They’ve been going around sticking Muppets on things again without consulting me. I go into 7-11 today, and what do I see in the refrigerator section but an Elmo toy where no Elmo toy has ever been before. It’s a big chunky plastic Elmo sitting on top of a teensy little bottle of — get this — “Sesame Street Water.” I kid you not. It’s made by a company called Bottled Water Images, manufacturers of — I swear I’m not making this up — “Fun Water.” For real. Capitalized like that. Fun Water.
I got this picture from the extremely helpful and informative BWI website. The photo’s a bit misleading, taken from an odd angle to disguise the fact that that’s a “kid-sized” helping of Fun Water there — only 9.5 ounces, which is approximately enough to make an average-sized kid slightly moist. The toy is about two-thirds the size of the bottle. This is very clearly more Fun than it is Water.
By the way, one thing that makes the Bottled Water Images website so great is that there’s a whole page called “why water?” — which helpfully explains why water “is so essential for health and vitality.” Did you know that water helps us to digest food? That it protects and cushions vital organs? That it carries essential nutrients throughout the body? In fact, as they point out, the human body can only survive a week without water. Now, I can’t say I disagree with any of that, per se, but if water is so great, why do they have to put an Elmo toy on top of it in order to sell me 9.5 ounces of it? You’d think that if water was really all that great, people would be lining up to buy it by the bucketful.
And by the way, what about this sentence, also on the BWI website — “The main reason to stay so well hydrated is that our bodies are mostly water (60% to 70%).” Now, that just doesn’t add up for me at all. If my body is so full of water, just sloshing around in there protecting and cushioning my vital organs, then why do I need to add more? In fact, if staying well hydrated is so gosh-darn important, then why do I always need to go to the bathroom right in the middle of a meeting?
In fact, the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. Water. Who needs it. Screw water. If you want to sell me an Elmo toy, do it the honest, up-front way. Stick it in a box of breakfast cereal.
by Danny Horn
ny Da
