Chapter 8
Host of Christmas Past
in which Ploobis throws a Christmas party (away)
(December 20, 1975 — host Candice Bergen)
| [ The Gorch castle set is decorated with moldy old Christmas decorations. King Ploobis is wearing a white collar and black bowtie — and no other clothes — and he’s holding a full wineglass. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Is that a mirage of beauty before me, or is it Sophia Loren? No, it’s Peuta. |
| [ Queen Peuta enters, also dressed in her shabby finery. ] | |
| Peuta
|
Oh, thank you, darling, but isn’t everything beautiful! |
| Ploobis
|
Mmmm. |
| Peuta
|
Oh, this party will be written up in People Magazine! |
| Ploobis
|
Well, it should be. We invited the whole show. |
| Peuta
|
Yes, that’s true. Do you think we’ll have enough food? |
| Ploobis
|
Well, let’s see. |
| [ Ploobis takes a silver cover off a tray, to reveal a brown furry piece of food with eyes and a mouth. ] | |
| Food
|
Hi, hi… Oh, sure, there’s lots of me. I’m food! Eat me, taste me, bite me, I love it! |
| Ploobis
|
Well, since the dinner has been unfortuitously delayed, I might as well here. |
| [ Ploobis tears off a bit of the food with his mouth. ] | |
| Food
|
Good, eat me, eat me! I am what you eat! Juicy back here, spicy down here! I am a banquet! |
| Ploobis
|
Delicious, delicious! |
| Food
|
Yes, I hope the guests hurry. If I’m not fresh, I’m out of business! |
| [ The doorbell rings. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Mmm, I do believe I hear the first guests arriving. |
| Peuta
|
Oh! |
| Ploobis
|
And whoever it is, I can’t wait to get ’em under the mistletoe… Oh. Uhhg. |
| [ It’s Scred, also in collar and bowtie, waiting under the mistletoe. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Evening, Scred. |
| Scred
|
Uh, yeah. Nice to see you, Ploobis. |
| Ploobis
|
Yes, you’re looking wonderful tonight. |
| Scred
|
And I’m under the mistletoe… |
| Ploobis
|
Uhhh. You’re not looking that wonderful, Scred. Tell me, Scred — where is everybody tonight? |
| Scred
|
Oh, they’re all over at the Bees’ Christmas party! |
| Ploobis
|
The Bees’ Christmas party! They’re having a big Bee bash? |
| Scred
|
Yeah. |
| Ploobis
|
Oh. I wonder why they didn’t invite us. |
| Scred
|
Well, that might be my fault. You see, last week I overheard one of the Bees comment that you look like a factory outlet for green washcloths. |
| Ploobis
|
The nerve! |
| Scred
|
Yeah. So I told ’em, I said, “Aaah, you eat your young!” Heh heh heh. |
| Ploobis
|
You’ve got a nimble tongue, Scred. |
| Scred
|
Yeah. But then he said, I’d rather shave my legs than go to your party! So I guess that’s when he made up his mind to have his own party. |
| Ploobis
|
Well, it won’t be nearly as much fun as ours. |
| Scred
|
Yeah. And it’ll sure teach him to mind his own beeswax, anyway. |
| [ The doorbell rings. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Oh! Who’s this… |
| [ Vazh and Wisss enter, chuckling. ] | |
| Wisss
|
Good party, wasn’t it? |
| Vazh
|
Hello, hello. The funniest thing just happened over at the Bees’… Somebody started playing Flight of the Bumblebee, and they all started flying around the room, with lampshades on their heads! Ha ha! Wasn’t that a riot. |
| Wisss
|
Oh, wow. It was too much. |
| Ploobis
|
Hmmm. |
| Wisss | Well, uh… this party certainly is the pits… |
| Vazh
|
Hmmm. |
| Wisss
|
Hey, let’s get back to the Bees’! |
| Vazh
|
Yeah, anyway, they’re about to show The Sting. |
| Wisss
|
Right. Um, catch ya later… c’mon, honey! |
| Vazh
|
See ya! Bye. |
| [ Vazh and Wisss exit. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Yeah. |
| [ Scred sighs. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Well. |
| Peuta
|
Well. I just remembered a great party I could probably get into if I go stag… Besides, I’ve never seen The Sting. |
| [ Peuta exits. ] | |
| Scred
|
Have fun. |
| Ploobis
|
Well, Scred, it looks like it’s just you and me. |
| Scred
|
Well… Merry Christmas, boss. |
| [ Then Candice Bergen arrives, wearing a Merry Christmas T-shirt. ] | |
| Candice
|
Hi, everybody! |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, Candy! |
| Candice
|
How are you? Am I too late for the party? |
| Scred
|
Oh, not at all! Why, since you got here, the fun’s just begun! |
| Candice
|
Oh. Well, where is everybody? |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, well, uh, they, uh… |
| Scred
|
Yeah, well, they’re socializing with insects. |
| Candice
|
Oh, at the Bees’. Well, I was just there, it’s a terrific party. |
| Scred
|
Hmmm. |
| Ploobis
|
Great. |
| Candice
|
Oh, well, I think this is wonderful. I mean, I love intimate parties… of three. |
| Scred
|
Awww… |
| Candice
|
C’mon, guys![ sings: ]
Have yourself a merry little Christmas Let your heart be light |
| C, P & S
|
Next year all your troublesWill be out of sight…
Have yourself a merry little Christmas If the fates allow Hang a shining star Upon the highest bough |
| S & C
|
And have yourself…A merry little Christmas… now… |
| [ Candice and Scred finish the song, looking deep into each other’s eyes. Scred snuggles up to Candice. ] | |
| Scred
|
Ohhh, Candice… What are you doing later? |
| Candice
|
Why? |
| Scred
|
Let’s ditch this guy and go to the Bees’ party. |
| [ Scred nuzzles Candice. Ploobis looks put out. ] |
illustration by Chris Smigliano
Gorch Fact
This is the first sketch that alludes to the problems between the Muppets and the rest of the SNL cast… It’s just suggested here, but stay tuned. It gets a lot worse from here on out.
The Food is played by Frank Oz. In case you needed to know that.
One fun thing about the Gorch sketches is that a bunch of the human actors who interact with the Muppets on Saturday Night Live later appeared with them on The Muppet Show or in Muppet specials. Lily Tomlin has worked with the Muppets many times since 1975, in The Muppets Go To The Movies, Kermit Unpigged and Sesame Street Stays Up Late. Gilda Radner and Raquel Welch, who pop up later on, were Muppet Show guest stars — and so was Candice Bergen, who appears in this sketch.
You can kind of tell from these sketches who liked the Muppets and who didn’t. Both Lily and Gilda clearly adore the Muppets — they take every opportunity they get to kiss and squeeze Scred — and Raquel has a good time with them… but Candice seems vaguely uncomfortable with them here. The sketch is built around the idea that Candice would rather be somewhere else than the Gorch Christmas party, but Candice really honestly does look like she’d rather be somewhere else. Then again, she kind of looks like that when she’s on The Muppet Show, too.
by Danny Horn
