Hey, it’s Christmas! This time of year, everyone’s asking the same question: What’s your return policy?
Also: What is the True Meaning of Christmas? As long as the holiday has existed, folks have wondered how they’re supposed to feel, what they’re supposed to be thinking about, and what they’re supposed to talk about around December 25th.
Okay, most people probably never wonder that. But it’s the premise of this article, so we’re stuck with it. And that’s why I took a look at a bunch of Muppet Christmas specials, and specifically at how they end, for clues and evidence to answer that question I asked a few sentences ago.
John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together
The Denouement: After John Denver and his Muppet pals sing a stirring rendition of “Silent Night,” the camera pulls back to reveal a studio full of kids.
Therefore, the True Meaning of Christmas Is: Children! It’s all about the joy and wonder in the eyes of our beautiful children! Nah, that can’t be it. I’ll keep looking…
It’s a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie
The Denouement: The Muppets nearly losing their theater to the wealthy business tycoon Rachel Bitterman, but at the last minute, they manage to save the theater and foil her plans. Everyone is happy except Bitterman.
Therefore, the True Meaning of Christmas Is: Relishing the misery of mean rich people! Hmm… You know, that sounds better than ever in this day and age, but I’m not quite sure that’s the True Meaning of Christmas. What else is there?
Christmas Eve on Sesame Street
The Denoument: Big Bird spends all of Christmas Eve fretting about the possibility that Santa won’t be able to deliver presents to 123 Sesame Street. Then Santa shows up anyway and makes everyone’s holiday wishes come true… while Big Bird is asleep.
Therefore, the True Meaning of Christmas Is: Sleep! Sleep is the True Meaning of Christmas! Boy, that sounds good to me. And I bet it sounds good to millions of parents whose kids insist on waking up early Christmas morning. I might be on to something here…
Elmo Saves Christmas
The Denouement: Elmo’s wish for Christmas every day makes life awful for everyone — including but not limited to the fact that, because it’s always Christmas, Maria and Luis always have to keep the Fix-It Shop closed, and they’re unable to repair any toasters. Finally, Elmo undoes the wish, and the Fix-It Shop can open for business again.
Therefore, the True Meaning of Christmas Is: Toaster repair! Maybe? But I’ve never seen any Christmas cards with toasters on them. Could that just be an oversight?
The Denouement: A guy cuts the top off a Christmas tree, and some bears find it, and they cut the top off it, and some owls find it, and they cut the top off it, and some mice take it, and everyone’s happy because they have a tree. Something like that.
Therefore, the True Meaning of Christmas Is: Obtaining holiday decorations that are proportional to the average height of your species! Yeah, that’s pretty stupid. Moving on…
The Great Santa Claus Switch
The Denouement: Thog and Thig, two of the monstrous Frackles, renounce their wicked ways when Santa gives them presents.
Therefore, the True Meaning of Christmas Is: Material possessions! I feel like I’m getting closer…
The Denouement: Scrooge learns to appreciate Christmas. A major turning point comes when the Ghost of Christmas Present sings “It Feels Like Christmas.”
Therefore, the True Meaning of Christmas Is: Jerry Nelson. Hmm… Maybe?
Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas
The Denouement: Ma and Emmet fail to win the talent contest, but they still have each other — and Doc Bullfrog offers them a job singing at his restaurant.
Therefore, the True Meaning of Christmas Is: Music, family, and mashed potatoes.
Hey, that’s it! I’ve done it! I’ve discovered THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS! Happy Musical Family Mashed Potato Day, everyone!
Click here to make life awful for everyone on the Tough Pigs forum!
by Ryan Roe – Ryan@ToughPigs.com
