Ah, the Academy Awards! I love watching the awards show that tells us, definitively, what the best films are, as if art isn’t subjective or whatever. But wouldn’t it be nice if, say, we could just predict the winners beforehand? It sure would be, and it is, because that’s what we do every single year.
Yes, it’s time for our annual Oscar predictions! We know that only the best and most talented people get to work with the Muppets, and the best and most talented people win awards. Therefore, the people with the best Muppet connections are bound to win big at the Academy Awards! It’s science!
We’re running down the big Oscar categories and spoiling the end of this year’s Oscars ceremony by revealing the winners. This process is (nearly) foolproof. Last year, we accurately predicted the winners of all four acting categories, as well as Best Picture. Read on to see who will take home the prize this year, and feel free to use that information for nefarious deeds such as cheating on your Oscar pool.
(Before you start, be sure to check out our Oscar movie poster parodies, featuring Muppetized spoofs of all the Best Picture nominees!)
Actor in a Supporting Role
Mahershala Ali for Green Book
Adam Driver for BlacKkKlansman
Sam Elliott for A Star Is Born
Richard E. Grant for Can You Ever Forgive Me?
Sam Rockwell for Vice
Adam Driver came close to working with the Muppets by appearing in The Last Jedi with Frank Oz, and Sam Elliott sure has the voice of a Henson creation, but the only gentleman on this list who actually worked on a Henson production is Sam Rockwell. Rockwell appeared in two Creature Shop films: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. This is exactly the reason why we chose him for Best Supporting Actor last year, which he then won. Never doubt our process.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams for Vice
Marina de Tavira for Roma
Regina King for If Beale Street Could Talk
Emma Stone for The Favourite
Rachel Weisz for The Favourite
Emma Stone may have appeared on Sesame Street to teach the word “balance” with Abby Cadabby, but that’s nothing compared to Amy Adams, who starred in a whole friggin’ movie with the Muppets. She didn’t earn an Oscar for her role as Mary in The Muppets, but she’ll win one this year.
Actor in a Leading Role
Christian Bale for Vice
Bradley Cooper for A Star Is Born
Willem Dafoe for At Eternity’s Gate
Rami Malek for Bohemian Rhapsody
Viggo Mortensen for Green Book
Hey, did you know that Rami Malek met Gobo and Red Fraggle one time? Neither did I until I started doing research for this article!
Actress in a Leading Role
Yalitza Aparicio for Roma
Glenn Close for The Wife
Olivia Colman for The Favourite
Lady Gaga for A Star Is Born
Melissa McCarthy for Can You Ever Forgive Me?
Glenn Close is close (ha) to winning for appearing on Sesame Street in a segment with Oscar the Grouch, but this one is going to Lady Gaga, who made a cameo in Muppets Most Wanted and (regretfully) starred in a holiday special with the Muppets. Whatever the case, we know this award won’t be going to Melissa McCarthy, who starred in one of the worst films of the year with the Henson Company.
Animated Feature Film
Incredibles 2
Isle of Dogs
Mirai
Ralph Breaks the Internet
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
Only one film this year featured Kermit the Frog, and that film is on this list. Congratulations Ralph Breaks the Internet, your Muppet love wins you an Oscar.
Best Original Song
“All The Stars” from Black Panther by Kendrick Lamar, SZA
“I’ll Fight” from RBG by Diane Warren, Jennifer Hudson
“The Place Where Lost Things Go” from Mary Poppins Returns by Marc Shaiman, Scott Wittman
“Shallow” from A Star Is Born by Lady Gaga, Mark Ronson, Anthony Rossomando, Andrew Wyatt and Benjamin Rice
“When A Cowboy Trades His Spurs For Wings” from The Ballad of Buster Scruggs by David Rawlings and Gillian Welch
Imagine my surprise to learn that some of these people actually have Muppet connections! Mark Ronson, who produced hit songs like “Rehab” and “Uptown Funk”, met Kermit and Pepe on the red carpet of the Grammy Awards back in 2008. Marc Shaiman appeared on stage with Elmo and Zoe at a benefit gala. Lady Gaga already won her award a couple categories above, so this one goes to Jennifer Hudson, who sang “Carol of the Bells” in Elmo’s Christmas Countdown, which remains one of my favorite Sesame Street Christmas moments of all time.
Directing
Spike Lee for BlacKkKlansman
Pawel Pawlikowski for Cold War
Yorgos Lanthimos for The Favourite
Alfonso Cuarón for Roma
Adam McKay for Vice
This is Spike Lee’s year – not just because he’s had a great career and deserves a little golden statuette, but because he appeared in a series of Capitol One commercials with Kermit the Frog, and dressed as a Snuffleupagus (which is worthy of an Oscar in itself).
Best Documentary
Free Solo
Hale County This Morning, This Evening
Minding the Gap
Of Fathers and Sons
RBG
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the subject of the documentary RBG, hasn’t worked with the Muppets yet. But her fellow Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor made a few appearances on Sesame Street! Close enough!
Best Picture
Black Panther
BlacKkKlansman
Bohemian Rhapsody
The Favourite
Green Book
Roma
A Star Is Born
Vice
So what’s it going to be? Who’s taking home the big prize? Could it be the movie about animal-themed superheroes (like the Muppets, who are humanoid animals)? Or the musical about a rock band (who are, sadly, not the Electric Mayhem)? Or the film about fighting the Ku Klux Klan (ummm… I guess Piggy punched a Nazi once)? The winner has got to be A Star Is Born, which might as well serve as an origin story for Miss Piggy.
Host
No one
Usually we use this space to talk a little bit about the Academy Awards host and all the work they’ve done with the Muppets. But this year there’s no host! So… has nobody ever worked with the Muppets? There’s been a lot of somebodies, but I’m not sure about nobody. With hundreds of celebrity appearances throughout the years across dozens of TV series, films, and other encounters, it’s hard to find anyone who’s anyone that hasn’t worked alongside a Muppet at some point. Therefore, this Oscar ceremony is going to bomb. Next year, they should let Frank Oz host just to even things out.
Be sure to tune in to the Academy Awards this Sunday! (Though I can’t imagine why you would, now that you know all the winners…)
Thanks to Matt Wilkie for the golden Oscar graphic! Click here to wear a snuffle nose on the ToughPigs forum!
by Joe Hennes – Joe@ToughPigs.com
