Monday Tuesday Wednesday Friday
You want scary? I’ll show ya scary. All week on the Tough Pigs message board, I’ve been arguing about Elmo. I’ve represented the well-established body of evidence that holds that Elmo’s World is da bomb. Others have represented the well-meaning but deeply flawed view that Elmo is idiotic and annoying.
And then I have to go and watch Elmo Says Boo, Sony Wonder’s idiotic and annoying direct-to-video Halloween special from 1997. And all of a sudden I kind of get what the other folks have been trying to say.
The video opens with Elmo arriving at the Count’s spooky castle, shivering and looking up at the thunderclouds despite the fact that the set is so brightly lit that it might as well be high noon on a sunny spring day. Elmo’s come over to tell the Count some funny, spooky jokes, not that he knows any. He knocks on the door. Knock, knock. Who’s there, says the Count? Bat, says Elmo. Bat who, says the Count? Bat-ter open the door, Mr. Count, says Elmo.
The muffled thud you just heard was that joke landing squarely on the carpet. There’s more of those. A lot more.
Elmo enters the castle, which is full of cobwebs and ironwork and assorted bric-a-brac. The Count tells a joke: What is a ghost’s favorite dessert? Boo-berry pie. Oh, my sides. A skeleton hanging around by the wall laughs and shakes its arms around. Elmo acts scared of the skeleton, so he must be worried that the huge fishing wires attached to the skeleton’s arms might knock something over as they flail around. This skeleton effect is possibly the single least competent thing I’ve ever seen on a commercially available video. They linger on it for quite a while.
Then we see Rosita with a little girl. “Tan-tan!” Rosita chirps. The little girl is confused: “What?” Rosita apologizes: “I’m speaking in Spanish. Tan-tan is the Spanish for knock-knock. Let me start ALLLL over again.” Rosita is adorable, spontaneous and full of beautiful energy. But then this is the joke she tells: Knock-knock! Who’s there? Boo. And I think you can take it from there. The little girl forces out a polite laugh, but to tell the truth, she just looks bored. It’s tragic. There are a bunch of these little scenes with Muppets telling jokes to kids. Most of the kids look tired and irritated, like they’re waiting for a bus.
Sand-witch. Acro-bat. Whipped screams. Peek-a-booooo. And the laughs just keep on coming.
Elmo, you know I got your back. You’re my guy. But you’re letting the team down, my man. No more of these. Boo indeed.
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Friday
by Danny Horn
