And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for: The moment when we award Muppet toys for being visually unappealing! To kick things off, here’s our special guest, Dog Toy of Bert As a Hot Dog (submitted by Rosie), to reiterate the rules of the pageant.
“UGH. I only have a minute before this Corgi tears me apart, so here goes: Over the past few weeks, the Ugly Toy contestants were rated, evaluated, and in some cases hated by the Tough Pigs community at large. People rated each toy on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being ‘not that ugly’ and 5 being ‘extreeeeemely ugly.’ And now we’ll count down the ‘winners,’ starting with the Not Really That Ugly toys, and working up to the toys that have been voted by our readers as the ugliest toys of the year. Color commentary from the voters is provided for your entertainment. BYE! Say, what is this blue condiment, anyway?”
Thanks, Dog Toy of Bert As a Hot Dog! I couldn’t have said it better myself. And now, on with the results!
NOT REALLY THAT UGLY
Kermit by Cuddleez (2023), submitted by Erica
SCORE: 1.4
“WHO TURNED KERMIT INTO A RUG”
-Anonymous
“He’s not ugly, he’s just planking.”
-Staci Rosen
“Here is Kermit auditioning for Hungry Hungry Hippos.”
-Primarily Colourful
“Is Kermit trying to get something under a couch?”
-Rocko Rotten
“he look like he got ran over but it felt good on his back”
-skoosta
“Your main course at Doc Hopper’s. You monster.”
-Lara F
“oh he sleepy!”
-Tutter
King Big Bird by Tyco (1996), submitted by Rosie
SCORE: 1.84
“Your majesty!”
-Brandon Kirkendall
“He wore his underwear on the outside.”
-Anonymous
“Hey Phil!”
“Yeah, Chuck?”
“What do I do with all these leftover pieces of the Teletubbies, Mickey Mouse, Rudolph, and Jack Skellington?”
“My friend… we are gonna become MILLIONAIRES.”
-Tony Whitaker
“He’d be in the lead if this was a worst dressed list, but as a toy, it’s perfectly inoffensive.”
-Katie
“Did I miss Big Bird joining Cirque du Soleil?”
-Wilson S
“If these are the emperor’s new clothes, I’d prefer if he went naked.”
-Cartoonasaurus Rex
“King of the 80s Aerobics Videos!”
-Shane Keating
Baby Piggy by St. Michael (1987), submitted by Shane K and Maddox
SCORE: 2.41
“Haunted, but cute. I’d buy it.”
-Anonymous
“Too cute to be really ugly, too ugly to be really cute.”
-SlipsSC
“It’s a different take. I kind of respect it.”
-Danny Horn
“Like a sentient bathmat.”
-Michael M
“Not an ugly toy. A perfect baby angel.”
-Eli Lee
“Oh my god. Oh my god. What a beautiful thing. Her luscious fur. I need her. “
-Remy
“Baby Piggy really shouldn’t have run through Nanny’s hot glue and Muppaphone patch.”
-Dani
“Frankly, this looks more like Ms. Koala “
-Anonymous
There were also several comments describing this as “adorable,” “fluffy,” and “moldy.”
Kermit Supreme by Ty, submitted by Alex H
SCORE: 2.45
“Let’s forget the eyes for a moment. Kermit not wearing pants isn’t a problem until he’s wearing a shirt. Now it’s just weird.”
-Anonymous
“Like a chameleon, Kermit can rotate his eyes independently, enabling him to stalk his prey (variety show acts) more effectively.”
-Grant Harding
“Licensing fee for Supreme: $10,000. Salary for design and eye placement: $4.79.”
-Mark Rowan
“He looks like an idiot i like him”
-Anonymous
“How Kermit welcomed Diana Ross to The Muppet Show.”
-Abigail M
“Is the Supreme for Supreme Court? Because he looks like he’s about to make some bad decisions.”
-Mark Hansen
“Supremely ugly, amiright?????!!?!?!?!!?!?”
-Shane Keating
“This Kermit toy is supremely ugly. I’m sure no one else used that joke.”
-Kyle Frisch
There were also several comments about Kermit’s “drip” and “swag.”
Bear & Tutter by Nanco, submitted by Shane K
SCORE: 2.6
“BEEEAAAAR STOP EATING ME”
-Sophie
“100% show-accurate Tutter”
-Midboss
“That’s Alf. Alf eating a terrified blue mouse.”
-Dana M
“Very Saturn Devouring his Son and I want it.”
-Barbi
“A mouse is not an accordion, sir.”
-Grant Harding
“I assume everyone else is going to say something like “What has Bear been doing to Tutter?””
-Danny Horn
“Bear, what are you doing to Tutter?”
-Rosie S
Kermit by ReadyMade (2021), submitted by Shane K
SCORE: 2.66
“He looks like Jerry Seinfeld. ‘What’s the deal with all these songs about rainbows?’”
-Mark Rowan
“Looks like Kermit in old age makeup.”
-Christian
“’Ehh, whaddaya gonna do.’”
-Grant Harding
“Kermit’s ET costume didn’t work out quite as he’d hoped.”
-Annika
“who put kermit in the oven”
-lelegofrog
“Imagine if you will a world where Jim Henson first made Kermit out of his mother’s discarded Lay-Z-boy recliner.”
-Wilson S
“It’s not easy being the color guacamole turns when you leave it out for 10 minutes.”
-Abigail M
The Count, submitted by Rosie
SCORE: 2.67
“When your design notes just say ‘make sure he has a big nose.’”
-Diane B
“He’s kind of handsome, in a Eugene Levy way.”
-Dan Alexander
“He’s actually pretty chill looking. I’d play golf with him.”
-Mat L
“This Count looks like a comic strip character from the 90’s. Take that, President Bill Clinton!”
-Matthew Soberman
“I can count how many of these I would buy. Zero!!!”
-Zach
Scooter, submitted by Becca
SCORE: 2.7
“This isn’t Scooter. This is his attic-dwelling secret brother Segway.”
-Michael M
“There’s Scooter, Skeeter and the third, clumsy and foolish triplet Scatter.”
-Caleb Giles
“This Scooter listens to exactly two kinds of music: Ben Folds, and ska.”
-Kira
“Existential horrors? Fifteen seconds to curtain, existential horrors!”
-Mark Rowan
“’Hey boss, I see what ya did there! And over there. And what Gonzo just did with that cannon thirty miles away….'”
-Dani
“Kinda cruel of them to make a doll of what I looked like pre-transition”
-Becca Petunia
Wembley by Toy Factory (2017), submitted by Eric P
SCORE: 2.79
“Glad he escaped from the Skeksis before they drained all his essence.”
-Scott Joy
“If you give a Fraggle a cup of coffee.”
-matt
“This is the Steve Whitmire’s hair variant.”
-Isha
“why is he a lion”
-Max
“Sooooooooo ugly. I mean, where are the two little buttons on his shirt?!”
-Tony Whitaker
“I would give my firstborn child (yeah that one, it’s fine) to have hair that luxurious.”
-Quinn
“If you squint your eyes hard enough, you don’t have to see this anymore.”
-Wilson S
There were also MANY comments about Wembley having a bad hair day and getting electrocuted.
KIND OF UGLY
Oscar by Knickerbocker (1980s), submitted by Rosie
SCORE: 2.93
“no offense, but oscar was a REALLY ugly baby.”
-FlabbandBabbs
“My dog when I serve him his favorite food:”
-Rocko Rotten
“If Oscar had a nose, he could touch it with his tongue.”
-Jon Neuberger
“Oscar without his trash can is uncanny.”
-Leia Gelwasser
Zoe, submitted by Becca
SCORE: 3.04
“This one is fine, if you’re okay with staring screaming things.”
-Danny Horn
“Jeepers Creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
-Scott Joy
“Whatever you do, make sure Zoe’s eyes aren’t a choking hazard”
-Mark Hansen
“Things haven’t been the same since Elmo and Zoe swapped eyes.”
-Anonymous
“She can see sounds.”
-Barbi
“like one of those toys you squeeze til its eyes pop”
-Kate
“This is Zoe after finally realizing Rocco is nothing more than an inanimate rock.”
-Patrick Diaz
“Y’know, since submitting her, I gotta say: I’ve grown accustomed to her face.”
-Becca Petunia
“How I feel after lookin at all these dang toys!! Am I right, fellas?”
-Eli Lee
Big Bird by Croner Toys, submitted by Maddox
SCORE: 3.08
“This one is fine, apart from the bloodstain around his mouth.”
-Danny Horn
“As a former Biology teacher, I can confirm that birds don’t have fur.”
-Anonymous
“Hey Big Bird, is that your beak or are you eating a meatball sub?”
-Quentin Tracy
“He looks like a scraggly orphan who doesn’t know that he’s about to set off on the adventure of a lifetime.”
-Sprocket
“this is what real baby birds look like.”
-Anonymous
“Those arms are giving no hugs.”
-Gweneth
“Big Bird’s yarn mustache is too often overlooked by most toy manufacturers.”
-Wilson S
“SCRUNKLY”
-Mary
“On the plus side, he looks good for scrubbing pots.”
-Shane Keating
Rizzo McDonald’s toy (2003), submitted by Luke
SCORE: 3.08
“They took all the water out of him.”
-Armadillo Winters
“When all you know about a rat character is that it probably likes cheese”
-Diane B
“I will never be able to unsee this. I don’t know why him not having pants is bothering me so much, like he normally doesn’t have pants but somehow now he’s extra pantsless”
-Rachel Deering
“The McDonald’s people only saw the ‘When Love is Gone’ scene in The Muppet Christmas Carol once and thought, ‘Yeah, Rizzo? His thing is that he cries.””
-SlipsSC
“On second thought, maybe we should light the rat.”
-Katie
“Who could forget Rizzo’s iconic bright yellow cheese shirt, or his memorable tusk-like whiskers? Truly, the fine folks at McDonald’s captured everything we know and love about Rizzo with this bad boy.”
-Grace
Animal figure by Super7, submitted by James C
SCORE: 3.1
“BEET DRUMS! BEET DRUMS!”
-Zee
“See, I could like this if he wasn’t so shiny.”
-Anonymous
“Maybe if they didn’t waste money on Jell-O statues, the band could afford a second season.”
-Anonymous
“Grimace’s punk phase”
-Greg Method
“It’s a 4 foot prune.”
-The British Correspondent
“No more Kool Aid for Animal.”
-Jon Neuberger
“Spirit Halloween’s prepackaged adult costume for ‘Classic TV Monster Drummer.’ I’m surprised we’re not seeing more cleavage, to be honest.”
-Wilson S
“Did I get hit with a memory virus that made me think Animal was red? Nice points for the separate chain tho.”
-Leia Gelwasser
“Don’t get what Super7 was going for with their neon Electric Mayhem figures. Animal looks like he has radiation poisoning.”
-Cole
“The result of Animal and Sweetums doing the Galley-Oh-Hoop-Hoop.”
-Matthew B
“A true classic. This is a masterclass in taking an ugly toy and making it inexpressibly uglier.”
-Danny Horn
“Urple “
-Evie
SEMI-FINALISTS: GETTIN’ PRETTY UGLY NOW
Oscar by Nanco (2003), submitted by Eric P
SCORE: 3.12
“He’s an adorable Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle in a trash can!”
-Staci Rosen
“This looks like Oscar stubbed his toe or stepped on a Lego.”
-Bridget
“Why does his brow go all the way around like a cartoon burglar mask? And what is he so shocked by?”
-Sprocket
“He looks like he eats people and I can’t fault him for it.”
-Mary
“How did all of the kids on Sesame Street get pinkeye? HOW, OSCAR??”
-Quinn
“Oscar if he lived in a garbage disposal instead of a trash can.”
-Eli Lee
“On the bright side, at least Oscar would appreciate this Oscar plush.”
-Matthew Soberman
“Oscar the Grouch? More like Oscar the Gafraid”
-Remy
“He looks like a wittle bawby”
-Élodie
“I didn’t vote for this one, as it was already contributed in the 2004 competition! This guy’s disqualified!”
-Tony Whitaker
NOTE: Tony is right! This Oscar has been in the pageant before. Oops! Keep an eye out for Oscar’s return in the 2044 Ugly Muppet Toy Pageant.
Baby Gonzo by Just Play (2018), submitted by Luke, Kat, and Nikki
SCORE: 3.12
“oh no”
-MKG
“I heard the conservatives were mad about Baby Gonzo and I have to assume this is why.”
-Becca Petunia
“They crossed Baby Gonzo with Jack Nicholson.”
-Scott Joy
“This belongs in the Evil Toy Pageant.”
-Danny Horn
“Muppet Babies: they attatched our eyes with cheap glue!”
-Dani
“Hammerhead Gonzo can be found hunting in coral reefs.”
-Dan Alexander
“This baby has learned malice.”
-Midboss
“He looks like he’s about to violate the Geneva Conventions, and do it in the most Dennis-the-Menace-way possible.”
-Cartoonasaurus Rex
“Looks like he just got hit with an oversized mallet.”
-Andrew Reitman
“Oh come on, this it to be expected. It’s baby GONZO. Probably tried to swing on the nursery fan and dive into the kiddie pool but forgot to open the window again. The swelling will go down in a few days and his eye will be fine. Probably. If he can be kept still long enough. “
-Annika
“This looks like a racist caricature about a group of people that doesn’t exist.”
-Eli Lee
Fozzie by Whitehouse Leisure (2013), submitted by Eric P
SCORE: 3.34
“Fozzie would never try to use a leaf blower to dry off after a shower ever again!”
-matt
“He’s wearing Bradley Cooper’s prosthetic schnoz from Maestro.”
-Staci Rosen
“Humble is the life of a chimney sweep, aye?”
-Mat L
“With that hat, he reminds me of Lou Costello.”
“Hrmph, more like BOO Costello!”
“D’oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!”
-Tony Whitaker
“Hey mister! You wanna buy a rubber chicken? (Trench coat and rubber chicken sold separately)”
-Anonymous
“If Rodney Dangerfield cosplayed as Fozzie.”
-Andrew
“Oh now we have the Fozzie Old Timey mobster variant! “
-Isha
“Behold: the W.C. Fields plush nobody wanted!”
-Dani
“This guy comes to the bedside of unsuspecting children on Walpurgisnacht. He speaks with Peter Lorre’s voice and only the pure of heart can resist his invitation to ‘the Carnival.’”
-Alex M
“Yikes. Looks like someone’s been hit by too many tomatoes.”
-Anonymous
“The disturbing answer for what would happen if you added Fozzie to Waldorf then divided by two.”
-Wilson S
“Fozzie, embarrassed by his face, tries to distract you with a game of Look Over There.”
-Mark Hansen
“Fozzie suffers the consequences of eating an entire beehive without chewing.”
-FlabbandBabbs
4-foot Gonzo by Igel (1999), submitted by Erica
SCORE: 3.56
“Gonzo, wearing one of those suits you put a cat in after surgery.”
-Abigail M
“Disappointed Dad Gonzo about to sit you down for a talk.”
-Mat L
“Gonzo as Larry David in a therapy session.”
-Staci Rosen
“Gonzo about to drop the sickest mixtape.”
-Marco Antonio Estorino
“Gonzo gains another foot every time he eats someone.”
-Max
“That’s just my uncle.”
-The British Correspondent
“for all i know there’s a person in there”
-MKG
“Hide this in a closet for a GREAT prank on your friends.”
-Anonymous
Bert by Nanco (2004), submitted by Rosie
SCORE: 3.65
“SpongeBert PigeonPants”
-Scott Joy
“why is his nose”
-lelegofrog
“Bert, one step into animorphing into Ernie.”
-Becca Petunia
“Not the ugliest, but maybe the funniest.”
-Isaac
“Legendary Greatest Trailblazing Queen”
-Chase
“He looks like a giant toe or thumb.”
-Zach
“Looks like Ernie put Bert’s nose on the wrong spot again…”
-Patrick Diaz
“When trepanning goes wrong.”
-Kira
There were also a bunch of comments suggesting that this is not Bert, but rather Bort.
Bean Bunny figure by Hasbro, submitted by Mat L
SCORE: 3.76
“Behold! An ugly Fozzie toy wearing a Bean Bunny costume!”
-Kyle Frisch
“Closer to Paul Williams than Bean Bunny, but not too bad.”
-Sam P
“Why does it look like Bean is wearing a mask of his own face? “
-Mark Hansen
“It looks like that child that you want to call ugly but can’t.“
-Kitty
“You’re telling me that’s NOT a figure from the Rankin/Bass Hobbit movie?”
-Shane Keating
“It’s like He-Man took over Bean’s body and is trying way too hard to act cool.”
-Gweneth
“Tale of the Bunny Sicknic”
-Zach
“It looks like he’s wearing the face of a CPR dummy.”
-Cam Garrity
“This comment from my partner sums it up best — ‘Why is he a blond Viking child?'”
-Geoff S
“I’m gonna bunny hop away from this one.”
-letsgochromedome
Fozzie by Toy Factory (2007), submitted by Eric P and Rosie
SCORE 4.0
“I’ve never understood why it’s so hard for toy companies to make plush dolls based on a bear. A bear! That’s, like, Doll 101, right?”
-Greg Method
“BREAKING: Fozzie Bear found submerged in giant bowl of oatmeal”
-Primarily Colourful
“I always thought Fozzie was a washout, but now he’s in his dish rag era.”
-Katie
“Fozzie’s grandfather”
-Em
“I wish my hair had that much body–excluding the top tufts!”
-Chase
“So this is what Scorsese’s fursona looks like.”
-Anonymous
“What a fetching scarf! He reminds me of Judy Dench somehow.”
-Michael M
Pepe by Nanco (2001), submitted by Luke
SCORE: 4.06
“Okay, yes, this is incredibly ugly. But it’s ugly in a way that feels befitting of Pepe. It almost seems deliberate, like some plot where Pepe decides to model for toys to boost his image, but he accidentally sneezes when his picture is taken, so the toy ends up coming out all misshapen. And he’d totally try to play it off like he did it this way on purpose.”
-Sprocket
“’I bumped into the windshields, okay?’”
-Nic Kramer
“’Things are looking up AND looking down, okay?’”
-Jesse Brisson
“With tan lines like those, I’d be that upset too.”
-Sam P
“This is actually scary to me. He reminds me of a haunted house prop.”
-max
“Pepé in pepaín.”
-Calypso the Poison Frog
Mokey, submitted by Michelle M
SCORE: 4.11
“Mokey woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The UNDER side.”
-Matthew B
“Why does all pre-Back To The Rock Mokey stuff look like they’ve literally been smashed with a rock and left under it for 30 years?”
-Dani
“If anyone complains about Mokey’s new design, take this thing and shake it in front of their face and say, ‘THAT’s why!’ They just might thank you for it.”
-Tony Whitaker
“Junior Gorg finally clobbered Mokey.”
-Dan Alexander
“That seductive wink won her an extra point from me.”
-Wilson S
“Finally, a plush of Obi-Wan Kenobi at the pub.”
-Anonymous
“He looks like he would steal my lunch money.”
-Kitty
SECOND RUNNER-UP
Animal, submitted by Eric P
SCORE: 4.12
“This looks a bit like one of those dolls they have in a dentist’s office with giant teeth that they use to show kids how to brush properly.”
-Tyler
“Roosevelt Franklin obviously stole a piece of gum from Wonka’s factory.”
-Wilson S
“Be careful: the Insta-Grow Pills don’t kick in all at once.”
-Mark Rowan
“Ugly but I kinda wana care for him”
-Evie
“thats a human man”
-max
“Teeth that would certainly make a xylophone sound if hit with a mallet in an old Mickey Mouse cartoon.”
-Abigail M
“Hold the pic 3 feet away, turn upside down, and squint your eyes. It still looks nothing like Animal!!”
-Chris
“If Ernie and Animal had a baby.”
-Staci Rosen
“It’s like Animal and Ernie had a baby.”
-Em
“An unholy combination of Animal and Ernie.”
-Danny Horn
“This is admittedly a pretty good rendition of what it would look like if you shaved Animal and then fed him an igloo.”
-Becca Petunia
FIRST RUNNER-UP
Statler by Lansay (2006), submitted by Eric P
SCORE: 4.13
“Statler is ninety years old and can wear lipstick if he damn well wants to.”
-Grant Harding
“He’s so old, even his eyes went grey.”
-Anonymous
“’Presenting Statler.’ This, folks, is called ‘lying.'”
-Primarily Colourful
“Get him away from me and every child in a 5 foot radius.”
-Michael M
“I don’t like how every single one of his features is opened as wide as possible.”
-FlabbandBabbs
“He’s got nipples for eyes.”
-Leia Gelwasser
“Can you imagine how much scarier Scrooge’s door knocker would have been if it had turned into this?”
-Kyle Frisch
“His eyes are terrifying but his lipstick is fabulous.”
-Elizabeth
“Getting some real Judge Doom vibes with this one. YIKES.”
-Cole
“Tonight the part of Statler will be played by Carol Channing. Raspberries!”
-Mark Hansen
“Statler heckles, and the abyss heckles back.”
-Grace
“It’s the Sat-On-A-Tack Statler doll!
-Matthew B
“He has seen eternity, and now he knows all. He knows the meaning of life. He knows how Fozzie will die. He finally, truly, knows why he always comes here.”
-Becca Petunia
THE WINNER
Baby Fozzie by Euro Play, submitted by Eric P
SCORE: 4.71
“Oh this one is the winner, by far.”
-Megan
“Bearly resembles Fozzie. Get it? BEAR-ly?! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!”
-Brandon Kirkendall
“It’s everyone’s favorite animal comedian, Fozzie Naked Mole Rat!”
-matt
“If you gave me 100 guesses, i would NEVER figure out that was supposed to be Baby Fozzie. He’s been skinned!”
-Dana M
“He’s focusing on balancing that gumball on his face.“
-Primarily Colourful
“It looks like a half-deflated balloon.”
-Katie
“That dosen’t even look like a Muppet-related anything. He looks like a plastic shopping bag stitched to make a plush.”
-Vince Caldwell
“Fozzie Wozzie was a bear, Fozzie Wozzie had no hair.”
-Quentin Tracy
“This guy already looks like Tommy Pickles mixed with a raw chicken, but can we talk about how scary the Krermit on the tag looks?”
-Mat L
“Oh, so that’s why Piggy was so fluffy: she skinned Fozzy and is wearing him!”
-Leia Gelwasser
“I legitimately thought this was some obscure cat Muppet before I saw the tag.”
-Mary
“I’ve seen some kids that actually look like this.”
-Tony Whitaker
And there it is! Yet again, a version of Fozzie wins the highest lowest honor. Speaking of which, be sure to check out our previous pageants if you haven’t already, or if you want to take a trip down repressed memory lane.
Click here to congratulate(?) Baby Fozzie on the Tough Pigs Discord!
by Ryan Roe – Ryan@ToughPigs.com
