Chapter 5. Ploobis Has A Migraine
in which Ploobis has a migraine
(November 15, 1975 — host Robert Klein)
| [ King Ploobis clutches his throbbing head. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Ohhh… ahhh! |
| [ Scred enters. ] | |
| Scred
|
How’s the migraine, your crotchetiness? |
| Ploobis
|
It’s no better than the last time you asked, Scred! [ POW! ] |
| Scred
|
[ nose squashed in ] Hmm… well, you haven’t lose your sense of humor, I see. |
| Ploobis
|
Ooorrgg… Why can’t somebody get rid of this headache, Scred? |
| Scred
|
Oh, but sire, everyone has assembled, your irritance, each with his own cure for your royal headache! |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, well, just get on with it. |
| Scred
|
Your lovely wife Peuta believes she can soothe your throbbing head with a song. |
| [ Queen Peuta enters. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Good grief. You’re going to sing? |
| Peuta
|
Yes. Are you ready, dear? |
| Ploobis
|
No. Just a minute here. [ He pulls a dirty rag out of a crater, and holds it to his head. ] |
| Peuta
|
MAESTRO! S’il vous plait. |
| [ A pianist plays, and Peuta shrieks an operatic aria. Ploobis growls and stuffs the rag into Peuta’s mouth. Furious, she runs off sputtering. Scred enters. ] | |
| Scred
|
Wonderful, wonderful. Moving right along… |
| Ploobis
|
What’s next? |
| Scred
|
To ease your monarchly migraine, here’s the lovely, the charming, the sensational, the delightful — our own dancing sensation, the lovely Vazh! |
| [ Vazh enters. ] | |
| Vazh
|
Oh, Ploobis… |
| Ploobis
|
What? |
| Vazh
|
I have been working on a little dance that I hope will make your headache go away. And I hope you will feel better real soon. |
| Ploobis
|
[ sighs ] Okay… |
| Vazh
|
Hit it, boys! |
| [ Belly dancing music starts, and Vazh gyrates suggestively, sticking her stuff in Ploobis’ face. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, wait, wait, hold it, hold it! Cut, cut! |
| [ The music stops. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Not tonight, Vazh… I’ve got a headache. |
| Vazh
|
Oh, shucks. |
| Ploobis
|
Okay. Scred? |
| Vazh
|
Well, if that’s the way you feel about it… Hmmph! |
| [ Vazh flounces off. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Why can’t anyone come up with a cure? I’ve got morons on my team! |
| Scred
|
Well, look what I just found — it’s a do it yourself acupuncture book, and it has the needles and everything! |
| Ploobis
|
Rrrrrgggg… I’ll try anything, Scred. |
| Scred
|
Okay, let’s see. I have to find migraine… uh… Milady’s Malaise, Marquesas Malady — here it is, migraine! Ohhh! It says here that migraine headaches are extremely painful! |
| Ploobis
|
I know! I know! [ POW! ] |
| Scred
|
Huh. Let’s see. Okay. Take a needle — right there, right there — take any needle at all… |
| Ploobis
|
Huh. Take a needle? |
| [ Ploobis picks up a long, sharp needle. ] | |
| Scred
|
Yeah. Now, let’s see. The first needle should be placed in the upper snout… |
| [ Ploobis looks warily at the needle. ] | |
| Scred
|
Yes, thrust it into the nose with a firm, steady pressure. |
| Ploobis
|
… You do what? |
| Scred
|
Yes. Look, says right here. Thrust it — |
| S & P
|
[ together: ] — into the nose with a firm, steady pressure. |
| Ploobis
|
Well, if it says so in the book, I guess… um… |
| [ Ploobis shoves the needle into his snout. He stiffens with pain. ] | |
| Scred
|
Ohhhh! How does that feel? It looks great! |
| Ploobis
|
It hurts like hell! |
| Scred
|
Uh… moving right along. Second needle, take the second needle, sire… |
| Ploobis
|
Take the what? |
| Scred
|
Second needle… second needle goes… let’s see, it’s placed in the lower lip, just above the dermal carapace. That looks like in the picture, yeah. |
| Ploobis
|
Right there? |
| Scred
|
Mmmm hmmm. |
| [ Ploobis sticks the second needle into his lip. He shudders and screams. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
RRRRAAAAHHHRRGGG! |
| Scred
|
Oh. Ah. Let’s see. Moving right along. |
| Ploobis
|
Scred… Scred… |
| Scred
|
Okay, okay. The third needle — place the third needle… uh… in the upper lip. Let’s see, uh, I guess that must be somewhere above the lower lip… |
| [ Ploobis thrusts the third needle into his upper lip, and screams again. He’s stiff with agony. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
RRRRHHHHRRRRRGGGG! |
| Scred
|
Okay! Moving right along. Here is the fourth and last needle. Okay. The fourth and last needle should be placed at the base of the brain. |
| Ploobis
|
HHRRNNNHH? |
| Scred
|
… If you can find it. |
| Ploobis
|
HHHRRNNN! |
| Scred
|
No, no, no, I just mean, sometimes when you’re working by yourself, it’s difficult to see. Yeah. Let’s see. |
| [ Ploobis positions the fourth needle at his temple. ] | |
| Scred
|
Yeah, that looks like in the book. Okay. Now, the fourth — that’s good. The fourth and final needle should be placed with extreme caution, using a smooth, easy, flowing movement — like THIS! |
| [ Scred WHACKS Ploobis’ hand, and the needle shoots into Ploobis’ brain. Ploobis writhes in agony. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
RRRRNNNNNRRRHHHH… |
| Scred
|
How does that feel? |
| [ Groaning, Ploobis grabs Scred by the neck and starts to throttle him. ] | |
| Scred
|
… you feel we should seek somebody else’s advice? |
| Ploobis
|
RRRRHHHHHH! |
| Scred
|
Maybe your wife Peuta’s advice. |
| Ploobis
|
NNNNNNRRRRHHH! |
| Scred
|
No no no! Uh… maybe Vazh’s advice! |
| Ploobis
|
NNNNNNNNNNRRRRHHHH! |
| Scred
|
Uhhhh… the great god Favog! |
| [ Ploobis lets go. ] | |
| Scred
|
Oh, thank god. |
| Ploobis
|
RRRRHHH! RRRRRHHHHH! |
| Scred
|
I’ll guide ya. Okay, this way, this way… [ Scred leads Ploobis by the elbow. ] Look out for the big crater there… okay. Don’t step in the gray stuff… |
| [ GONNNNGGG! ] | |
| Favog
|
DIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. |
| Ploobis
|
RRHHHHHNNNHH! |
| [ Ploobis gestures at Scred. ] | |
| Scred
|
Okay, okay. I’ll tell ‘im, boss. The Chief has a problem! |
| Favog
|
UHHHH… NOT TONIGHT. I GOTTA HEADACHE. |
| [ The camera pans back… and reveals a set of needles sticking out of The Mighty Favog. ] |
Gorch Fact
This is the first sketch where Scred takes the lead role. The “story” this week is ostensibly about Ploobis and his migraine, but Scred gets all the funny lines… and by the last half of the sketch, he’s the only one with any lines at all. Jerry Nelson performs Scred with a kind of revolting charm, with lots of little asides and a kind of sweet vulnerability. Pretty soon, Scred’s going to take over the whole deal, and this is the sketch where you start to see why. He may look scary, but he’s a Muppet at heart.
by Danny Horn
