Hard to Swallow
Episode 14 — Jan 24, 2003
“Twice Shy”
Hard to SwallowThe drawback to my particular writing style is that it makes it hard for new readers to tell whether I’m being serious or not. I know that’s true, because half of the e-mails I get start like this: “Dear Danny. I really like your website. When I first read it, I thought you must be dangerously insane, but then I read something else and I realized you were just being funny.” Apparently I make an unsettling first impression. Then they usually go on to ask if I can send them a Pepe doll or write their English paper or something.
The reason I’m bringing it up now is this: It has been brought to my attention that my Farscape reviews are confusing. Now, I could easily argue that the Farscape episodes themselves are confusing, so how clear could I possibly be. But that isn’t the main issue, according to this recent e-mail: “Dear Danny. I really like your website. But I have a problem with your Farscape reviews. Why do you bother writing about a TV show that you obviously don’t enjoy? I don’t know if you think you’re being funny, or what, but if you hate Farscape that much, then maybe you should write about a good show, like Enterprise or Smallville. Anyway, it’s just a suggestion. PS. I am working on a trivia contest and need to find out which character dressed up as the Thanksgiving centerpiece on Bear in the Big Blue House.”
So I feel like I need to clear this matter up, once and for all: I do like the show. It’s just the individual episodes that I don’t like.
If that’s still confusing, then there’s one surefire way to know when I don’t like a particular Farscape episode, and that’s when I start a paragraph with the phrase “So, get this.”
So, get this: In this week’s episode, the Farscape gang adopts a slave girl who turns out to be half teenager, half yellow mist and half huge scaly spider. I know, that’s three halves, which just shows you how many problems she’s got.
Apparently, her species gets through the day by pretending to be an innocent slave girl rape victim — like you do — and then putting out some kind of pheremone that enhances your most irritating qualities. Then, when you’re ripe, she stings you, and then — again, get this — and then she harvests your “neural energy”, stealing your “strongest trait” and storing it an “energy orb” in her nest.
Jesus H Christ. And they say my writing is confusing. This episode is like a neuroscience class at the Gilligan’s Island School of Technology. I kept expecting the monster to hook everyone up to a big machine that uses super-conductive mercury to switch their personalities. I don’t get it; last week, there was a whole cool arc thing going on about Earth, and wormholes, and Crichton’s dad and everything, and this week, they’re fighting a monster that makes them lose their capacity to love. Is it me?
Everyone’s running around and shouting at nothing; Scorpius is screeching and projectile-vomiting. (Turns out, Scorpius is like eighty-five percent water. Who knew?) Then they spend minutes and minutes chasing after the spider, only to find that it wasn’t where they thought it was after all. The thing that’s supposed to keep me interested in all this is that Aeryn has a horrible, pustulent infection slowly spreading across her face through the whole episode.
So at the moment, my personal “strongest trait” is that I’m bored out of my mind. I can only wish that a big alien arachnid would come along and take that away from me. Hel-LO? Strongest trait over here! It’s plump and juicy and really very strong, come and get it! No? Damn, there’s never a neural-energy sucking arachnid around when you need one.
Anyway, big surprise, they find the nest and get the energy orbs, and then they kill the monster through the astonishingly original strategy of sneaking up behind it and then shooting it in the mouth with a big gun.
Then — again not with the big surprise — we find out that science-fiction illnesses are just like soap-opera illnesses, in that it doesn’t matter how scabby and pustulent and horrible you get. As soon as you find the magic cure, you’re back to being a hot-looking babe with perfect skin and PVC pants.
“Storing your strongest trait in an energy orb.” Come on, Farscape; you’ve only got 8 more episodes to wrap this whole show up. Don’t make me come over there.
by Danny Horn
