I’ve been thinking of Sam the Eagle, as any upright American will do, and concluding that this bird, though rarely heeded by others, had a point. There definitely wasn’t enough wholesome culture mixed in with the zaniness of the Muppets. So I am here to apply a bit of a correction by providing to you some poetry, the pinnacle of cultural achievement. And by reading these, you will no doubt find yourself approaching the right mood for today’s holiday.
Everyone knows that there is nothing more romantic than composing poems declaring undying love for the object of one’s affection. And so this Valentine’s Day I am doing just that for my one true darling: Muppet Eyebrows.
Many people overlook just how significant these features are on a Muppet, but I am here to rectify this oversight. Eyebrows, or lack thereof, give instant personality to a face. Just look at the Moopets. You add eyebrows to Rowlf and suddenly he looks vaguely threatening. Or the bevy of pigs scattered across all of the Muppet Universe. Sesame Street pigs look far more like their real life inspiration, but don’t think Link Hogthrob got to be a big star without some hairy help.
Please enjoy the selections I have prepared and let me know which one I should send to the Muppet Workshop in order to convince them to let me open that most alluring of drawers.
The Muppet Eyebrow
so much depends
upon
a Muppet
eyebrow
arched in feigned
allure
but none on the
chickens
(Reference: The Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams)
Unibrow Eye
Unibrow Unibrow Unibrow Eye,
I swoon for Bert, when Bert looks awry.
Find me a Muppet with a hairy brow line.
Unibrow Unibrow Unibrow Eye.
Unibrow Unibrow Unibrow Eye
The Newsman’s squint matches his necktie.
Find me a Muppet with a hairy brow line.
Unibrow Unibrow Unibrow Eye.
Unibrow Unibrow Unibrow Eye
Sam’s forehead lights up like the Fourth of July.
Find me a Muppet with a hairy brow line.
Unibrow Unibrow Unibrow Eye.
(Reference: Cottleston Pie by A. A. Milne)
Where You Least Expect Them
They put them on bears and a frog.
You’ll see them on Sprocket the dog.
On carrots and otters
And crocs in the water,
Muppet eyebrows leave me agog.
Downy Souls: a haiku
Are eyes the window
to the soul? Swedish Chef and
Slim Wilson say no.
How Do I Love Them? Let’s count the ways!
How do I love them? Let me count the ways.
I love them to the length and peak and height
your counting can reach in the dead of night
or when you strike lightning during the days.
I love to watch as they lower and raise
luring me closer towards your vicious bite.
Before you transform and take off in flight,
I’m powerless against your hirsute gaze.
I love them with the passion of years spent
counting up and up with every breath.
Pronounced in your most distinguished accent,
now your “ah ah ah” is a shibboleth.
With a steep climb and then a sharp descent,
your eyebrows, Count, live on after undeath.
(Reference: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways by Elizabeth Barrett Browning)
When You Are a Pig
They can be old and grey, like fluffy sheep,
they can be bushy and blonde and slicked down,
others are sculpted, arched and painted brown
But those piggy eyes are shadowed and deep.
Many years I’ve loved the absolute grace
with which your eyebrows have performed on stage.
Their beauty lasts beyond weather and age, sorrows and joy on an unchanging face.
Howard Tubman, Dr. Strangepork, and Link,
Denise, Captain Blueboar, Snorty, and Spa’am,
Prove their characters are more than just ham,
they are eyebrows set against the soft pink.
(Reference: When You Are Old by William Butler Yeats)
Now, don’t you feel more cultured? Join me next time, as I write an epic to eyelashes.
Click here to raise an eyebrow on the Tough Pigs Discord!
by Katilyn Miller
