Part Six: Action!
| Kermit
|
Places, everyone! Quiet, please! Quiet on the set! Could we please have some quiet, please? |
| Animal
|
[ Animal bangs on his drums. ] QUI-ET! |
| Kermit
|
Sheesh. Thanks, Animal. |
| Animal
|
You’re welcome! |
| Piggy
|
[ still coughing from the makeup ] Ach-hem. I can’t see my mark. My eyes are tearing. |
| Kermit
|
All right, Piggy! This is your big scene. You’re down on your luck. |
| Piggy
|
Oh. |
| Kermit
|
You’re working in a flower shop. |
| Piggy
|
Oh! |
| Kermit
|
And, most important, you are allergic to flowers. |
| Piggy
|
Ah-choo! |
| Kermit
|
Exactly. Okay, everybody ready? Ready on camera? Bean, ready with props? |
| Bean
|
Ready! |
| Kermit
|
Special effects? |
| Gonzo
|
Ready! |
| Kermit
|
Assistant Director? |
| Fozzie
|
Ready! The Days of Swine and Roses — take one! [ He closes the clacker on his nose again. ] |
| Kermit
|
Okay. Now, all you folks out there in the audience are going to be extras in our movie. Whenever Piggy sneezes, I want you all to yell gezundheit! Got it? |
| Piggy
|
Ah-choo! |
| Crowd
|
Gezundheit! |
| Kermit
|
Great! Hit it, Fozzie! [ Fozzie closes the clacker too close to Piggy. ] Okay, ready? On three — everybody yell action, okay? One! Two! Three! |
| Crowd
|
Action! |
| Piggy
|
[ Sad music plays as Piggy begins her scene. ] Oh, woe is me! Moi is really a star, but I am stuck here working in this flower shop. Ah-choo! |
| Crowd
|
Gezundheit! |
| Piggy
|
Thank vous. But, someday, moi is going to make it. Even though…[ Music starts, and Piggy sings “Can’t Help Lovin’ That Man of Mine” : ]
My man is shiftless… |
| Kermit
|
Who, me? |
| Piggy
|
… and good for nothin’ too… |
| Kermit
|
Gee… |
| Piggy | But he’s my man just the same.He’s never round here, when there’s work to do |
| Kermit
|
What? Oh! Cut! |
| F & J
|
He’s never round here, when there’s work to do… |
| Kermit
|
Guys! Uh. Cue the effects! |
| Piggy
|
Fish gotta swim…[ Bean hands a huge dead fish to Piggy, who grumbles and throws it away… ]
Birds gotta fly… [ Fozzie comes up behind Piggy and throws a bucket of rubber chickens over her head. Piggy screams. ] |
| Fozzie
|
Yes! |
| Kermit
|
Rubber chickens? |
| Fozzie
|
THANK you! |
| Piggy
|
I’ve gotta love one man till I die… |
| [ Gonzo aims at Piggy, and shoots her with a ping-pong ball gun. She turns and growls at him. ] | |
| Kermit
|
Gonzo… |
| Gonzo
|
Great effect, huh? |
| Piggy
|
Can’t HELP — lovin’ that man… of… MINE! |
| [ As Piggy hits her high note, Fozzie moves her back a step, into position in front of the flower-shop window. When Piggy’s in position, the wall around the window crashes down, just missing Piggy. She looks around, stunned. ] | |
| Kermit
|
Cut! Sensational! Gee, that was terrific, Fozzie, Gonzo, Bean! Miss Piggy… uh, Piggy, are you okay? |
| Piggy
|
… hubba hawwa habba… |
| Kermit
|
Oh, good. Now, before we shoot the big finale, let’s take ten while our stagehands get things ready! Uh, Piggy — don’t you want to meet your fans? |
| Piggy
|
Fans? Did someone say fans? Moi just loves signing autographs! Hello, everyone! Kissy kissy! Yes! With you in just a moment! |
| Janice
|
Hey, like, Kermit! The band needs to do a little rehearsing! |
| Kermit
|
Good idea, Janice! While we take a break, you play some music! |
| Janice
|
Fer sure! |
Then the show takes a break as Kermit and Piggy sign autographs for the adoring multitudes. While they’re greeting the crowd, the Electric Mayhem keeps everyone entertained with a spirited selection of tunes. Dr. Teeth sings “Great Balls of Fire,” Floyd is “On the Road Again,” and Zoot does a sax solo in “Yakety Sax.” Then Animal insists on doing a song — he bangs around on his drums and shouts, “FEELINGS! FEELINGS! Whoa – whoa – whoa! FEELINGS! DRUMS! YES!” Finally, Janice brings us home with “Obladi Oblada.” They get the crowd to clap along, and by the time the song is done, all the rest of the Muppets are back on stage, and ready for the closing number…
by Danny Horn
