Welcome, everyone, to the 2008 Ugly Muppet Toy Pageant. In case you’ve forgotten how this works, here are Sad, Pathetic, Broken-Eyed Cookie Monster and Drum Major Oscar to present the rules:
Over the past few weeks, the Ugly Toy contestants were rated, evaluated, and in some cases hated by the Tough Pigs community at large. People rated each toy on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being “not that ugly” and 5 being “extreeeeemely ugly.” Here, now, today, at last, finally, comma, we’ll count down the “winners,” starting with the Not That Ugly toys, and working up to the toys that have been voted by our readers as the ugliest toys of the year. Color commentary from the voters is provided for your entertainment.
Thank you, fellas. Sad, Pathetic, Broken-Eyed Cookie Monster and Drum Major Oscar, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s hear it for them. And now, on with the results!
Not Really That Ugly
Wendy Loves Kermit – Madame Alexander, found somewhere on the internet
Score: 2.5
“Wendy thinks it’s not easy being green, but try having a head that weighs more than the rest of your body.” -Mary Catherine O”If Wendy loves Kermit, what’s she doing with this thing?” – Justin W
“Who’s Wendy?” -Kris
Bert as a carpenter – submitted by Halfway Down the Stairs
Score: 2.52
“Bert looks like such a tool.” -Michal R
“He won’t get the job done, but he won’t maul your children either.” -Kris
“He can build a beach house in just a week, but it takes three hours for him to dress himself.” -Lara F
“I didn’t think there was much else you could do to make Bert look more uncool. I stand corrected. Mystified, disgusted, and corrected.” -David B
Gonzo sugar bowl – Sigma, mid 1970s, found on Muppet Wiki
Score: 2.56
“It reminds me of something my crazy grandmother might have painted. In therapy. On her ward in the psych hospital.” -Jessica E
“You can’t tell me this isn’t EXACTLY what Gonzo would do if he ever encountered a giant sugar bowl.” -Grant
“I’m amused at the idea that Gonzo is portraying both the Mad Hatter and the Dormouse. Oh, and the town drunk.” -Joe H
“From Gonzo’s brief ‘pickle-as-a-nose” phase.” -Mary Catherine O
“…Right. Sugar.” -Lara F
“When was Gonzo a disgruntled chimney sweep?” -Colin G
Retro Kermit – Brass Key Collectibles, submitted by Jamie Badminton, Halfway Down the Stairs, and Joe Hennes
Score: 2.68
“This is one of the worst things I have ever seen.” -Tony W
“Who’d have thought you could admire Kermit’s outtasite ‘fro AND use him to wash dishes?” -Nancy P
“I love how it’s called ‘Retro Kermit’ — as if Kermit EVER did or would sport that look.” -Justin P
“We know what Kermit looked like in the 70s, and it certainly wasn’t the love child of Don King and Barry Gibb.” -Mary Catherine O
“…the real kicker is his childbearing hips.” -Mo W
Gonzo doll – submitted by Jamie Badminton
Score: 2.84
“How ugly can it be? It’s not wearing a chili pepper tie.” -Peter P
“It looks like Cookie Monster is swallowing Gonzo whole.” -Michael H
“Probably gonna enjoy a HELL of a hangover in the morning.” -Smig
“He wears it to his left just like I do.” -James W
“That mouth… Why?” -Tony W
Elmo as Oscar – Sanrio, submitted by Danny Horn
Score: 2.84
“I am agog.” -David B
“If we ever needed proof that Elmo was a horrific alien larva, devouring his victims from the inside before bursting, hideously swollen, out of their shriveled skins… er… why did we want that proof again?” -Justin W
“Is he wearing Oscar’s skin? Is Elmo Buffalo Bill???” -Joe H
“You know, for those who think Elmo is taking over Sesame Street, this is some pretty damning evidence.” -Ian
“…it just makes me wonder… what if it’s REALLY Oscar in an Elmo mask? Or Grover in an Oscar suit in an Elmo mask? Or a vase? Or two people kissing?” -Colin G
Semi-Finalists: Kind of Ugly
Animal and Fozzie – Sababa, 2003, submitted by Tony Whitaker
Score: 2.85
“Jesus and Fat Albert, reunited at last!” -Mary Catherine O
“Is it their wedding day? I don’t understand what’s happening here.” -Tim H
“You‘d think the folks who decided to clothe Fozzie at all could have left him his dignity, or at least his hat.” -Michal R
“Me try Hare Krishna! Now world all make sense. Bah-bye!” -Tony W
“These guys are at every college party I’ve been to, and they’re always leaving with like, 12 girls! Jackasses…” -Ian
“Does Fozzie have breasts?” -Mo W
Guy Smiley beanie – submitted by Nancy P
Score: 3.04
“It’s time for everyone’s favorite game show: Wire-in-the-Socket!” -Michal R
“This Guy’s eyes are in different time zones!” -Justin P
“I wore my hair like that every day in elementary school.” -David B
“His chin is of Jay Leno-like proportions, and his smile is eerily reminescent of Heath Ledger’s Joker. Terrifying.” -Mary Catherine O
“What a remarkable likeness of the time Guy Smiley stuck a fork in an electrical outlet, had his nose redone, and put on just a touch of lipstick!” -GG
“More like Guy Creepy.” -Michael H
Miss Piggy in a carrot – Nanco, submitted by Joe Hennes
Score: 3.24
“Ahh, this reminds me of all the TV specials and films where Miss Piggy drove around in her patented carrot car… So many memories…” -Justin P
“This toy is perfect, and I’m insulted to see it on the list at all.” -Joe H
“Token phallic joke.” -Peter P
“Is that Miss Piggy in a carrot, or are you just happy to see me?” -Michal R
“Not only does Piggy not really look like Piggy, the carrot doesn’t really look like a carrot either.” -Grant
“I’ll believe it when pigs drive carrots… aw, nuts!” -Mary Catherine O
“The only time you’ll see Piggy with a carrot?” -Lara F
“Having fallen on hard times, Miss Piggy has been forced to carjack Gobo Fraggle’s 1988 Happy Meal Toy, which she will sell for parts.” -David B
Elmo doll – submitted by Ryan Dosier
Score: 3.38
“Elmo, dear, you can’t eat that much. Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.” -Justin W
“Will anyone answer Elmo’s supplication, or will he fall victim to the array of classic toys behind him? You decide.” -Michal R
“The David Blaine Elmo: ‘I will now make my eyes levitate out of my head!’” -Kris
“He’s just trying to count the number of songs he songs he sings on Songs from the Street, which is directly equal to the number of songs I skip on Songs from the Street.” -David B
“I know there’s a joke here. But I just can’t SEE IT.” -Lara F
“…isn’t Elmo furry?” -Justin P
Animal finger puppet – Starbucks, 2003, submitted by DJTR
Score: 3.44
“Does the look on his face read ecstacy or pain?” -Jessica E
“I sincerely hope the candy cane is wearing protection.” -Michal R
“I have one word: DUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” -Nancy P
Finalists
Kermit doll – submitted by Neil Whitman
Score: 3.56
“What kid wouldn’t want his own nauseous Kermit doll?” -Joe H
“This isn’t Kermit. This is the haunting, empty carcass of the frog suit that Doc Hopper wore in his French Fried Frog Legs commercials.” -Peter P
“Looks like the ‘good grief’ grimace Kermit makes.” -Mini Skunk
“What’s frightening about this doll is it looks like there’s still a hand inside of it.” -Ian
“Collagen implants finally give Kermit the pouty lips he’s always wanted.” -Michael H
“How many pool tables did they slaughter to make these?” -Smig
“Twenty-five years ago you could buy flawless Kermit dolls. Has technology been moving backwards since then?” -Tim H
“And look at the meathooks on that frog!” -Justin P
Waldorf doll – Toy Factory, 2007, submitted by Tony Whitaker
Score: 4
“Who the f*** wants a Waldorf doll?” -Mo W
“Is it me, or does Waldorf resemble a sock monkey?” -Jessica E
“Hey! I bet I can make a likeness of Waldorf with really round geometric shapes and undersized doll clothes…” “You’re on!” -Kris
“It’s Colonel Mustard in the balcony with the poisoned tongue.” -Peter P
“Whatever he’s caught in that throat of his will hopefully dislodge itself soon.” -Nancy P
“…who knew he had such great legs!” -Justin P
“If the real Waldorf saw this, he’d heckle himself.” -Smig
“Serenity now!” -Michael H
“This is not Waldorf. This is the elderly, asymmetrically-dressed offspring of an illicit relationship between Ziggy and a sucker fish.” -GG
Oscar puppet – Applause, found on Muppet Wiki
Score: 4.08
“That Oscar looks like he smells like a trash can. Nice work, Applause!” -Joe H
“It’s not often you see a naked Oscar doll, and this is why.” -Tony W
“I know Oscar loves trash, but he probably doesn’t love the garbage truck that just ran him over.” -Mary Catherine O
Second Runner-up
Count doll – submitted by Halfway Down the Stairs
Score: 4.13
“I’m sorry, I thought you said it was a Count doll. I’d better put on my monocle and look again.” -Michal R
“Kinda looks like John Travolta.” -Mo W
“He looks kinda like some creepy guy you keep trying to avoid at a bar… otherwise, not so bad.” -Kris
“Half vampire, half werewolf, all ugy.” -Ian
“Also sold as the Laverne & Shirley ‘Squiggy’ doll.” -Mike H
“I recommend decongestants, vitamin C and lots of product.” -James W
First Runner-Up
Fozzie doll – submitted by Halfway Down the Stairs
Score: 4.36
“This. Is. Hideous.” -D.W.M.“It’s ugly, but the facial expression really conveys Fozzie’s desperation.” -Grant
“I appreciate the artistry in catching Fozzie just after the viewer has drawn back the shower curtain.” -Michal R“I thought about docking this Ugly Fozzie points for being obvious, but then I vomited all over my keyboard.” -Peter P
“I feel it’s almost too easy to attack Fozzie dolls anymore. I grant this one a free pass. Go hobble about your life, Fozzie doll. But if I ever see you on my property again, I’mma get my gun.” -David B
“What’s obnoxious about this doll isn’t its looks. It’s the fact that this picture looks like the doll held the camera in front of its face and took the picture itself for its Facebook profile, and really, if you have so few friends that you have to resort to doing that, you have no business on Facebook.” -Ian
And now, ladies and gentlemen…
The moment you’ve all been waiting for…
Truly one of the most hideous toys ever created…
THE WINNER
Big Bird bean bag – Knickerbocker, submitted by Tony Whitaker
Score: 4.52
“Someone beat poor Big Bird with an ugly stick, and then chopped off his toes!” -GG
“Looks like he wants a hug but I’d steer clear, kids…” -Justin P
“This is what you get when Big Bird’s brother and sister decide to have a baby.” -Joe H
“Oh no! I stepped on my… AAAAUUUUGGHH!!! Keanu Reeves ate my brain!!!!” -Peter P
“When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse come a-gallopin’ down Sesame Street, this toy is our first sign that the End is Near.” -Quinn R
And there you have it. Thanks to everyone who voted and everyone who submitted toys! I’m already looking forward to the next pageant! (What am I, a masochist?)
Click here to talk about ug-ug-ugly Muppet toys on the Tough Pigs forum!
by Ryan Roe – Ryan@ToughPigs.com
