Chapter 3. Crater Head!
in which Ploobis and Scred
say no to crater smoke
(October 25, 1975 — host Rob Reiner)
| [ As the sketch opens, Scred is massaging King Ploobis’ back. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. A little to the left there, Scred. Oh, yeah! Yeah! |
| [ The moment is broken by an explosive entrance from Queen Peuta. ] | |
| Peuta
|
Ploobis! Ploobis! Do you know what your son Wisss is doing? |
| Ploobis
|
What, has he locked himself in the bathroom with a magazine again? |
| Peuta
|
No! Your son Wisss is smoking… craters! |
| Ploobis
|
NO! |
| Peuta
|
Yes! |
| Ploobis
|
Not my son. Why, my son is a… he’s a… |
| Scred
|
A crater head! |
| Ploobis
|
A crater head! No, he is not! [ POW! Ploobis smacks Scred. ] |
| Scred
|
Oh, thank you. |
| Ploobis
|
My son is not a crater head. |
| Peuta
|
Yes, he is! Go look for yourself. |
| Ploobis
|
All right, I will! |
| [ Ploobis exits. Scred takes the opportunity to fondle Peuta’s moogies. ] | |
| Scred
|
Cootchie cootchie coo! |
| Peuta
|
Ooh! Ha ha. Not now, sugar claws… |
| [ Cut to a plain of smoking craters. Wisss, Ploobis’ long-haired hippie son, is sniffing the smoke and blowing it out again through his long furry snout. ] | |
| Wisss
|
On top of Old Smokey… [ blows out ] Aaaaaahhh! |
| [ Ploobis enters. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Hey, didn’t I ever tell you not to smoke that stuff? |
| Wisss
|
Hey, man… wow! Your aura’s really red! |
| Ploobis
|
Oooooh. Your aura’s gonna be black and blue in a minute, fella. |
| Wisss
|
Hey, lighten, up, Jack, lighten up. |
| Ploobis
|
Listen… all the evidence is not in, buster. That stuff there rots your brain. |
| Wisss
|
Oh, yeah? |
| Ploobis
|
Yeah! |
| Wisss
|
Oh, YEAH? |
| Ploobis
|
YEAH! |
| Wisss
|
… Yeah, what? [ Wisss scratches his head. ] |
| Ploobis
|
See that? It rots your brain! Now, what do you need that stuff for? Look at ME! I’m high on life! |
| Wisss
|
Yeah. [ He turns contemptuously and sniffs at the crater. ] |
| [ Scred enters. ] | |
| Scred
|
Sire? |
| Ploobis
|
What. |
| Scred
|
Perhaps it would help if you spoke to your son in his own language. |
| Ploobis
|
Grrruhh. Good thinking, Scred. [ He approaches Wisss. ] Um… hey, listen, uh, uh — dude — uh… Big Daddy-o here wants you to ixnay with the crater smoke. Ya dig? Huh? |
| Wisss
|
Hey, man… don’t down me with those bad vibes, dad. |
| Ploobis
|
Grruh. C’mere, Scred. Listen. I can no longer talk to the lad. I want you to tell him that if he doesn’t stop smoking that stuff… |
| Scred
|
Mm hmm? |
| [ Ploobis grabs Scred’s nose. ] | |
| Scred
|
OW! |
| Ploobis
|
I’m gonna do THIS to him. |
| [ Ploobis twists Scred’s head sideways, snapping some bones with a loud crunch. ] | |
| Scred
|
Oh! Ow! I’m sure he’d hate that. |
| Ploobis
|
Yeah. |
| [ Scred tries to reposition his head as he approaches Wisss. ] | |
| Scred
|
Uh… the boss says that if — |
| Wisss
|
Yeah? Well, you tell him that if he doesn’t split, I am gonna do this to him. Wisssssss…. [ He blows smoke from his nose into Scred’s face. ] |
| Scred
|
Oh! Oh! Oh, wooowwww… the colors! |
| Ploobis
|
Scred? |
| Scred
|
Hmm? |
| [ POW! ] | |
| Scred
|
Oh, and the stars! |
| Ploobis
|
Grrruhhh. Maybe the Mighty Favog has got some good advice for me. |
| Wisss
|
Oh, never, man. Favog’s a cosmic turkey. |
| [ GONNNG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ] | |
| Favog
|
THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TA ME. |
| Scred
|
Yeah, ya got any munchies? Hee hee! |
| Ploobis
|
Will you shut up, Scred. Oh, omni-impotent one, I gotta problem. |
| Favog
|
AWRIGHT. IT’S GONNA COST YA. |
| Ploobis
|
Scred, put in the chickens there. |
| Scred
|
Hanh? |
| Ploobis
|
Put in the chickens! |
| Scred
|
Oh, yeah — hee hee hee! Chickens! Little birdy wirdies. Here ya go. |
| Favog
|
YEAH… [ There’s a splash, and a flushing sound as Favog smacks his lips and burps. ] AWRIGHT. WHAT’S YER PROBLEM? |
| Ploobis
|
My son Wisss… is a crater head. |
| Favog
|
MMMM. WELL, THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND — |
| Ploobis
|
Yeah? |
| Favog
|
IS BLOWIN’ IN THE WIND. [ Favog sniffs the air. ] |
| Ploobis
|
Huh? [ Ploobis sniffs the air. ] |
| Scred
|
I could kill for some chocolate chip cookies! |
| [ Scred dances out as Ploobis and Favog sniff. ] |
Gorch Fact
Richard Hunt is a great Muppet performer, but unfortunately, Wissss is pretty much a one-joke character, and it’s not even that funny of a joke. The character is pretty much dropped, except for a couple brief appearances later on.
Also, the exchange between Peuta and Scred in this sketch is the first hint of an illicit, mutual interest between them. This subplot, such as it is, gets developed later on.
by Danny Horn
