ToughPigs Presents: Our Fall Vocational Training

Published: September 27, 2021
Categories: Feature, Fun Stuff

Hey, you! Yeah, I’m talking to you. You look like the type of person who just finished community college and found it to be underwhelming. Where were all the paintball games and animated episodes that Joel McHale promised you? That’s the secret, kid – they lied to you. Luckily, we at the ToughPigs Institute of Vocational Training are the most honest bunch going around, see? And we’re prepared to offer you one of our new Correspondence Courses for the low low price of $26,000 a term. You’ll receive a full college degree printed on our very own Canon Pixma MG3660 signed by Dean Cain(s old business partner Bernie) which is legally legal probably.

Not convinced? Maybe this ain’t for you. Maybe I’ll go speak to the people on the Muppet Central forum, they seem much more my speed…

Oh, now you’re interested? But what courses do I have on offer? Allow me to present our Fall line up, filled with courses to help you get the job you want, guaranteed* (*ToughPigs Institute does not guarantee you will get the job you want)

DRIVING 101 – Taught by Professor Jarrod Fairclough

Has this ever happened to you? You’ve headed down to the dreaded DMV for your driving test, waited over 3 hours, then went out only to fail for not stopping at a Stop sign and maybe hitting an old lady’s car? Then sign up for Driving 101, taught by Professor Jarrod Fairclough. Over the course of 5 years, you’ll be taught all the basics on driving, without having to get into a car once! Drive your hibernating uncle’s Studebaker or buy a car for $11.95 when you recieve your unlaminated lisence in the mail (For lamination, please supply a laminator in a self addressed envelope) all thanks to us! This course is fully accredited under the Russian Driving Safety Act of 2024 (yet to pass). But is this legal, you may ask? Don’t worry about it! Just watch this testimonial by one of our many satisfied students;

HOW TO BE A SUPERHERO 101 – Taught by Professor Jarrod Fairclough

Has this ever happened to you? You’ve been out living your life, running erands, when a supervillain has taken over your city with a freeze ray or some rocks in a glove or something? Then sign up for How To Be A Superhero 101, a 108 month course dedicated to getting you all the resources you need to do some magic or whatever. You’ll receive a helmet, a cape, a red shirt and an instruction book called Invincibility Made Easy, written by our neighbour Greg during one of his ‘episodes’. Learn how to deflect bullets (bullets provided for $5.99 per ounce), vanish, swing across buildings on a rope (buildings provided for $26 million per building) and other stuff Greg wrote about (we haven’t finished past Chapter 7). The ToughPigs Institute recently sent multiple complimentary kits to the Muppet Theater, all of which were documented on the Lynda Carter episode of The Muppet Show, now available on Disney+.

INTRODUCTION TO MOCK SWEDISH 101 – Taught by Professor Jarrod Fairclough

Has this ever happened to you? You’ve been in Sweden and someone has said something to you and you haven’t understood it, so you’ve given it a bash anyway and tried our their language only to have them look at you in absolute horror and disgust? Now you can enrol in our Introduction To Mock Swedish 101 course, a 4 minute crash course in how to talk in a way that some people might think is Swedish but is actually nonsense. Guaranteed to have your friends and colleagues assume you probably know a bit of Swedish, our course will have you saying authentic Mock Swedish phrases like ‘Bork Bork Bork’ and ‘Da flim is okey dokey’. Still not convinced? Watch this class film starring sitcom royalty and previous ToughPigs Institute student Jean Stapleton as she converses with a chef!

OSTEOPATHOLOGY (aka BONEYOLOGY) 101 – Taught by Professor Jarrod Fairclough

Has this ever happened to you? You’ve been thinking about being a boneologist? Then have we got the course for you! Join us in Osteopathology 101, a 56 year course dedicated to bones I think. This class is so simple, even a monkey could do it! And did it he did, as in the mid-90’s we had monkey Sal Minella join our course and helped all of his friends. Crack your patients’ backs, twist their necks, curl them into a ball! Only safely this time, as opposed to that time you did it to your cousin when you were kids and your aunt still hasn’t forgiven you because your cousin still has a weird cricking noise in their neck. You’ll receieve a copy of Bones For Beginners, our advanced guide on all things calcium. Do you need more convincing? Who do you think you are!? Ugh, fine, watch this training video we made in 1996 but didn’t air until 1997.

Click here to enrol in the ToughPigs Institute of Vocational Training on the ToughPigs forum!

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