My Week with Muppet Music – Friday

What’s in here? Oh, look, an album!
Friday, July 19

So how should they do it, this Muppet Comeback CD thing? For my money, it ought to be with clever, character-based parodies… but so far, that’s been more Sesame territory.

The Muppets are more of a cover band, really. They do Muppet versions of music-hall tunes, or Christmas carols, or the Beach Boys back catalog — but it’s almost always old songs. The only time they really do original songs is in the movies, unless it’s the Muppets From Space soundtrack, which is all covers, including a cover version of a song from their first movie. So, cover band it is.

The rules of cover bands are, essentially: Pack the audience with your friends, buy them a couple rounds of drinks, and try not to suck. A bad cover band tries to sound just like the original song, but doesn’t quite make it, so it’s kind of like listening to a jukebox playing in the other room. A good cover band tries to make their version different than the original — and the best cover bands have a cool gimmick, like they only play reggae versions of 70’s commercial jingles, or they only play “Luka,” or they play Grateful Dead songs between alternating bong hits.

The Muppets already have a gimmick — they’re Muppets — so they’re already one step ahead of the game. The question is, then, are their versions of songs any better than the original songs?

Which brings us to Kermit Unpigged — the last album from the 1993-94 Jim Henson Records label. The big finale. The label-killer. The album that sold so few copies that Henson actually sued BMG Kidz for not selling enough copies.

Unpigged is the Muppets getting hip. It boasts a semi-hip pun title, a bunch of semi-hip celebrities, and a few hip tunes. But the hip tunes are padded out with a few not-so-hip tunes, and a semi-hip celebrity in the hand isn’t quite worth two in the bush. In today’s market, it’d cost you around five Don Henleys to get even a used Penelope Cruz. (And even then, you might need to throw in Joe Walsh, as well.)

Unpigged sends the Muppets running around, lost in a recording studio inhabited solely by Lily Tomlin and a bunch of Muppet-loving celebrities with backing tracks cued up. Some of it is cute, but for the most part, it’s, well, incredibly corny. And not in the good way.

Sample Kermit dialogue:

“Hmm, I wonder who’s in here?… Linda Ronstadt!”

“Gee, I wonder where the guys are. Better check in here… Don Henley!”

Only Piggy fares well in the stilted-celebrity-interaction stakes, bumping into Ozzy Osbourne, back when he was still a scary rocker guy, and not just a harmless MTV character. “Ozzy Osbourne?” she cries. “Boy, did I open the wrong door.” Ozzy, never one to be put off by outright hostility, shouts, “Stick around, we’re gonna ROOOOOOCK!” Piggy’s deadpan response: “Ozzy… chill.” Truer words have never been spoken. Ozzy’s rendition of “Born To Be Wild” is actually surprisingly good, but he’s really just there as a foil to Piggy, who punctuates his big finish with remarks like “Stop spitting!” and “Get off the floor.”

Gonzo and Rizzo’s interaction with Jimmy Buffett is also much more natural, except at the end of “Mr. Spaceman,” when Jimmy gets into a flying saucer and goes back into space. I don’t know, it’s a gray area, I guess — it’s hard for a certified Muppet fan to roll his eyes and say “that’s dumb,” cause it’s all dumb, and most of it’s meant to be. But on this occasion, I think it really is dumb. Although Gonzo’s throwaway at the end, “see you in the tabloids” did raise a smile.

Vince Gill’s duet of “Daydream” with Kermit is good, but unmemorable — I’m no huge country fan, but Vince Gill has one hell of a voice when he chooses to use it. He’s mostly coasting here, but there’s some nice harmonies, and Kermit has rarely sounded better — his bop-bop-boppa-ba-dooping is reminiscient of the opening to The Muppets Take Manhattan, and that’s a good thing.

“On Broadway,” by George Benson, Clifford and a few rats, is worth sitting through to hear George do some cool scatting, and Linda Ronstadt erases all memory of bad dialogue with a to-die-for rendition of “All I Have To Do Is Dream.”

Don Henley’s “Bein’ Green” is an amazing arrangement, and it should sound terrific, but Don draws the vocals out so long, affecting a jazz style that doesn’t become him. At its best moments, this version teeters towards the heights reached easily by Ray Charles’ magnificent version, but frustratingly, never quite gets there. It would be even better if it were on, say, a Don Henley album. A solo Don Henley covering the cover band, with Kermit right there in the room, just seems sort of disrespectful, not to mention dull. The crowd is getting drunker and angrier. Play Free Bird!

Getting back on track, Kermit, Floyd and Animal do a cute and funny version of “Wild Thing,” just to prove that the Muppets have still got it. Floyd, of course, is more than welcome, in one of his only speaking appearances in the last decade. Kermit’s break into his goofy ukelele version in the middle, and Animal’s reaction, is my only real laugh listening to this record. I was going to quote Animal to prove how funny it is, but I realized that it’d just be a bunch of words in capitals.

But considering this album has “Wild Thing,” “Born to Be Wild,” and a Fine Young Cannibals number, then the choice of “All Together Now” as the big finish can only be described as odd. I mean, the Muppets always could appeal to everyone, so why not end on a toe-tappin’ cutie-pie friendship song… but this definitely falls on the “corny” side of the line.

The crowd is restless. It’s closing time, and if they’re not playing “Stairway to Heaven” now, then it’s just not gonna happen. But considering that it’s eight years and counting till their next gig, I hope they come up with a more high-energy show next time. Maybe more of the Muppets, less of the intrusive guest stars, and a little more noise. We’ve been standing out here in the mosh pit for eight years, and we’re not getting any prettier.

Here we are now. Entertain us.

by Kynan Barker