Chapter 10
Ring My Bell
in which Scred and Peuta are satisfied customers
(January 17, 1976 — host Buck Henry)
| [ Scred enters, carrying a big cardboard box marked “SCRED: c/o Gortch” ] | |
| Scred
|
Hee hee hee. Oh boy! It finally arrived! It’s here, Peuta! |
| [ Queen Peuta enters. ] | |
| Peuta
|
What? What are you talking about? |
| Scred
|
Oh, why, the marital aid that I sent away for! |
| Peuta
|
Marital aid? |
| Scred
|
Yes, your kinkiness! |
| Peuta
|
Why, we’re not even married! |
| Scred
|
Oh. Well, then it must be an extra-marital aid. Heh heh heh. Let’s see what we have… |
| [ Scred opens the box and pulls out a weird device — a rusty silver box about the shape of a portable radio, with switches, knobs and a big red lightbulb at the top. ] | |
| Scred
|
Oh, boy! Look at this! |
| Peuta
|
OH! Scred… what is that thing? |
| Scred
|
I don’t know! But isn’t it beautiful? And it’s guaranteed to enhance our enjoyment! Hee hee hee hee! |
| Peuta
|
Ahhh. |
| Scred
|
Oh boy, yeah. This is gonna be fun. |
| Peuta
|
Where did you get that thing? |
| Scred
|
Oh, I got it in an ad from a magazine I was reading… it’s called Bound and Gagged. Hee hee hee. Oh, this is going to be so much fun… Ploobis is away, it’ll just be the three of us. You… me… and The Monster. |
| Peuta
|
Oh, Scred, I’ve never done anything like this before… I’m frightened! |
| Scred
|
Oh, don’t worry… there’s an instruction pamphlet that came with it. |
| Peuta
|
Very well, then, dear. I’ll be right back. I’m going to slip into my Frederick’s of Hollywood! |
| Scred
|
Oooh, la la la! |
| [ Peuta exits. ] | |
| Scred
|
Ah, boy. Whatta gal. She may not be beautiful, but she sure knows how to ring my bell. Let’s see, I gotta find those instructions. Oh, yeah, here they are. Uhh… oh, NO! |
| Peuta
|
[ offscreen: ] What’s the matter? |
| Scred
|
It’s the instructions! I can’t read ’em! They’re in Japanese! |
| [ Peuta enters, wearing a purple-fringed robe. ] | |
| Peuta
|
Urrrgghhh. Aren’t they all. |
| Scred
|
Aw, don’t worry, I think I’ll be able to figure it out. Yeah. I know what to do. Just get ready there. |
| Peuta
|
Oh, I’m so excited! Ha ha! What do you want me to do, Scred? |
| Scred
|
Uh… if you could just put your head down on the top of it there. |
| Peuta
|
Okay… How should I do it? Like this? |
| Scred
|
Yeah, yeah… that looks right. [ Nothing happens. ] Mmm hmm. [ He taps her head. ] Feel anything yet? |
| Peuta
|
No. Can’t say I do. |
| Scred
|
Oh. Well, here. How about this. |
| [ He picks up the device and whacks her across the face with it. ] | |
| Scred
|
Feel anything now? |
| Peuta
|
Urrrghh. Hardly. Oh, here. Maybe you’re doing it wrong. Let me try. |
| Scred
|
Oh no no no no, give me one more chance! |
| [ He holds the device up to Peuta’s moogies. The red light flashes, and a siren blares. Peuta moans. ] | |
| Scred
|
It’s working! It’s… it’s starting to WORK! |
| [ The siren sounds as they fall to the floor, moaning and giggling. Bits of clothes fly up over the boulders. Peuta screams. ] | |
| Peuta
|
Oh! OHHH! SCRED! SCRE-E-E-ED! |
| Scred
|
OH, your MUTUALNESS! Oh! WHOA! |
| Peuta
|
OHHH! |
| Scred
|
Oh! Oh! Oh! Your togetherness! |
| [ The siren fades. Scred and Peuta come up for air. ] | |
| Scred
|
Oh! WOW! That was something else! |
| Peuta
|
Oh. Well… Is that all there is? |
| Scred
|
Some people are never satisfied. |
| [ He dives under her, and they fall to the floor again. ] |
illustration by Chris Smigliano
Gorch Fact
There you are, folks. That’s as bizarre and raw as it gets with the Gorch material. The genesis of this sketch was that Henson and Oz weren’t available to perform on the show this week — they may have been in England by this point, working on The Muppet Show — so they did this sketch just for Jerry Nelson and Alice Tweedy.
Personally, I love this sketch. It’s just nuts. The thing I love most about it, actually, isn’t the explicit live Muppet sex. It’s that quiet little moment Scred has in the middle: “Ah, boy. Whatta gal. She may not be beautiful, but she sure knows how to ring my bell.” There’s something adorable and authentic about him in that moment; all of a sudden, the revolting little creature has this complex emotional moment. Weird as it is, that right moment right there has some kind of Muppet Magic essence — that even in the strangest, wildest sketch, the characters have this little authentic spark of personhood. Scred is just real.
I mean, stop me if I’m overthinking the sex toy sketch. But there’s something cool there, right? Okay, never mind.
by Danny Horn
