Secret Santa – Part Four

Published: December 21, 2004

Secret Santa
Part 4: Hostile Takeover

Back at the workshop, Fred is worried. Where’d Santa go? Zippety says, “Maybe he had an errand to run.” Then Cosmo walks in, dressed as Santa…

Cosmo	Phew! Lousy rotten stinkin’ weather out there.
Zippety	Hello, sir! Good to see you!
Cosmo	What? Oh. Ho ho ho! Hi there, little elves! Good ta see ya, hi… Dancer, Prancer… Vixen…
Skippety	Ho ho! That’s funny, Santa!
Cosmo	Say, you guys building a lot of toys for Santa Claus?
Bing	Oh, yeah! We certainly are!
Cosmo	Good, good! Keeps ya outta trouble. Well, I think I’ll take a little nap now. Phew.
	(Cosmo exits.)
Zippety	See, Fred? I told you that Santa Claus was all right.
Fred	Yeah, maybe so, but I wonder why he’s taking a nap in the coat closet.
	(With a crash, Santa bursts out of the closet.)
Cosmo	Why don’t you guys just knock it off for a while.
Skippety	Gosh, Santa! Is it time for our cookie break?
Cosmo	Oh, yeah, cookie break! Everybody take a cookie break now!
	(The elves file out happily.)

With the elves out of the room, Cosmo takes a moment to relax, and scratch under his beard.

Cosmo

I don’t believe this. I don’t believe this at all. These little creeps, they’re gonna drive me nuts. Phew! How does the real Santa Claus stand it?

But Fred is suspicious, and he pops up from behind the desk to catch Cosmo…

Fred	A-ha!
Cosmo	Hanh? Oh, ho ho ho! How are ya there, little elf?
Fred	You, sir, are a fake! A phony!
Cosmo	Oh, brother…
Fred	What did you do with the real Santa Claus? Are you gonna come clean, or do I have to beat it out of ya? Huh?
Cosmo	You gotta be kiddin’.
Fred	Listen, if you’re gonna play it that way, put up your dukes, you!
Cosmo	You shouldn’t have done that, kid. You should NOT have DONE that!

In a flash, Cosmo brings the elf down to his cave.

Frackle

What is that?

Cosmo

This is an elf. The little bum knows that I’m not the real Santa Claus.

Fred

Indeed I do. You might as well give up, sir. My boys have this cave surrounded.

Cosmo passes the elf to a big Frackle, who takes him down into a dungeon cell.

Cosmo	Well, I guess that ends that problem.
Lothar	I doubt it.
Cosmo	What’s your trouble?
Lothar	Well, may the humble Lothar ask a question of you, oh mountain of mentality?
Cosmo	Shoot.
Lothar	What are you gonna do when the other elves find out that this one is missing?
Cosmo	Hmmm. Never thought of that. I guess we’ll have to replace him, and hope that no one notices…

Up in the workshop, the elves are busy, singing their happy song.

Elves

We’re Zippety! Skippety! Hoppity! Bing! Bong!

Frackle

… and Fred.

Cosmo	Congratulations, they really think you’re Fred.
Hoppity	Santa?
Cosmo	Yeah?
Hoppity	I don’t think that’s Fred.

Cosmo grabs Hoppity, and brings him down to the cave.

Cosmo

He didn’t think that was Fred!

Hoppity is tossed into the cell with Fred. They wonder what’s happening topside…

Another Frackle has infiltrated as Hoppity, and is passing unnoticed.

Zippety

Santa, I wonder if you’d mind checking over this list of… Santa! You’re smoking a cigar!

Cosmo

Well, either that or my head is on fire, so what?

Zippety

But… you didn’t used to smoke. Something funny’s going on around here!

Soon, the elves have another roommate in their cell, and another Frackle takes his place.

The other elves have finally noticed something strange, and they approach Cosmo, who’s reading a newspaper. They see him scratch under his beard — and now they’re prisoners, too.