presenting research by the Tough Pigs Foundation
conducted on your behalf and at your expense
One of the most important problems we face in This Modern Age is the difficulty of precisely gauging the maturity level of others. I state this as a general rule without any fear of contradiction.
After all, we live in a world in which eleven year olds insist on being called “young adults,” but the President of the United States is referred to by his first name. Twelve year old girls are carrying firearms and getting pregnant, while forty year old men camp outside a movie theater for three days to be the first in line to see the new Star Wars movie. It is becoming increasingly difficult to tell whether any given person you encounter is in fact a grown-up.
Rushing in where responsible scientists fear to tread, the Tough Pigs Foundation presents the following Maturity Test. This test has been evaluated by independent authorities, and is now licensed for use by the general public, on first dates or for job interviews.
In order to administer the test, you must have copies of the following Bear in the Big Blue House books:
Going Potty: An Interactive Book with Flaps, Magic Wheels, and Pull-tabs
and
The test is scored according to the Revised Standard Cosmo-Quiz System. For each of the following five items, the subject will receive 0 to 10 points. The final Maturity Score can range from 0 to 50, with 0 points being a third-grader and 50 points being Maya Angelou.
Note: Some items refer to the subject using a male pronoun. The male pronoun was used because it is very rarely necessary to test a woman’s maturity.
Item #1.
Give your subject the Going Potty book. As the story opens, Ojo is getting ready to go to Christine Rabbit’s house to play. Bear asks Ojo if she needs to go to the potty first, and Ojo agrees that she has to go. On the third full-page spread, Ojo is seen sitting on the toilet, with Bear standing helpfully nearby. The toilet paper is on a Pull-tab, and you can pull the toilet paper up and down.
Choose one of the following:
A. If the subject nods and says, “This looks like it would be very educational”: 10 points.
B. If the subject smirks and pulls the Pull-tab up and down more than twice: 5 points.
C. If the subject grins and shouts, “Hey! Ojo needs to wipe!”: 0 points.
Item #2.
On the next page, Bear reminds Ojo to flush the toilet. There’s a picture of Bear next to the toilet, urging Ojo to reach for the handle. The toilet bowl has a Magic Wheel that you can turn to make the water go around in the bowl.
A. If the subject turns the Magic Wheel once, saying, “I wish I’d had this book when I was potty training my kids”: 10 points.
B. If the subject laughs out loud: 6 points.
C. If the subject turns the Magic Wheel for more than fifteen seconds, making flushing noises: 0 points.
Item #3.
Give your subject When You’ve Got To Go!, and continue to monitor his response closely. In this book, Tutter and Bear are playing checkers, when Bear notices Tutter squirming. He asks if Tutter has to go to the bathroom, and assures him that they can keep playing after Tutter comes back. Tutter takes a while, and Bear calls to Tutter in his mousehole and asks if he’s okay. Tutter’s response: “Fine, Bear, fine! I just had to poop!”
A. If the subject finds this refreshingly direct: 10 points.
B. If the subject finds this intensely amusing: 4 points.
C. If the subject yells, “Tutter has to POOP!”: 0 points.
Item #4.
After Tutter’s finished, Treelo tells Bear that Ojo needs his help. Bear finds Ojo in the upstairs bathroom. Ojo tells Bear that she had to go to the bathroom, but couldn’t get to the potty on time. “That’s okay, Ojo,” Bear says as he mops the bathroom floor. “Accidents can happen to anyone. It’s great that you did your best to get to the potty.”
A. If the subject notes that this is reassuring and helpful: 10 points.
B. If the subject giggles: 5 points.
C. If the subject says, “Tutter should show Ojo where to POOP!”: 0 points.
Item #5.
At the end of the book, Pip and Pop announce that they have a great idea — The Mystic Order of Toileteers, a club for everyone who uses the potty. Everyone in the house joins. The book comes with a gold sticker that depicts Pip and Pop cheering and the words: “I’M A TOILETEER!”
A. If the subject smiles: 9 points.
B. If the subject laughs out loud: 6 points.
C. If the subject sticks the Toileteer sticker on his shirt and dances around the room singing, “I’m a Toileteer! La la la! Poop, poop! Flush, flush! La la!”: 0 points.
Note: There is no option for item #5 to score 10 points, because there is no known mature response to the Toileteers sticker. The only way to discover the completely mature response would be to give a Toileteers sticker to Maya Angelou, and no one can work up the courage to do it.
Bonus Scoring:
If, upon reading these books, the subject posts a lengthy piece about them on his website, trying to pretend that he isn’t just looking for an excuse to make poop jokes: subtract 35 points.
