Chapter 13
Don’t Look Down
in which Ploobis and Scred face facts
(April 24, 1976 — host Raquel Welch)
It’s been a month since the Muppets last appeared on Saturday Night Live, and frankly, it’s pretty amazing they’re still sticking around. They’ve already done the “I can stretch as an actor” bit, they’ve already done the “they burned our set and we don’t have a dressing room” bit. What’s left to do? Hit on the guest host, of course…
| [ Backstage… Scred and Ploobis sneak in. ] | |
| Scred
|
C’mon in, chief, the coast is clear. |
| Ploobis
|
Rrruhhr? Yeah. Gee, I wonder why they wouldn’t let us in the studio? |
| Scred
|
Mmm, I dunno. Probably the guard just didn’t recognize us. |
| Ploobis
|
Well, that’s very strange… cause they all know and love us! Everybody loves the Muppets! |
| Scred
|
[ unconvinced ] Mmm hmmm. |
| Ploobis
|
Here, listen, Scred — [ He grabs Scred by the neck and throttles him ] — We’re loveable! Never forget that, Scred! Mmmrrmm. [ He releases Scred. ] |
| Scred
|
Yes, oh affectionate one! |
| Ploobis
|
We’ll just have to find somebody and ask ’em when we come in the show, that’s all. |
| Scred
|
Hey, here’s somebody now. |
| [ Guest host Raquel Welch enters. ] | |
| Raquel
|
Well, hi there! You’re the Muppets, aren’t you? |
| Ploobis
|
Uh, yes, yes! That is indeed us, yes. |
| Raquel
|
Oh, I always thought you people were so loveable. |
| Ploobis
|
Ya hear that, Scred? [ POW! ] That’s true, lady, yeah. We’re known far and wide for being loveable. |
| Scred
|
Hey, chief, that lady is Raquel Welch! |
| [ Ploobis turns and checks her out. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Oh… oh, yeah. Well, uh, ahem. Yeah. You sure are Raquel Welch… all over, aren’t you. Ahmmm. |
| [ Scred strokes her arm. ] | |
| Scred
|
Feels like Raquel Welch, too! |
| Raquel
|
Careful, there. |
| Ploobis
|
Uh. You know, uh. Ahem. You know, we Muppets are very, very loveable. I mean. [ He snuggles up to her. ] |
| Scred
|
[ whispering in her ear ] Relax, baby. Relax. |
| Ploobis
|
You know, as a matter of fact, until you’ve made it with a Muppet, uh… |
| [ Applause. Raquel laughs. ] | |
| Raquel
|
Uh, uh… wait a minute, lover. Are you talking about making love to me? |
| [ Ploobis and Scred giggle. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Well, uh… heh heh… |
| Raquel
|
Because — you guys are just puppets, right? I mean, you don’t even exist below the waist. |
| P & S
|
Uh… well… |
| [ They look down, nervously. ] | |
| Raquel
|
I mean, all you are is the top half of a person, right? |
| Ploobis
|
Well, uh… yeah, but, uh… |
| Raquel
|
So that kind of makes you just a lot of talk. All talk, right? |
| Scred
|
Well, I’m pretty good with my hands! |
| Raquel
|
I’ve noticed. |
| [ Chevy Chase enters. ] | |
| Chevy
|
Uh… I’m sorry, boys. Ploobis, Scred? |
| Scred
|
Yeah? |
| Chevy
|
You’re not on this week, I’m sorry. |
| Ploobis
|
Yeah, but we’re supposed to be… we work this show… |
| Chevy
|
Yeah, I know, but I guess you didn’t get the call. I’m sorry, Raquel — is everything okay? |
| Raquel
|
Oh, yeah, it’s okay. They’re just all talk anyway. |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Hunnh. I’m leaving! |
| [ Ploobis exits. ] | |
| Raquel
|
Awww… |
| Scred
|
Oh, uh… I’m sorry about this, Raquel. And, uh, by the way, I just want to apologize for what I said before, because I can see you get hit on all the time. |
| Raquel
|
Yeah, but never by a Muppet before. |
| Scred
|
Oh, well, if you’d like my number — |
| [ Chevy grabs Scred’s snout. ] | |
| Chevy
|
Scred? Scred? You’re not on this week. Okay? |
| [ He pushes Scred offstage. ] | |
| Chevy
|
I’m very sorry about that. They didn’t know, nobody gave them the call — I think the bees or the sharks are on, or something’s on, but you’re doing very well so far, everybody loves the show, the song was great, and uh, all I can say is, relax, and, uh, take your shirt off. |
| Raquel
|
Well… |
| Chevy
|
Well, Raquel, this is your right as an American. You don’t have to. You don’t have to do that. |
| Raquel
|
All right. I don’t have to, right? |
| Chevy
|
No, you don’t have to. |
| Raquel
|
Cause this is a tasteful show with a lot of class, right?… Now, ladies and gentlemen, I am very pleased to introduce to you a lovely lady, in fact, a genius in the world of contemporary music, Miss Phoebe Snow… |
Later on in the show, Raquel does take her shirt off. Also, the Muppets come back:
| [ Backstage, in a cobwebby corridor. Scred and Ploobis enter. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, Mighty Favog! Are you in here anywhere? |
| [ Just offstage, The Mighty Favog coughs. ] | |
| Favog
|
I’M OVER HEAH! |
| Scred
|
He’s over here, chief. |
| Ploobis
|
I heard his voice… |
| Scred
|
Yeah, yeah. Oh wow! |
| [ They find The Mighty Favog sitting on a crate, abandoned and covered in cobwebs. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Oh! Oh, Mighty Favog! |
| Favog
|
TALK TA ME. |
| Ploobis
|
Listen. Things are in a terrible state? |
| Favog
|
YER TELLIN’ ME? |
| Ploobis
|
Listen. Our land of Gorch is gone forever. |
| Scred
|
Yeah, they burned our scenery. |
| Ploobis
|
They burned our scenery… we’re no longer booked on the show… and they said, they said we’re puppets, and we don’t even have a lower half. So what do we do? |
| Favog
|
DON’T LOOK DOWN. |
| Scred
|
Ohhh… This is terrible! Our world is coming to an end! |
| Favog
|
YA WANT YER GOD’S ADVICE? |
| P & S
|
Oh, please! Please! |
| Favog
|
DON’T BEG… MY ADVICE IS — |
| Ploobis
|
Yeah? |
| Favog
|
FORGET IT. |
| Scred
|
Huh? |
| Ploobis
|
Forget it? What do you mean, forget it? |
| Favog
|
I MEAN FORGET IT. PACK IT IN. QUIT. |
| Scred
|
Oh, no. No, no. |
| Ploobis
|
We can’t do that. |
| Favog
|
SURE YA CAN. LISTEN. YOU’RE ONLY PUPPETS. YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL. YOU JUST GET PUT AWAY IN THE TRUNK. |
| Ploobis
|
Oh! Oh! Scred — I can’t handle this, Scred. |
| Scred
|
Oh, Mighty Favog… where’s the trunk. |
| Favog
|
IT’S RIGHT OVER THERE. |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, no! Not the trunk, anything but the trunk! |
| Favog
|
IT DON’T HURT TO GET IN THE TRUNK. PUPPETS DON’T HAVE FEELINGS. |
| Ploobis
|
Oh… do you believe this is really happening? |
| Favog
|
JUST OPEN IT UP, AND GET RIGHT IN… |
| Ploobis
|
It’s latched… just a sec… |
| [ They try to open a big prop trunk, but they have trouble… ] | |
| Favog
|
YA CAN’T OPEN IT, YOU’RE PUPPETS! |
| Ploobis
|
We’ll get it in a minute! |
| Scred
|
Just rip it open! You’re strong. |
| [ They manage to get the trunk open. ] | |
| Scred
|
Oh, look! Everybody else is already in here! Hiya, Wisss! Haven’t seen you since November. |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, look at that. |
| [ Peuta pops up in the trunk. ] | |
| Peuta
|
Ploobis! Where have you been? |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, it’s been one of those days, Peuta. |
| Scred
|
Everybody shove over, we’re comin’ in… |
| Peuta
|
Oh! Ploobis! You can’t get in here! There’s no room to breathe! |
| Ploobis
|
Peuta… you’re a puppet. You don’t breathe, you’re not alive. |
| Peuta
|
What? |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, I don’t want to talk about it. Just get down here… |
| Scred
|
Oh! Wait a minute, I’m not in yet! |
| Ploobis
|
Get in here, Scred… Oh! There’s Vazh… Hi there, Vazh, how are ya… |
| [ The trunk closes. The Mighty Favog is the only one left. ] | |
| Favog
|
NOW. IF I COULD JUST TALK THE PRODUCER INTO LETTING ME HOST THE SHOW… RAHHHHRRR… |
Gorch Fact
So now they’ve hit on the guest star, the Mighty Favog is telling them to pack it in, and they’ve been put away in a box. You’d probably think that this one would be the last Gorch sketch on Saturday Night Live. But there’s always second chances in show business… and third, and fourth, apparently…
by Danny Horn
