The Jim Henson Hour
Science Fiction, Part 4:
The Miss Galaxy Pageant
Cast: Jim Henson (Kermit), Dave Goelz (Digit), Kevin Clash (Leon), Jerry Nelson (Jo Beth), Dan Redican (Zsa Zsa), Chris Langham (Marty the Earthling).
| Digit
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Whoa-oa! This beauty contest from outer space is fantastic!
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| [ Leon rushes in: ZIP! ]
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| Leon
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Beauty contest? What, what are they doing? What part?
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| Digit
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The swimsuit competition!
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| Leon
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[ gasp! ] Digit, my friend, there must — I say, there must be a way for all of us to see this!
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| Digit
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Well, as a matter of fact —
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| Leon
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Yeah, yeah, yeah!
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| Digit
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There might be…
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| Leon
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Oh, good good good!
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| [ Digit unplugs a lead from his ear, and plugs it into a machine. ]
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|
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[ We see the Miss Galaxy pageant, hosted by Marty the Earthling. A crowd of aliens cheers. ]
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| Marty
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… You join us at a very thrilling point in the Miss Galaxy pageant — the judges are about to announce our winner. They’ll be awarding points for beauty, intelligence, and genetic originality. While we’re waiting, let’s talk with two of our lovely finalists — Jo Beth Garfdehoo, Miss Crab Nebula…
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| [ Jo Beth enters, a hideous alien monster. She burps, and steam comes out of her ears. ]
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| Marty
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… and Zsa Zsa Porkmustard, from the planet Koozebane!
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| [ Zsa Zsa enters, a fuzzy piece of foam. ]
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| Marty
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Jo Beth… hi, Jo Beth.
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| Jo Beth
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Hi.
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| Marty
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Are you nervous?
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| Jo Beth
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A little.
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| Marty
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Well, you shouldn’t be, because you’re LOVELY, you’re LOVELY!
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| Jo Beth
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Thank you.
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| Marty
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What is your favorite thing about being a beauty queen?
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| Jo Beth
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Well… uh… that’s a hard question.
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| Marty
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You mean, there are so many favorite things.
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| Jo Beth
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No, I mean, that’s a hard question. Could you ask me an easier one?
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| Marty
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Um… how about, what are your goals in life?
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| Jo Beth
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I want to work with underprivileged children.
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| Marty
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Uh huh.
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| Jo Beth
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And then eat them.
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| [ Jo Beth burps. Disturbed, Marty turns to Zsa Zsa. ]
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| Marty
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Now, Zsa Zsa.
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| Zsa Zsa
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[ high-pitched squeals ]
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| Marty
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For the talent spot, many of our contestants like to sing a song.
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| Zsa Zsa
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[ squeal ]?
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| Marty
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You chose instead to excrete ammonia while setting fire to your nose.
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| Zsa Zsa
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[ squeal squeal squeal ]
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| Marty
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Oh — I’m sorry to interrupt, hold that thought. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for… the new Miss Galaxy is about to be crowned… so it’s over to the judges!
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[ Jo Beth is swallowing the last of the judges. ]
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| Jo Beth
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Too late. [ burp ] I’ve already eaten them.
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| [ The audience boos and hisses. ]
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| Marty
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And so, here at the Hotel Swank in Ursa Major, this is Marty the Earthling, saying, I may be tasteless, but at the moment, that’s all that’s keeping me alive.
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| Jo Beth
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Maybe with a little hollandaise…
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| Marty
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Stay away from me!
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| Leon
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Whoa — that was disgusting! Let’s see some more of this stuff.
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| Digit
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All right, but I need more power.
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| Leon
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You got it, Digit! [ He zips off. ]
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| [ On the monitor, lfl makes a paper airplane. He throws it, and it flies out of the monitor and down to the studio floor with a huge CRASH. ]
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| Louie
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Gee. That’s good paper.
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| [ Leon returns with a big cable. ]
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| Leon
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Here ya go, Digit!
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| Digit
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Oh, thank you —
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| Kermit
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Whoa, wait a second! That’s the master input!
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| [ Digit plugs the cable into his chest. ]
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| Kermit
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That cable contains every video feed on the planet!
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| [ Digit’s chest explodes in a shower of sparks. Kermit cringes. ]
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| Leon
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Whoa!
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| Digit
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[ shaking ] Lucy, I’m home! And here’s bachelor number two. One of these days, Alice — Pow! Right in the kisser! Dr Welby, will he be all right? Nanu nanu!
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| [ Digit faints. ]
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| Louie
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Bad news, Kermit. He’s got the reruns.
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| Kermit
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Uh… cut to commercial!
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| [ Digit’s hand pops up, and presses the commercial button. ]
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