Brothers and sisters, frogs and pigs, it’s time for a math lesson. Don’t worry, it’s not complicated — just simple arithmetic.
First, let’s take a look at Columbia Tristar’s Muppet Family Christmas DVD, which is coming out in November. This is one of the best Muppet Christmas specials ever, with characters from The Muppet Show, Fraggle Rock, Sesame Street and Muppet Babies all coming together for the holidays.
Oh, wait, except you won’t see Muppet Babies on this DVD. That part was cut out. Oh, and Piggy’s entrance, when she sings “Home for the Holidays” to Kermit and then slips on the icy patch? That’s been edited out too. Ditto Fozzie’s duet with the snowman, which sets up Fozzie’s whole subplot for the rest of the show. In fact, this DVD is only 42 minutes long, cutting out around 10 minutes or so of the original special. With me so far?
Here’s the math part. This 42-minute hacked-up mess of a DVD is retailing for $19.95. So now I take out my trusty rusty calculator, divide $19.95 by 42 minutes, and I get 47 and a half cents per minute.
I’ll pause for a moment to let that sink in.
47 and a half cents per minute.
Now, I don’t know about you — but round these parts, I don’t usually pay 47 and a half cents per minute for my entertainment.
At 47 and a half cents per minute, a ticket for a 90-minute movie would cost you $42.75. The two-hour Survivor finale would set you back an even $57.00.
Honestly, at those prices, I usually expect breakfast the next morning. A glass of orange juice at least.
Keep in mind that we’re not talking about premium remastered collectors’ edition stuff here. We’re talking about a 1988 TV Christmas special that’s already been out on video twice, hack-and-slash butchered down to 42 minutes and duped straight from a video master onto DVD.
For comparison’s sake, let’s look at an actual premium remastered collectors’ edition DVD — the new Simpsons first season box set, for example, released last month by the good and deserving Twentieth Century Fox. That’s got 13 half-hour episodes. At let’s say 22 minutes an episode, that’s 286 minutes, not counting the extensive extras and audio commentaries. The list price of this 3-disc set? $39.98. So if we’re not even counting all the cool extras and commentaries, that still works out to 14 cents a minute. At the Muppet Family Christmas rate, the Simpsons set would cost you $135.85.
Am I overstating the problem here? Apparently not. Check out these new Sesame Street DVD’s coming out from Sony Wonder in mid-November: Kids’ Favorite Songs — 30 minutes, list price $16.98. Kids’ Favorite Songs, Volume 2 — I’m not kidding — 30 minutes, $16.98. The Alphabet Jungle Game — 28 minutes, $16.98.
$16.98 for the Alphabet Jungle Game. That’s over 60 cents per minute for a ten-year-old Sesame video duped straight to DVD. And those Kids’ Favorite Songs DVD’s? That’s 56 and a half cents a minute to watch Elmo and Zoe sing Old McDonald Had a Farm. Talk about your E-I-E-I-Owe.
Brothers and sisters, frogs and pigs, there is something terribly, terribly wrong here. These DVD cowboys think they can ride into our town, turn us upside down, and shake the change out of our pockets. They think they can kick over our trash cans and steal the bread out of our kids’ mouths.
Something has to be done. The diplomatic solutions are not working. It’s time for us to rise up and resist.
I’m calling upon each of you to join with me in peaceful, non-violent protest against the DVD bloodsuckers. We’ll chain ourselves to Christmas trees. We’ll go on hunger strikes where we eat nothing but Christmas cookies. We’ll march on their corporate offices in our millions, waving our placards:
Free the Fozzie-Snowman Duet!
No Extras, No Peace!
Imagine it with me for just a moment. Imagine a world in which Sesame Street DVD’s were within the reach of every American family. Imagine if everyone could watch Muppet Christmas specials, and Columbia Tristar had to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.
This doesn’t have to be a fantasy. But I need you to rise up, Muppet fans.
Rise up and dream with me.
For more information on why Sesame Street DVD’s cost so darn much, write to: dvd@sonymusic.com
For more information on why Muppet Christmas DVD’s cost so darn much, you can’t write to anyone, because Columbia Tristar doesn’t list an e-mail address or phone number on their site.
