Over the last three Presidential elections, we at ToughPigs have hosted our own elections, choosing exciting candidates and pitting them against each other for a week’s worth of debate, culminating in our readers casting their votes for their preferred leader.
In 2008, Ernie and Bert won out over Gobo and Red. In 2012, Gonzo and Rizzo were elected over Grover and Cookie Monster. And in 2016, Big Bird and Snuffy became our benevolent leaders over Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear. It’s always been a fun experience, as we celebrate democracy with a week’s worth of articles defending each candidate and denouncing the other. But much like this year’s actual Presidential election, this one will be a little different.
We at ToughPigs recognize that the political climate is heated, with new news coming every day from both sides, making it extremely difficult to keep up. Frankly, it’s exhausting. And while we didn’t want to miss out on continuing our quadrennial ToughPigs Election tradition, we also don’t want to distract from what’s actually important. At least, not too much.
Rather than flood our front page with article after article expounding on the pros and cons of each candidate, this year’s ToughPigs Election will be just one article. We’ll give our arguments for the folks that are running, and then at the end you’ll cast your votes. We’ll announce the winner on Monday, November 2nd – the day before the actual election.
This year, Kermit the Frog and his running mate Fozzie Bear will be on the ballot against Doc Hopper and the Chamberlain Skeksis.
Does that seem a little unbalanced to you? Normally that might be an issue, but this year the political climate has divided us so much, we can barely fathom the idea of candidates sharing anything at all in common.
As always, it’s important to compare these candidates based on the topics important to all of us. Let’s see how they measure up.
Economy
When we talk about economic growth, we’re talking about job creation. Kermit the Frog has made a name for himself as a theater producer, using his connections and leadership skills to amass a cast and crew of hundreds. He was able to do this on a shoestring budget, all while moonlighting on Sesame Street. Nothing could stop this Frog from continuing to build his community and providing work – and eventual success – from everyone in his circle.
Doc Hopper is a self-proclaimed businessman. Not only does he own fast food restaurants nation-wide, but he even managed to open one in an alternate universe. But he also has a different ilk of employee. Hopper has a group of gun-toting men at his beck and call who have no qualms of kidnapping innocent frogs and pigs. He has also been connected to the infamous frog killer Snake Walker. Are these the sorts of industries we want our leader to grow?
Plus, he offered Kermit $500 per year to star in his TV commercials. Does Doc Hopper even know the value of a dollar? Or is he just a cheapskate?
Education
Kermit the Frog is a veteran teacher, helping the students of this country learn everything from spelling to proper tooth-brushing techniques. He has introduced children to some of our most beloved fairy tale characters. He has taught them pride and self-esteem. He has even appeared on a few official Read posters from the American Library Association.
You’ve never seen Doc Hopper on a Read poster, have you? How can you say someone is great who’s never had his picture on a Read poster? Doc Hopper doesn’t believe in education, only indoctrination. He wants to indoctrinate the youth of this country to spend all of their allowance on frog leg burgers and/or fried green buns.
Experience
Kermit has been a leader for over 40 years. He led the Muppet Theatrical Troupe for five smash-hit years. Through sheer force of will, he sold and starred in the Broadway hit Manhattan Melodies. But his most relevant experience is his time as the captain of the sailing vessel Hispaniola. He was in charge of a large and varied crew, including both honorable sailors and bloodthirsty pirates. He acted as a true leader, considering the viewpoints of everyone and making the best decisions for the group as a whole.
Doc Hopper believes that yelling loudly makes him qualified to lead, which it does not. As for his running mate, the Chamberlain comes from a society where transfer of power is decided by hitting a giant rock with swords. And even there, he wasn’t qualified.
Foreign Policy
Kermit the Frog has served as an informal ambassador to Canada, throughout Europe, and even to the far reaches of the Planet Koozebane. In each of these places, he’s brought along the goodwill of entertainment, and the promise of the freedom of the press. In a more real-world example, Kermit and Miss Piggy traveled to Russia in 1988 as official ambassadors of “Free to Be… a Family”, where they met with famous Russian pig Khriusha, likely single-handedly ending the Cold War.
For the opposing side’s foreign policy, we look toward Doc Hopper’s running mate, the Chamberlain Skeksis. As we all know, the Chamberlain hails from the distant planet of Thra. (Wouldn’t this make him ineligible for the Vice Presidency? Eh, let’s not think too hard about it.) The Chamberlain’s viewpoint on relations with outsiders is… touchy at best. He talks a big talk, but ultimately (and actively) sees everyone as pawns in his grab for power. He’ll gladly enslave a city of Podlings while committing genocide against the Gelflings, taking whoever’s left over to drain for their essence. And if you think you’d be safe from the Chamberlain if you were on his side… well, he doesn’t exactly play nice with his fellow Skeksis either.
Health Care
Vice Presidential candidate Fozzie Bear is a doctor. Sure, he’s a “Patch Adams” sort of doctor, but a medical professional nonetheless. His methods may be a little unorthodox, but you can’t deny that he gets results. If nothing else, he respects science enough to know that laughter is the bestest medicine.
The Chamberlain, meanwhile, blatantly disregards health care, believing instead that draining his constituents of their essence is the bestest medicine. He has shown that he is literally willing to let everyone else die as long as he’s healthy. Doc Hopper supports this, obviously, because he’s been known to murder those who disagree with him.
Freedom of the Press
Running mates Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear – once known as the greatest identical twin journalists – have a strong respect for the fight for truth. Not only did they travel overseas just to use the power of the press to catch an international jewel thief, but Kermit continued his reporting career through interviews with such luminaries as George Washington, Little Miss Muffet, and Prince Charming. Naturally, these candidates know the value of the truth, and the importance of relaying it to the public without bias.
Meanwhile, Doc Hopper hacked into the radio airwaves from his car just to deliver a threat to Kermit the Frog, violating at least a dozen FCC regulations.
Closing Arguments
Look, we’re not going to beat around the bush here. When you look at these candidates, there’s an obvious choice to make. It’s true whether we’re talking about someone to run the country or to win a fake election on a silly fan site. On one side we’ve got someone who cares about the environment, believes in sciences, puts education first, and cares about the community. On the other side, there’s a failed businessman who entices people into violence, will go to immoral lengths in the name of profit, and who truly doesn’t care about anyone but himself.
There’s no way to put a shiny bow on this metaphor. Joe Biden may not be a perfect analog for Kermit the Frog, and Doc Hopper may not be as gruesome as Donald Trump, but just as the choice for who you prefer is obvious here, it’s moreso in the actual Presidential Election.
If you’ve made it this far, we only ask two things of you. First, that you do everything you can to vote safely and smartly (which includes voting early and in person). Second, that you encourage others to do the same (whether it be contacting friends and family or volunteering your time to phone bank).
Okay, so if you’ve made it this far, it’s time for you to vote on our 2020 ToughPigs President! We’ll announce the big winner on November 2nd, just before the actual election. Naturally, we can’t tell you who to vote for, but come on. Vote for Kermit. (And then later, vote for Joe Biden.)
Click here to vote vote vote votevotevote #vote on the ToughPigs forum!
by Joe Hennes and Anthony Strand
