Editor’s note from the future – Many of the links mentioned in these articles are dead. Follow them at your own risk. Or invent a time machine. Either way is cool with us.
Fans.com
Tuesday, June 18
Fans.comYesterday, I had a few words about Henson.com. Some feelings were hurt, voices were raised, maybe one or two things were said in the heat of the moment. But ultimately, it was a civil, adult affair — and, luckily for me, it was also distinctly one-sided. Henson, like all good media companies, leaves the criticism to the critics and never enters the fray. So I could have really gone to town on them, and I still wouldn’t be in much danger of getting a rebuttal from the offices of Jim Henson Interactive.
But today, I’m breaking all the rules. I’m not just biting the hand that feeds me, I’m biting everybody else who’s here for a feed. Today, it’s open season on Muppet fan sites, and I expect to cop some heat. All the standard disclaimers apply: The opinions of this piece don’t necessarily reflect the management; I reserve the right to make broad, sweeping generalizations with no basis in fact; and the square of the hypotenuse equals the sum of the square of the other two sides. Ready?
Here’s how I see it: Right now there are four major players in the Big Muppet Fan Site stakes, give or take. They are: Bill Sherman’s site, the rec.arts.Henson+Muppets newsgroup, the news and discussion site Muppet Central, and the quirky, flamboyant, eccentric and cranky Tough Pigs. (There are, of course, many others, but if I keep mentioning everything I’m leaving out, today’s column will be entirely parenthetical.)
Bill Sherman’s Muppet site is a giant, hulking mass of archeological web space — it hasn’t been updated in years, but it contains the sum total of all world Muppet knowledge up until about 1997. It’s the Dead Sea Scrolls for Muppet fans. It’d take at least a month of really concerted pointing-and-clicking to actually get through it all. Go check it out. I’ll see you back here in July.
The newsgroup, rec.arts.Henson+Muppets, is like the Muppet Jedi Council, sitting slightly apart from the general fan community, giving answers to all who seek them and otherwise largely speaking to each other in hushed tones. The answers they give to those who seek them are, almost invariably, “Statler” and “Waldorf.” Got a question? Make a pilgrimage and ask nicely. (Hint: Waldorf’s the one with the mustache.)
Phil Chapman’s Muppet Central was my first introduction to real, hardcore fandom. Until I discovered the site and its discussion board, I was content to be a normal guy who wrote TV comedy, was a bit keen on Muppets and probably had a few too many Gonzo dolls on his bookcase. Then I stumbled across MC, and there, I realized were People Like Me. Soon, I discovered vast archives of news articles, press releases, interviews, reviews and lists — so many lists — of merchandise and collectibles. And a discussion board, where People Like Me could talk about Muppets just as much as we darn well wanted to. It was great fun. For a while.
So here, because you’ve all been waiting, are the things that bug me about Muppet Central. Either Phil is talking down to us, or it’s actually intended for eight year olds, because the editorial style, such as it is, is banal beyond belief. Which I guess is kind of okay, because the content, such as it is, is generally brief and functional, so maybe I just get bored by trite sentences and bad syntax. The site is overly focused on corporate news, which again might be forgiveable since there’s so little else going on, but I mean, gee, that’s a lot of finance for a site about dolls. The Muppet Central discussion board, in its original format, was unwieldy and sprawling and often sub-literate — a list to which, thanks to its current format, you can now add “impossible to navigate.”
But the real problem is: Muppet Central has no Soul, no Personality. It’s merely the sum of its parts, which are all flawed, in just the regular kinds of ways. Those flaws might be bearable if the parts added up to one identifiable Whole. Then you could say, “That’s okay, I still love it, because it’s Good Ol’ Muppet Central.” But there is no “Good Ol’ Muppet Central” — it’s like the difference between the world’s biggest hard drive and the world’s biggest library. The hard drive might be handy and comprehensive, but I’d rather hang out in the library, with a bit of dust in the atmosphere, and even a few spiders.
Let’s assume the library is Tough Pigs. There’s a librarian — a cranky, formidable librarian with a heart of gold, a couple assistant librarians who don’t seem to do much other than help to keep the desk tidy, plus — and here’s the important part — the non-fiction section is confined to one small shelf in an unmarked room, while the fiction department is sprawled out over three floors, and all the books are funny.
Things that bug me about Tough Pigs: The web is full to bursting with dull, pointless, soul-destroying pages called “This Is My Website” that are all about the person who’s made it, because those people all assume that some vague, unnamed Audience will be interested in whatever happens to interest them. Tough Pigs is Danny’s version of “This Is My Website.” It’s all about him. (Even my parts.) It’s entirely egocentric — a vanity project. And we’re a part of that. We’re only here to validate his unconventional lifestyle. Just because this particular “This Is My Website” happens to be entertaining, doesn’t make it right.
A fish smells from the head. If Danny’s like the coolest kid in school — bear with me while I gracefully switch metaphors — then the Tough Pigs discussion board is like his Scooby Gang. Not much happens without his lead. If he’s away from school one day, everybody else goes to play with different friends. It’s nobody’s fault, that’s just what happens with a strong personality.
And, finally — Danny’s not just cranky. He’s cranky and proud of it. He will never be happy. He openly had a love affair with Play With Me Sesame, and then, with no provocation at all, compared it unfavorably to Joanie Loves Chachi. There’s just no pleasing this SOB. He is a relentless crank machine, and when he’s finally dead, I am convinced he’ll somehow find a way to come back and complain about Jack and the Beanstalk one more time. We might like him, but the Muppets, frankly, were safer without him.
I’m out of space (or, as we say in web jargon, “bytes”). But basically, this is why we don’t need Henson.com, and Henson.com doesn’t need us. Between these fan sites and a bunch of other, smaller, more specific pages I’ll be talking about later in the week, we’ve got the fan situation covered. Henson just has to look into maybe someday making some more Muppet stuff for us to talk about, and everyone’ll be happy. Except Danny.
by Kynan Barker
