Every year, more movies are released. And every year they get nominated for Academy Awards. And every year, we post this article. Who are we to argue with tradition?
You see, we have a responsibility to divulge our secret method in predicting who will win at the Oscars, and so far, it’s been completely fool-proof. And we should know – we’re the fools. (Sure, we only got four predictions right last year, but we’ll do better this time. Promise.)
Our method is this: Only the biggest and best talents win awards. And only the best and biggest talents work with the Muppets. Therefore, the people and productions with the bestest and biggenest Muppet connections will win at the Oscars.
Folks, we can’t lose.
Ahead of the Academy Awards this weekend, check out our predictions that are 100% guaranteed to maybe probably be accurate. Because: Muppets!
Actor in a Supporting Role
Sterling K. Brown for American Fiction
Robert De Niro for Killers of the Flower Moon
Robert Downey, Jr. for Oppenheimer
Ryan Gosling for Barbie
Mark Ruffalo for Poor Things
We’re starting off with a bang, as all five of these nominees have a Muppet connection in one way or another. Sterling K. Brown devoured cookies with Cookie Monster in Sesame Street‘s 50th anniversary special. Robert De Niro sang Christmas tunes with Kermit the Frog on Saturday Night Live and taught Elmo about acting on Sesame Street. Robert Downey, Jr. stumbled his way into the titular role of Mr. Willowby’s Christmas Tree. Mark Ruffalo explained the Word of the Day, “Empathy” to Murray on Sesame Street and appeared in the Creature Shop film Where the Wild Things Are. The only one without a direct connection is Ryan Gosling, who has to settle for having his name mentioned by Pepe in Muppets Haunted Mansion as a celebrity he hopes to mingle with. So with this plethora of options, we’re giving the first Oscar of the night to Robert Downey, Jr., who can claim to be the lead of a Muppet special. But really, it’s so we can show just how far he’s come, from his embarrassing performance in Willowby to an Academy Award winner.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Emily Blunt for Oppenheimer
Danielle Brooks for The Color Purple
America Ferrera for Barbie
Jodie Foster for Nyad
Da’Vine Joy Randolph for The Holdovers
Only two of these talented actresses have had the honor of working with the Muppets. Emily Blunt served as Miss Piggy’s snooty executive assistant in The Muppets, and then later taught Elmo all about the word “Explore” on Sesame Street. But we’re giving this one to Jodie Foster, who appeared on Sesame Street twice: Once to direct Telly as he recites “Little Jack Horner,” and again to talk about the word “Important” with Oscar the Grouch. She also chatted with Pepe on the red carpet of her film Flightplan and she contributed a recipe for “Penne with Broccoli Rabe” for Miss Piggy’s cookbook, which I shall be cooking and eating while she accepts her Academy Award.
Actor in a Leading Role
Bradley Cooper for Maestro
Colman Domingo for Rustin
Paul Giamatti for The Holdovers
Cillian Murphy for Oppenheimer
Jeffrey Wright for American Fiction
Despite Paul Giamatti‘s brush with Henson, thanks to his cameo in the Creature Shop film Dr. Dolittle, this award goes to Jeffrey Wright, who appeared as his character from Westworld in a crossover promo with Sesame Street. And unlike the other nominees, he got to see himself in Muppet form as well.
Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Bening for Nyad
Lily Gladstone for Killers of the Flower Moon
Sandra Hüller for Anatomy of a Fall
Carey Mulligan for Maestro
Emma Stone for Poor Things
Close call! Should this award go to Annette Bening for her Sesame Street sketches with Super Grover and Cookie Monster? Or does Emma Stone deserve it for balancing books on her head with Abby Cadabby? Oh, decisions decisions… I guess we’ll have to go with quantity over quality, with Annette Bening‘s two appearances over Emma Stone’s singular one. Well deserved!
Animated Feature Film
The Boy and the Heron
Elemental
Nimona
Robot Dreams
Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
Sadly, none of these animated films have any direct Muppet references that I can see. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse may have taken it away on a technicality, if only it featured more Spider-Ham (oh well, maybe in the threequel…). But I’m excited to see this one go to Robot Dreams for the way it builds a world featuring anthropomorphic animals hanging around as if they’re people. If they didn’t pull at least a little direct influence from the Muppets, I’d be shocked.
Best Original Song
“The Fire Inside” from Flamin’ Hot by Diane Warren
“I’m Just Ken” from Barbie by Mark Ronson and Andrew Wyatt
“It Never Went Away” from American Symphony by Jon Batiste and Dan Wilson
“Wahzhazhe” from Killers of the Flower Moon by Scott George
“What Was I Made For?” from Barbie by Billie Eilish and Finneas O’Connell
One time “I’m Just Ken” co-writer Mark Ronson met Kermit and Pepe on the red carpet of the Grammy Awards, and that right there is all he needs to deserve an Oscar.
Directing
Justine Triet for Anatomy of a Fall
Martin Scorsese for Killers of the Flower Moon
Christopher Nolan for Oppenheimer
Yorgos Lanthimos for Poor Things
Jonathan Glazer for The Zone of Interest
Martin Scorsese’s dad appeared as an extra in The Muppets Take Manhattan. If that wasn’t enough, I found this picture of him with Bert and Ernie, and just look how happy he is! Give that man an award!
Best Animated Short Film
Letter to a Pig
Ninety-Five Senses
Our Uniform
Pachyderme
War is Over! Inspired by the Music of John and Yoko
Letter to a Pig is about the Dom DeLuise episode of The Muppet Show in which Scooter writes a bunch of fake fan letters to Miss Piggy in order to convince Kermit to appreciate her more. Okay, it’s not… but what if it was!?
Best Picture
American Fiction
Anatomy of a Fall
Barbie
The Holdovers
Killers of the Flower Moon
Maestro
Oppenheimer
Past Lives
Poor Things
The Zone of Interest
Here we are a the big award. Who’s gonna take home the Oscar?? With no Muppets appearing in feature films this year, we’re gonna have to make this a thematic connection to decipher the winner. Will it be The Holdovers for its early ’70s aesthetic? Or Poor Things for the almost Muppet-like animal hybrids? Or maybe The Zone of Interest for its, uh… no, that movie has nothing in common with the Muppets. Barbie is a close call, considering the fact that the toy has enough Muppet connections to justify an entire Muppet Wiki article. But I’m going rogue and giving this to Killers of the Flower Moon, which features a very brief cameo by Lucas Ross, who has recently “assisted Kermit” with his banjo playing. If you try really hard, you can hear Kermit’s banjo in the film, which is almost as good as Kermit appearing in the movie himself, which is just enough to earn the film an Academy Award.
And there you have it! A bunch of winners of this year’s Academy Awards! You’re so very welcome in advance for your guaranteed wins at your Oscar pools. Enjoy the show!
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by Joe Hennes – Joe@ToughPigs.com
