With the news about a Muppets version of Clue coming our way, I find it’s not so difficult to imagine all the possibilities that go along with it. The Muppet Theater in place of the mansion, rubber chickens and Lipton Tea as the weapons, Fozzie Bear as Colonel Mustard and Camilla the Chicken as Mrs. Peacock, and other assorted obscure references and so on and so forth.
Several of our followers on social media made the observation that raised an important point about one element of Clue that might not translate to the world of the Muppets quite as naturally. In a world where someone has been killed, can we imagine one of the Muppets as an actual murderer?
As morbid as it sounds, I’ve been spending a lot of time over the past few days wondering if the Muppets could be capable of murder. Could you imagine little Robin hiding in the shadows and wielding a knife? Or Scooter slipping some untraceable poison into your drink?
But then there’s folks like Sweetums, who may be cuddly, but he sure looks like he might have a murderous streak in him. Or Lew Zealand, who must’ve learned the deadly art of the boomerang for some nefarious reason.
With the help of some of the ToughPigs staff, I took a jaunt through Muppet history to see if I could find examples of the Muppets actually committing or attempting murder. You know, for board game science!
The first and most obvious example is that of the Muppet eating another Muppet. Does this count as murder, seeing as the Muppets are being consumed for their nutrients? When a lion eats a gazelle, is that considered murder?? But the Muppet monsters in particular – though hungry they may be – seem to be interested in devouring other creatures for the malevolent fun of it all. This may very well count as Muppet murder.
Going back much further, we find that one of the earliest Muppets is best known for being a murderous psychopath. Of course, I’m talking about Wilkins, who doesn’t even provide an Anton Chigurh-esque coin flip before offing Wontkins in dozens of different ways. He shoots Wontkins with a cannon, pushes him out of a hot air balloon, blows him up with dynamite, shocks him in the electric chair, and even shoots him point-blank with a revolver. It’s probably a good thing that Wilkins won’t appear in the Muppets Clue game, or else it’d be too obvious who the killer is in each game.
And what about attempted murder amongst the Muppets!? There are plenty of characters who’ve tried, but (as far as we know) have never succeeded in taking a life. Constantine, for example, who keeps a suitcase full of explosives and at one time blew up a prison. Or Junior Gorg, who would’ve flattened so many Fraggles if only he had better aim.
The Swedish Chef, by design, seems to have tried many times to kill other Muppets. From chickens and lobsters to cows and moose, it seems that he’d cook up anything with a face. Even little Robin found himself at the wrong end of the Swedish Chef’s butcher knife once. Naturally, everyone’s favorite example is in A Muppet Family Christmas when he comes close to cooking and serving Big Bird to the rest of the Muppet gang. What a monster. Lock him up.
Okay, so how about Muppets killing humans? Were you aware that Bobo the Bear is an actual killer!? The Muppets Tonight episode referred to as “The Cameo Show” begins with Arsenio Hall ready to appear as the guest star, but then Bobo gives him a fatal dose of “Bear-Quil,” which immediately sends him into spasms and kills him. Now, it’s very possible that the armorer in charge of the props is to blame and not the bear who pulled the trigger. But I can’t imagine this actually happening in real life to a famous movie star like Bobo the Baldwin… er, Bear.
Of course, the smoking gun (gun pun intended) is the Liza Minnelli episode of The Muppet Show. That’s the one where someone is committing a string of murders, and private eye Kermit the Frog is on the case to uncover the culprit. At the end (spoilers for a 45-year-old episode of television), it’s revealed that Statler and Waldorf are on a killing spree, but more importantly, until the reveal the murderer could’ve been anyone. Yes, enough Muppet culprits for an entire game of Clue.
So there you have it. Proof that the Muppets are capable of cold-blooded murder. Great for Muppets Clue, but terrible for my personal sense of comfort. I mean, what if Link Hogthrob is… RIGHT! BEHIND! ME!?!?
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by Joe Hennes – Joe@ToughPigs.com
