[This article was written by Shawn Pero.]
Come with me as I gaze into the Muppet crystal! The way this works, is, you tell me when you were born, and I will use my powers of prognostication to tell you your destiny based on that the Muppets were doing in the year of your birth. Just call me Madame Shawn! Except, don’t call me that.
Your results may vary. Side effects include people knowing how old you are, flashbacks to your childhood, or general ennui. As with all prescription horoscopes and fortune-telling, please consult with your family medium or religious leader.
Joe H.
Birthdate: January 1, 1982
Sign: The Dark Crystal
Joe, you were born under the dark sign of The Dark Crystal, which premiered in 1982. Which automatically makes your birthstone Dark Crystal, but it’ll be tough finding a miniature plush teddy bear with a necklace that includes a piece at convenience stores.
Your personality: Unfortunately, this truly is a dark sign – you are tedious, and possibly too smart for your own good. You look pretty, though.
Your future: College kids will gather around you while high.
Michal R.
Birthdate: November 4, 1983
Sign: Fraggle Rock
Michal, you were born under the whimsical sign of Fraggle Rock, which premiered in the year of your birth.
Your personality: Michals are a noble race – fearless, dignified, and intellectual. They represent the very pinnacle of civilization and culture. A Michal is most assuredly the best of all possible creatures.
Your future: That movie deal you’ve been hoping for? Don’t hold your breath.
Andrew L.
Birthdate: October 23, 1980
Sign: Shirley Bassey
Andrew, your sign is the Shirley Bassey episode of The Muppet Show, where she performed “Goldfinger”.
Your personality: Everything about you shines, and people are always trying to… uh… steal you? Um, the crystal is fading, faaaadinggg…
Your future: You will become either a Bond villain or a Bond girl. Your pick.
Mary Catherine O.
Birthdate: February 9, 1988
Sign: Croonchy Stars
Mary Cate, you were born under the auspicious (and delicious!) Croonchy Star.
Your personality: You are both sweet and entertaining, like the cereal and the box it came in.
Your future: People will spend their entire adult lives trying to remember what you were like. Were you like Apple Jacks? Kinda. Yeah, let’s say Apple Jacks. Croonchy Stars weren’t around long but are fondly remembered. Not saying that should mean anything to you, just keep it in mind.
Catherine W.
Birthdate: November 14, 1975
Sign: Cher
Cathy, you were born under the star of Cher, whose show featured the Muppets on November 16th of your birth year.
Your personality: You believe in life after love.
Your future: Gay men will inexplicably worship you for many, many years. And apparently humor writers will exploit your very tenuous Muppet connections.
Elizabeth Anne E.
Birthdate: November 20, 1984
Sign: Lovable Furry Old Grover’s Resting Places
Elizabeth, your sign is one of stability and comfort, as shown by the book Lovable Furry Old Grover’s Resting Places, which featured a number of Grover’s favorite ‘resting spots’ – colored spots on the pages you can rest yourself on.
Your personality: You always offer people a shoulder to lean on. And luckily for them, it’s designated by a brightly colored circle, so they know just where to lean.
Your future: Get used to people pressing their body parts up against you.
Alaina B.
Birthdate: September 19, 1984
Sign: The Muppet Show On Tour
Alaina, your sign is an enigmatic one – The Muppet Show On Tour live show.
Your personality: You are like the wind, never putting down roots, flitting from place to place. Yet you create much anticipation and always leave people with a smile.
Your future: People will remark that you’re a good five feet taller than you look on TV.
David B.
Birthdate: January 28, 1982
Sign: The Twiddlebug Game
David, your sign is The Twiddlebug Game, a Sesame Street-themed card game.
Your personality: Everyone loves you, David, because you’re such a card! Get it? Because… because of the… you know… right?
Your future: Look, man, I’m really sorry about that joke. We cool?
Kellie B.
Birthdate: October 3, 1973
Sign: Sesamstrasse
Kellie, Ihr Zeichen ist Sesamstrasse, die deutsche Sesamkoproduktion, die 1973 anfing.
Your personality: Sie sind recognizeable aber zu Ihrem amerikanischen Selbst unterschiedlich, aber gerade, wie geliebt au?É??er dieser rosafarbenen Schnecke. Dieses Kerls sonderbar, Mannes.
Your future: Sorgen Sie nicht sich um es – ich bezweifele jedermann, das geht, zu versuchen und darzustellen aus, was dieses sagt.
Peter P.
Birthdate: April 30, 1979
Sign: Shields & Yarnell
Peter, your sign is another enigmatic one: the Shields & Yarnell episode of The Muppet Show, which aired in October of 1979.
Your personality: Who the hell are Shields & Yarnell? Weren’t they that campy pop duo? Oh, no, wait, that’s The Captain & Tennille.
Your future: Hold on, I need to look this up. Okay, it says that Shields & Yarnell were mimes. Huh. Well, alright. You will be very quiet.
Anthony S.
Birthdate: December 30, 1984
Sigh – Another person born in 1984?
Man, you guys. There’s only so much that happened in 1984 with the Muppets, you know? Unless you want to be another Sesame Street book.
Your personality: Okay, you know what? You’re Muppet Babies. How do you like that? Maybe next time you won’t be so born in 1984.
Your future: You will feel slighted by fortune tellers.
Want to have your Muppet Horoscope told? Let us know at the Tough Pigs forums!
