The Muppets are Ugly

Published: October 10, 2011

Recently, HolyTaco.com featured an article titled, “25 Butt Ugly Muppets“. And while I’m excited that the use of the word “butt” will bring about some interesting Google search queries for our site, I’m more than a little disappointed at their choices of ugly Muppets.

I mean, really? The cuddly-but-mean Doglion and Sweetums? Muppet monsters like Mean Mama and Behemoth are deliberately ugly, so should they even count? Janice and Zoot aren’t even remotely ugly!! And don’t get me started on the Labyrinth and Dark Crystal characters.

Basically what I’m saying is this: HolyTaco’s thesis is incorrect. Yeah, I said it. Sorry if I hurt any feelings out there, but someone had to be the Simon Cowell.

Honestly, I could complain all day (and sometimes I do), but why not put my ugliness where my mouth is instead? (Please don’t answer that.) Here are my choices for genuinely ugly Muppet characters.

Ma Gorg

The Ma Gorg design from the first 12 episodes of Fraggle Rock is the epitome of Muppet ugliness. And she’s even ugly by Gorg standards. Her shocking eyeballs, the upturned nose, the mismatched hair make her so much more terrifying than just one of the misunderstood giants the show wanted her to be. How fortuitous that the Fraggle crew decided to rebuild her. Because seriously, yuccha.

“Season One” Gonzo

Sure, Gonzo was supposed to be pretty ugly in his early incarnation. But take a second and take a look at any of his later incarnations, and then look back at this picture. The nose is more crooked and “stabby”, his eyes are pathetically sad, and he is suffering from a bad case of dude-ain’t-got-no-neck. Frankly, the best thing he has going for him is that snazzy purple tux.

Gladys the lunchlady

Gladys is the one Muppet on HolyTaco’s list that makes our list too. And rightfully so, since she’s pretty much a hot mess. That hair! Those glasses! Those buck teeth! I can’t imagine anyone wanting to look at her for more than a few seconds, let alone write a sketch for her or, I dunno, perform her right hand.

Early Snuffy

If I looked like this, I’d try and convince people I was imaginary too.

Anyone from Faffner Hall/Inner Tube/Mother Goose Stories

I really hate the puppet designs from the above series. Henson kept trying to make more lifelike characters, but they ended up with stone-faced nightmares made out of tire rubber. Is it any wonder why all of these series sputtered and died? Yep, blame the rubber.

Mr. Poodlepants

At the risk of insulting Ryan, the World’s Biggest Mr. Poodlepants Fan, I have to admit to hating this character in a big way. But he’s not “ugly” in design like a lot of the other characters in this list as he’s “ugly” in a fashion sense. I’m not exactly sure what Mr. Poodlepants’ purpose was, but he apparently had to go about it while dressed like the champagne room at a clown strip club. It’s like someone threw a bunch of crap against a wall (including, but not limited to the buffont hairdo, glasses, plaid shirt, ruffles, polka dot tie, and the ability to make people want to change the channel) hoping that one of these bizarre and ugly qualities would resonate with the fans. That hope was an abysmal failure.

Pino

PINO GONNA EAT YO FACE!

“Season One” Big Bird

It’s so easy to knock the first Big Bird for his baseball-sized head. But I’m gonna knock him for it anyway. I’d rather hang out with the orange guy in the trash can than the giant, mangy bird who looks (and acts) like he just lost a game of “swing the hammer”. And it’s not just his head, but the glued-on feathers, which make him somehow look both soaking wet and incredibly filthy at the same time.

Aretha, Wander McMooch, Brool

Okay, so Fraggle Rock probably intended for some of their characters to have a certain amount of ugliness, especially since it was a show that boasted inclusion and diversity. But some of the creatures that came about were just too ugly to want on your TV screen. Three that come to mind are the ones above, who are probably currently living under a bridge somewhere.

Angelo

Freaking Angelo. We wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. Sure, you look like the Muppet Workshop found a piece of stray foam and slapped a nose, eyebrows, and mole on it, but you were starring in a new online Muppet production and performed by the talented Tyler Bunch. But your oh-so-special mix of ugly and generic (and… are those Crocs??) ruined everything you touched with your creepy man-hands.

Amanda

This lovely lady started out much uglier (like this), and during the course of “I Feel Pretty”, she fixed her eyes, nose, hair, mouth, and bone structure to look like the angel you see before you today. Oh, but I forgot. She’s not that pretty. In fact, she’s almost more odd-looking than before. Then again, this happens a lot to botched plastic surgery patients, so maybe it’s a comment on our culture’s obsession with beauty and the dangers of surgical altercation? Nope, still ugly.

“Bein’ Green” Kermit

Here’s the one I’m gonna get some emails about. Yeah, Kermit the Frog is on our list. But it’s not just any old Kermit, it’s the Kermit from this version of “Bein’ Green”. He almost looks like a knockoff puppet. His mouth is flimsy and sad, his eyes are unfocused and set too far apart, and he barely resembles the guy who interviewed a Koozebanian or suffered a Miss Piggy karate chop or rode his bike into a steamroller. I’m assuming this is the version of Kermit who never left the swamp, and opted to wallow in the muck until it actually altered his physical appearance. Eh, it’s as good a theory as any.

Any ToughPigs article on the subject of ugliness would be incomplete without this video, which teaches us that being ugly isn’t all that bad. Play me off, boys!