As we all know, the eternal secrets of your destiny can be revealed through your Muppet Horoscope – that mystical star sign determined by what the Muppets were doing on the date of your birth.
For example, my birthdate is January 6, 1971, so I was born under the sign of The Great Santa Claus Switch. This means that I’m cute, I’m sentimental, and I have a tendency to dress up in other people’s clothes and impersonate them at work. The prediction for my future is that just before I die, Ed Sullivan will appear and tell everyone goodbye for me.
Jan 2002: The crystal ball is closed for now… I’ve done so many horoscopes that the pipes are all clogged up. Enjoy these Horoscopes of the Past, and when I get the ouija board warmed up for more, I’ll let you know…
Jeremy S.
Birthdate: March 3, 1970
Sign: Mahna Mahna
Jeremy, you were born under the sign of Mahna Mahna, who appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1970.
Your personality: You constantly interrupt people, going on and on about things that nobody understands.
Your future: Turns out you’re not annoying — you’re just cooler than everyone else in the room. When everybody finally recognizes that, you’ll be famous, and remembered forever.
John H.
Birthdate: April 19, 1974
Sign: Grover and the Everything in the Whole Wide World Museum
John, you were born under the sign of Grover and the Everything in the Whole Wide World Museum. This just goes to show that Muppet Horoscopes are way better than any of those regular ol’ boring horoscopes. I mean, think about it: Capricorn the goat, Gemini the twins, or Grover and the Everything in the Whole Wide World Museum. Which sign would you rather have?
Your personality: You have an enormous collection that you organize and re-organize constantly.
Your future: You will eventually own everything in the whole wide world.
John Kilduff
Birthdate: Dec 22, 1982
Sign: Captain Vegetable
John, you were born under the sign of Captain Vegetable. I bet you didn’t realize that.
Your personality: You are a rabbit superhero. You eat lots of crunchy vegetables. You seduce young boys into doing your bidding by promising them health and strength.
Your future: Have I pushed this Horoscope joke too far yet? I’m counting on you to stop me if this is getting old.
Stephanie B.
Birthdate: Oct 16, 1979
Sign: Beverly Sills
Stephanie, I see great things in your future. You were born under the sign of the Beverly Sills episode of The Muppet Show, a very powerful sign. More powerful than Captain Vegetable, anyway.
Your personality: You have many hidden talents. Beverly Sills revealed that she could tap dance and hang spoons from her nose. Your hidden talents are even more impressive than that.
Your future: You will be surrounded by pigs.
Wendy Slater
Birthdate: Nov 9, 1972
Sign: The Count von Count
Wendy, you were born under the sign of the Count von Count, an old Transylvanian starsign.
Your personality: You’re not as scary as you seem to be at first. When you get passionate about something, it’s hard to stop you.
Your future: You will hang around for much longer than anyone would ever expect.
Lora Edwards
Birthdate: April 23, 1986
Sign: The Bunny Picnic
Lora, you were born under the sign of The Tale of the Bunny Picnic. This was a special about Bean Bunny, a cute little rabbit who feels like he’s insignificant because he’s too little to help his siblings prepare for the Bunny Picnic. He tries to warn everybody that a huge dog is prowling around ready to kill them all, but they ignore him.
Your personality: Nobody pays any attention to you, even though you’re warning them of mortal danger.
Your future: Well, you’ve got a choice. You could be courageous and face the mortal danger on your own. Or you could be spiteful and hide, and let it kill everyone else. It’s really up to you.
Dan P.
Birthdate: Jan 28, 1985
Sign: The Visible Snuffy
Dan, before you were born, only Big Bird could see Snuffleupagus. Then you were born, and Snuffy became visible to everyone on Sesame Street.
Your personality: You have the power to reveal great truths. Please use it wisely.
Your future: That dark and terrible secret that you’re keeping? You’ll tell everyone eventually. Don’t worry about it. Everybody’s going to understand.
Sara Rosoff
Birthdate: July 22, 1977
Sign: Animal puppet
Sara, when you were born, Fisher Price added an Animal puppet to its line of Muppet Show dolls.
Your personality: You have a big mouth with snaggly teeth, and you wear cut off denim shorts. You also have a little spring in your head that lets you blink your eyes.
Your future: You will be much sought-after, especially if you keep yourself in mint condition.
Dan Rice
Birthdate: Sept 4, 1973
Sign: The Third Gordon
Dan, when you were born, Roscoe Orman was taking over the role of Gordon on Sesame Street from Hal Miller, who replaced Matt Robinson.
Your personality: You have completely transformed yourself over the last four years. Your personality, your face, your body — everything is different. And yet you insist that nothing has changed. It’s terribly suspicious.
Your future: You’re actually an FBI agent in deep cover.
Michelle Plunkett
Birthdate: Feb 21, 1986
Sign: 30 Years of the Muppets
Michelle, you are exactly thirty years and one month younger than the Muppets. You were born exactly one month after the Muppets: A Celebration of 30 Years special aired on CBS.
Your personality: You’re nostalgic, and you have a lot of friends. You enjoy watching home movies of yourself.
Your future: At the end of your thirtieth birthday party, Jim Henson will make a surprise appearance.
Jes W.
Birthdate: Oct 22, 1970
Sign: The Amazing Mumford
A la peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! Jes, you were born under the amazing sign of the Amazing Mumford.
Your personality: You have incredible powers. Unfortunately, your plans often don’t have quite the results that you expected.
Your future: Hang on. In about two years, you’ll be the Count.
Eve Cunning
Birthdate: Sept 23, 1967
Sign: Cyclia
Eve, when you were born, Jim Henson was making a lot of popular commercials and guest appearances on variety shows — but he couldn’t sell any of his TV series ideas. Looking for a new avenue for his creativity, he came up with a proposal for Cyclia, a psychedelic nightclub where films would be projected on the walls. It was the late 60’s. Everyone was doing that kind of thing.
Your personality: I know that you’re frustrated with your career advancement at the moment, but your new idea simply won’t work. It’s impractical, and it’s not such a great idea anyway. You have a lot of potential. Don’t waste it.
Your future: Take some time off, and think about your plans. You’re almost there. It’ll probably help if you lay off the substances for a while.
Caroline Waldrop
Birthdate: Oct 11, 1980
Sign: Pops
Caroline, your sign is Pops the stage doorman, who started appearing in the opening of every Muppet Show episode around the time you were born.
Your personality: You are suspicious and near-sighted.
Your future: You will open a fleabag hotel in London.
Samantha Wallace
Birthdate: Oct 20, 1984
Sign: Muppet Babies
Samantha, you were born a month after the premiere of the Muppet Babies cartoon, so your astrological sign is Muppet Babies. I’m sorry to have to break it to you like that.
Your personality: Your voice sounds different. You’re kind of annoying. You’re much more popular than you deserve to be.
Your future: You will grow up to be a puppet.
Zack the Dog
Birthdate: June 3, 1983
Sign: Rocky Mountain Holiday
Zack, you were born just a month after the John Denver Rocky Mountain Holiday special aired. Luckily, you missed it.
Your personality: You enjoy nature and the great outdoors a LOT. In fact, you can’t shut up about it. For most of your life, you’ve been something of a homebody, but all of a sudden, you just can’t seem to get enough of the great outdoors.
Your future: It’ll wear off. Pretty soon, you’ll go back inside where you belong.
Charlie B.
Birthdate: Nov 20, 1976
Sign: Wayne and Wanda
Charlie, your life is ruled by the twin sign of Wayne and Wanda, who were making regular appearances on The Muppet Show when you were born.
Your personality: You are a beacon of morality and normalcy in a world full of freaks and weirdos. You also tend to be a bit accident-prone.
Your future: You will be crushed under a tree. I’m sorry to be so blunt about it. Nobody said astrology was pretty.
Carolyn Wiesner
Birthdate: Feb 14, 1982
Sign: Gonzo Dress-Up Doll
Carolyn, when you were born, Fisher Price Toys produced a Gonzo Dress-Up Doll, as a follow-up to their successful Kermit and Miss Piggy Dress-Up Dolls.
Your personality: Your older brother and sister are more popular than you are, and they have more clothes than you do.
Your future: You will be sold on Ebay, completely nude.
Amy Rush
Birthdate: April 4, 1976
Sign: The Swedish Chef
Amy, you were born under the sign of the Swedish Chef, who was being groomed for a major role in the first season of The Muppet Show at the time of your birth.
Your personality: Heendyer hoordje upsy-daisy vit der chick-chick. En sjho der hotsie-stoova goezja booma-booma.
Your future: Der loobsters shoolde schtai poot. Dey sjoot der cjhopper-cjhopper. Whot der hey.
Astrid Aune
Birthdate: July 24, 1974
Sign: Grover Sings the Blues
Astrid, when you were born, Grover released his LP, Grover Sings the Blues. These seemed like unrelated events at the time.
Your personality: You are blue. Oh so blue.
Your future: You’ll keep on being blue till we’re closer to you.
Bill Kastak
Birthdate: Oct 29, 1964
Sign: Timepiece
Bill, when you were born, Jim Henson was producing Timepiece, his experimental short film.
Your personality: You are confusing, whimsical, and very noisy. You enjoy taking creative risks. You are always running late.
Your future: You will paint an elephant pink, then wear a tuxedo and jump from a diving board. You will then become a gunslinger and shoot the Mona Lisa.
Anna Howie
Birthdate: February 12, 1974
Sign: Let a Frown Be Your Umbrella
Anna, you were born under the sign of Let a Frown Be Your Umbrella, Oscar the Grouch’s 1974 album.
Your personality: You’re determined to be miserable. You reject all offers of love and friendship. You surround yourself with worthless junk.
Your future: You will adopt a pet worm, who will travel into space. I know that doesn’t sound very likely, but it’s true.
Grant Harding
Birthdate: December 14, 1984
Sign: Bells of Fraggle Rock
Grant, you were born just days before HBO aired “The Bells of Fraggle Rock,” the Fraggle solstice special. In this episode, Gobo holds up the Fraggles’ annual bell-ringing ceremony until he can prove the existence of the legendary Great Bell.
Your personality: You’re skeptical of received wisdom. While others blindly follow tradition, you boldly strike out on your own, finding your own answers in your own way.
Your future: It’s just going to keep getting colder until you ring that damn bell. Stop wasting everybody’s time.
PipNPop
Birthdate: August 22, 1978
Sign: Emmy
Congratulations, PipNPop! You were born just a few weeks before The Muppet Show received an Emmy award for Outstanding Comedy-Variety or Music Series of 1977-1978. Of course, it’s an honor just to be nominated.
Your personality: You are an outstanding comedy-variety or music series.
Your future: You will look very nice on Jim Henson’s mantelpiece.
Gerard McCulloch
Birthdate: July 18, 1973
Sign: C is for Cookie
Gerard, you were born under the sign of the Sesame record, C is for Cookie. This fantastic record included the songs Up and Down, Circles, and the story of The Magic Cookie.
Your personality: You are funny and well-fed. You are very dependable; when the tracks are covered with snow, you get the train through.
Your future: If someone offers you three wishes, ask for the cookies first.
David Karle
Birthdate: March 27, 1983
Sign: The Finger of Light
David, you were lucky enough to be born while the first season of Fraggle Rock was airing. This is a very good omen. The day after you were born, HBO showed episode #12, “The Finger of Light.” Did you watch it? Try to think back. In this episode, Mokey is randomly chosen to be the Ruler of the Rock, and she’s given the power to issue three commands for the betterment of all. She mostly goofs it up.
Your personality: You are extremely bossy, and you think you know better than everyone else. You are drunk on what little power you have.
Your future: You will soon learn a valuable lesson about peace and togetherness. You will sing a lovely song.
Craig Silverstein
Birthdate: October 10, 1972
Sign: The Muppet Musicians of Bremen
Craig, your birth sign is aligned with the fairy tale special The Muppet Musicians of Bremen.
Your personality: You enjoy traveling. You have a wide circle of friends from all walks of life. You enjoy singing the same song over and over.
Your future: You will chase away your former master, then live in his house and eat his food.
David Beukema
Birthdate: January 28, 1982
Sign: Great Lovers of the Silver Screen
Oh my, David. You were born during the first month of Miss Piggy’s 1982 calendar, Great Lovers of the Silver Screen. The picture for January was Kermit and Piggy dancing as Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
Your personality: You are one of the great lovers of all time.
Your future: Next month you will be Flash Gordon.
Jamie Badminton
Birthdate: April 16, 1980
Sign: Muppet Stuff
Jamie, you were born under the sign of the Muppet Stuff Store, which opened on Lexington Avenue in New York in 1980.
Your personality: You have a comprehensive collection of Muppet merchandise. You are small and very friendly. You are open six days a week.
Your future: Is your last name really Badminton? I’m finding that difficult to believe.
Deanna Albertson
Birthdate: February 7, 1977
Sign: Vet’s Hospital
Deanna, you were born under the sign of Veterinarian’s Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who’s gone to the dogs.
Your personality: You give this hospital a bad name. Fred is a terrible name for a hospital.
Your future: Future? You’re lucky you have a present.
Bragi
Birthdate: July 16, 1978
Sign: Sesame Street Fever!
Get down, Bragi. You were born under the sign of Sesame Street Fever.
Your personality: You are a noisy, peculiar novelty. You sometimes embarrass yourself by letting the excitement of the moment overcome your better judgement. However, you’re an excellent dancer, and a lot of fun.
Your future: You will check into drug rehab.
Kristin Krause
Birthdate: April 14, 1969
Sign: The Cube
Kristin, your horoscope is very perplexing. You were born soon after the airing of Jim Henson’s experimental TV special, The Cube.
Your personality: You are mysterious, elliptical, unpredictable and repetitive. You are frequently interrupted by unwanted guests. You are either brilliantly inspired or insufferably pretentious.
Your future: Your home furnishings are very bland. You should redecorate.
Katie Kenall
Birthdate: September 24, 1974
Sign: Dr. Teeth
Katie, you were born under a very groovy star. Dr. Teeth was created in late 1974.
Your personality: You are extremely hip. You wear loud, flashy colors, and you make a lot of noise. You paint people’s cars while they’re sleeping.
Your future: You will have a successful career in dentistry.
Sander Jansen
Birthdate: March 3, 1976
Sign: Fozzie Bear
Sander, you were born while the Muppets were filming the first season of The Muppet Show. Fozzie Bear was created for the first season, and he was a dominant presence in the early episodes.
Your personality: You are extremely hairy, and a snappy dresser. You try very hard to amuse the people around you. You are sweet and very loveable.
Your future: Old people will yell at you for the rest of your life.
Martha H.
Birthdate: August 1, 1970
Sign: Hey, Cinderella
Martha, you were born once upon a time, just after the first Tales from Muppetland special aired.
Your personality: You are not as well-appreciated as you should be. You are very funny, but not very polished, so people tend to pass you over, ’cause you’re not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water, or stars in the sky. Your father smokes too much.
Your future: You will marry a gardener, and live happily ever after.
Scott Hanson
Birthdate: May 14, 1978
Sign: Hollywood!
Scott, you were born just a month and a half before the Muppets began filming The Muppet Movie.
Your personality: You are very ambitious, always striving to build on your successes and make something even bigger and better than before.
Your future: You are about to embark on your greatest triumph. Everything you decide to do in the near future will be exactly, perfectly, heartbreakingly right. Don’t forget the people who encouraged you along the way. Bring me back something nice.
Maureen Sheehan
Birthdate: February 3, 1976
Sign: Gorch
Maureen, I’m sorry to say that you were born under the sign of Gorch, the Muppets’ Saturday Night Live skits. You may wish to stop reading your horoscope right now, before your dreadful future is revealed.
Your personality: No one gets you. Your timing is off, and you’re lit badly. You don’t get along that well with your co-workers.
Your future: You will be fired soon, and forgotten. Your co-workers will be much better off without you. If anyone ever says a nice word about you ever again, they are just being kind.
Julia Noomen
Birthdate: September 14, 1976
Sign: The Muppet Show, House of Season 1
Julia, your birthday coincides with the beginning of the first season of The Muppet Show.
Your personality: You are not quite as funny as you should be. You have a lot of promise, but you rely too much on corny puns. You are starved for attention, and you sometimes invite people into your life who are not good enough for you.
Your future: Your best days are ahead of you.
Claire Bear
Birthdate: July 21, 1940
Sign: Leland, Mississippi
Claire, you have an exciting future ahead of you. When you were born, Jim Henson was three months away from his fourth birthday.
Your personality: You are very small. You can tie your shoes by yourself and dial the phone.
Your future: When you are in the fifth grade, your family will move to a suburb of Washington, D.C. You will develop an interest in art and television puppetry. You will get your first big break on a local NBC affiliate.
Luke Robbins
Birthdate: August 21, 1977
Sign: The Muppet Show, in the House of Season 2
Luke, your sign is heavily influenced by Season 2 of The Muppet Show, which began just after you were born.
Your personality: You are getting funnier and more popular every week. You are learning how to roller-skate. You are romantically interested in chickens.
Your future: You will soon shed a number of old friends who you don’t find amusing anymore. You will then be taken over by pigs.
Chris Smigliano
Birthdate: November 1, 1962
Sign: Answer Unclear – Try Again
Chris, you have a very interesting reading. I have no idea what the Muppets were doing in late 1962. Perhaps you could tell me what your personality is like, and we can work backwards from there.
Donna Bruschi
Birthdate: September 23, 1975
Sign: The Muppet Show: Sex and Violence
Donna, you were born six months after the Muppets’ second network pilot. In fact, it’s possible that your mother watched Sex and Violence while she was pregnant. If you ask her about this, you may get some fascinating insights into your pre-natal environment.
Your personality: You are extremely sexy and extremely violent.
Your future: You will explode.
Carl the Big Mean Bunny
Birthdate: September 8, 1978
Sign: The Muppet Show, in the House of Season 3
Carl, you were born under a very powerful sign. When you were born, the third season of The Muppet Show was just beginning.
Your personality: You are now more confident and secure than ever. You have recently developed an interest in throwing fish. You pay too much attention to country music.
Your future: You will soon hire a really stupid employee. He will infuriate you for a couple of years, then disappear from your life. Also, no matter what anyone tells you: don’t eat the edible paper clips.
Emily M.
Birthdate: November 27, 1982
Sign: The Fantastic Miss Piggy Show
Emily, it is a pleasure to do a reading for you. You were born under the sign of The Fantastic Miss Piggy Show, which aired in September, 1982.
Your personality: You are utterly fabulous. You have an uncanny knack for self-promotion, and an oddly haphazard way of choosing guests.
Your future: You are currently at the peak of your power. Unfortunately, this means that your popularity may soon fade – but with careful planning, you can maintain some of your current status. Avoid telling stories about yourself as a baby.
Jon Lasser
Birthdate: September 19, 1970
Sign: Green Oscar Rising
Jon, on the date of your birth, the Muppets were filming the second season of Sesame Street. During this period, the producers changed Oscar’s color from orange to green.
Your personality: You are cranky and messy. You enjoy being by yourself for long periods of time. Your house contains a surprising amount of junk.
Your future: You are about to change your appearance in a startling way. Your new look will make you very popular, although you may be embarrassed by old photos.
Davina Spofford
Birthdate: September 7, 1973
Sign: The Muppet Valentine Show
Davina, you were very wise to consult with me. On the date of your birth, the Muppets were filming The Muppet Valentine Show, the first Muppet Show pilot made for ABC.
Your personality: You are a very loving person. You are interested in others, and you have experienced many different kinds of love in your life. You are generally very funny, although you show an unfortunate tendency to dote on minor celebrities in your midst.
Your future: The plans that you are currently making will not be successful. You will experience some disappointment, but you will learn from your mistakes. After a tumultuous period of change and growth, you will suddenly become more successful than you ever dreamed. Please write in again, and tell me how it’s going.
