving authority to those he hasn’t given it to before as well.
8. Finally, after you’ve tracked the differences, be sure to contact a local authority and convict him. Just don’t do anything rash that might be cause for revenge and a possible sequel.
DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset cannot, will not, have not, what not, and shan’t not be held responsible for any physical, mental, emotional, mythical, prestidigitatorial consequences resulting from thoroughly inspecting or, as they call it in the lawyer world, “stalking” an escaped and an identity thief. We do not advise physically examining an identity thief, especially in attempting to discover the authenticity of his or hers beauty mark. That would be just like asking for physical, mental, emotional, mythical, or prestidigitatorial consequences right there. If, however, you manage to even find any sort of evidence supporting possible identity theft, contact an authority [or Russian gulag played by Tina Fey] immediately before there is anything that we could be held liable for. Which reminds me, DON’T SUE US. Like under any circumstance! No, sir-ee! Our lawyer is my new Disney Store plush of Rowlf the Dog, for Pete’s Luncheonette’s sake! I really don’t know why we chose him, but he’s just so gosh darn huggable there’s no way I can’t say no to him. Anyway, just don’t sue us! We don’t want that kind of conflict!
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com
