Instant Karma! It’s so rare that I get the chance to make a mistake and then get evidence that it was a mistake within a day. Not that I don’t make mistakes. I do — lots of them, horrible ones. It’s just that they don’t usually have that kind of turn-around time.
The mistake I’m talking about was that yesterday I posted some information on the news page about the Fraggle Rock DVD Petition. I knew it was a dumb thing to do at the time, but I went ahead and did it anyway. There’s no excuse for it. I was young, I was foolish. The problem was that Karen Prell told me to do it, and — as we all know by now — Karen Prell is the meanest woman alive. I should never, never have trusted her. I have no one to blame but myself.
The petition, you see, is to encourage the Jim Henson Company to release Fraggle Rock episodes on DVD, because otherwise it might not occur to them to do that. Even now — knowing how deeply wrong it was for me to post the link to that petition — I can still see how I thought it was maybe an okay idea. I personally love Fraggle Rock to pieces. It’s one of my very favorite Henson things ever. And it really would be great to be able to buy them on DVD. So I allowed my heart to rule my head, and I posted the link to the petition.
Then, bang! Instant Karma hits like a cross-town bus. Within twenty-four hours, I get two more e-mails with links to Manifestos From the Muppet-Fan Consumer Revolution.
One is for a Muppet Widescreen Petition, demanding that The Muppet Christmas Carol and Muppet Treasure Island be released on DVD in widescreen. (By the way, FYI: I don’t even LIKE The Muppet Christmas Carol. My preferred format for a Muppet Christmas Carol release would be, well, to skip it entirely and just watch Emmet Otter again.)
Then — even less connected to Reality As We Know It — there’s the Classic Sesame Street Episodes on DVD Petition. This petition is asking for… wait, here, I’m gonna quote it directly. It’s the only way to do it justice. Check this out.
“We the undersign wish for a DVD collection of what you belive our the best Sesame Street episodes. Dating from the shows begging in 1969 to the early 1990’s. We belive that there is a great number of nostalgic parents who want to show their children what Sesame Street was like when they were children. We also believe that these DVD’s are essential in preserving the work of Jim Henson, Frank Oz, Joe Raposo and all those who helped make the early years of Sesame Street possible.”
[ sic ] on all of that, obviously, for lapses of spelling, grammar and common sense.
I’m not going to bother deconstructing that whole paragraph, because it only makes me depressed. Suffice it to say that if anyone actually believes that “there is a great number of nostalgic parents who want to show their children what Sesame Street was like,” then I hereby invite you to name three.
The really scary thing about the Classic Sesame Street Episodes on DVD Petition is that already sixty one people have signed it. And not just signed it! No no. They’ve also taken a moment of their valuable time to insult the current producers!
“If Jim Henson could see what you new producers have done to HIS show,” says Andy, “he’d fire all of you!” That’s signature #2, just to start things off on a positive note. Signature #11 follows a similar argument: “What’s happened to Sesame Street today is a tragedy,” John writes. “I agree Henson would be appalled.”
Can I make fun of one more person? I know, I’m being as mean as Karen Prell. But here. This is Ann. “I feel that the classic episodes of sesame street should be put on DVD to show children of today what sesame street was like when we were growing up. I feel that the newer ones that they have out now are totally commerical and is only used to sell products.” Still Ann. “I feel that elmo has taken over sesame street all together and that kids of today will never have the chance to see what sesame street was like when we were growing up.”
Okay, I mean, does it need to be said that when you’re writing a petition to ask the producers of Sesame Street to do something, that maybe you could possibly not directly insult the very people you’re planning to send the petition to? Maybe not tell them straight out that they should be fired? Call me a crazy dreamer. I just think maybe that’s not precisely the ideal tone.
But that’s not the point. The point is — and I’m going to put this in a really big font to emphasize it, because it’s really very important:
Consumer Petitions are a really, really silly idea.
There. I’ve said it.
I mean. Come on. It’s just not the way the world works. The people at the Jim Henson Company are already aware that there’s a small group of vocal fans who would like to see Fraggle Rock and The Muppet Show and all the Wilkins Coffee commercials released uncut on DVD. They met us at Muppetfest. They know we’re here. The problem is — and I’m going to put this in a really big font too:
The problem is that they don’t sell enough copies.
I mean, I don’t want to get “totally commerical” on you. But does anyone remember 1993? That was the Golden Age of Muppet CD’s. That’s when BMG Kidz put out nine Muppet CD’s in a year — not just Muppet Hits and The Muppet Movie soundtrack, but a Fraggle Rock album too. That same year, Buena Vista Home Video put out a whole bunch of Muppet videos, including five tapes of Fraggle Rock episodes. And y’know what? They didn’t sell. They sat on the shelves. The Great Fraggle Rush of 1993 very much failed to materialize. I know, I was there. I bought them, and the hundred or so Muppet fans that I knew personally bought them. Nobody else bought them. BMG Kidz dropped the license, Buena Vista dropped the license, and except for the movie soundtracks, we haven’t seen a Muppet CD since.
About a month ago, I had a conversation on this very subject with a woman who works at Henson. I had just finished my anthology of old Jim Henson commercials, and I told her that I’d gotten a lot of neat responses from fans who really wished they could see the commercials. She said that there’s been some discussion among the folks at Henson about doing a Jim Henson’s Early Years DVD, with all the cool old commercials and variety-show appearances. I said, yeah, the fans would love that.
And she told me, essentially, that it just wouldn’t sell enough copies to be profitable. They know that there are maybe 500 really hardcore Muppet fans who would instantly snap something like that up. But if you’re going to make a commercial DVD set, you have to sell, let’s say, 100,000 of them to turn a profit, or even to justify the work and expense it would take to find, edit and remaster all that old material. So the 500 hardcore fans would each buy two… and then who would buy the other 99,000?
I’m not saying that it’s impossible, that we’ll never see a complete set of Muppet Show episodes, or Fraggle Rock episodes, or even, frog help us, classic Sesame Street episodes. It is possible.
What I’m saying is that an on-line petition won’t make it happen. Writing letters won’t make it happen. And insulting the current producers does nothing but irritate them, and me, and any right-thinking person.
The way to get this stuff made is to… wait, hold on, I’m gonna put this in a big font again.
The way to get this stuff made is to BUY THE STUFF THAT’S AVAILABLE.
You don’t have to buy everything. You certainly don’t have to buy the stuff you think is crap. But in the last year, there’s been a lot of amazing merchandise that’s exactly the kind of thing we need to be supporting — not with our mouse-clicks, but with our actual cash purchases.
For example. The Muppet Show DVD’s from Time-Life are not only complete and uncut, but they even include the extra UK sketches, plus two really funny extras on every DVD. This is exactly the kind of thing that fans want. Ditto on the Jim Henson’s Designs and Doodles book. It’s funny, it’s informative, it’s beautiful, it’s well designed, and it’s just so gosh darn perfect that if you haven’t bought one yet, then there’s a big treat in store for you. And while you’ve got your credit card out, how about splurging on the Exclusive Miss Piggy Action Figure? Just look at her. You know you want to.
I don’t make money on any of these links, by the way. I don’t have any kickback deals with Amazon or Time-Life. That’s not what this is about, me making money. This is about the Jim Henson Company making money, for producing really, really excellent collector’s-item products that are specifically designed to make the Muppet fans happy.
Just put your money where your passion is. If you don’t — if the action figures and busts and Muppet Show DVD’s sit in the warehouse and rot — then there aren’t enough signatures in the world that would make it worth their while to make any more.
So go ahead and sign the petitions if you want to. Knock yourselves out. But if you want to support cool collector’s item Muppet products, then I hope you also click on one of the above links — or anything, really, on the Muppet Merchandise page — and buy yourself a Muppet present.
You have my personal guarantee that if you buy a Muppet Show DVD, the Designs and Doodles book, or the Miss Piggy action figure, then you’ll not only have the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve supported the Muppets, but you’ll also — guaranteed — get at least three big smiles out of it. And if I can’t smile, then I don’t want to be part of this revolution.
