Part Four : Unhappy New Year
Miss Piggy on
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
December 31, 1996
| Jay
|
Folks, right now, we gotta check with our old buddy and Tonight Show correspondent Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy is standing by live at the Marriott Marquis Hotel at Times Square in New York City. Miss Piggy, are you there? |
| [ Miss Piggy is standing outside on the top of a building above Times Square. She’s dressed in a low-cut sequined evening gown and a fur wrap. She’s shivering. ] | |
| Jay
|
There you are. There’s Miss Piggy. Isn’t she beautiful! Miss Piggy, what is the temperature? |
| Piggy
|
The temperature? With the wind chill factor, it’s sixty-eight degrees below zero! Oh, by the way, Jay? |
| Jay
|
Yes? |
| Piggy
|
I have a wonderful Fun Fact for you. About one million people are expected in Times Square tonight. Eighty-five percent of them are coming from outside New York. Fifteen percent of them are New Yorkers. And one hundred percent of them are total wackos! |
| Jay
|
That’s good to know. Now, how are you doing there, exactly? Where are you? |
| Piggy
|
Where am I? |
| Jay
|
Yeah. |
| Piggy
|
I’m on top of a building in the middle of the night, Jay, how do you think I am? I’m freezing my bajongas off! |
| Jay
|
What part of the pig is the bajonga? Well, never mind. |
| Piggy
|
You don’t want to know! |
| Jay
|
Let me ask you this — What does the crowd look like? |
| Piggy
|
It looks dangerous, Jay! Right now, they’re passing Dick Clark around over their heads! |
| Jay
|
Really. |
| Piggy
|
[ Piggy yells down at the crowd: ] Yaaaaaahhh! |
| Jay
|
Miss Piggy… if I could get your attention… what do you usually do on New Year’s Eve? |
| Piggy
|
Well, usually, I have a romantic candlelight dinner for two with Kermie. But this year, my agent Bernie decided I should spend New Year’s Eve on top of a freezing building with three teamsters named Vinnie! |
| Jay
|
Well, you look very lovely… Is that some sort of a designer outfit you’re wearing? |
| Piggy
|
Yeah, yeah. It’s from the winter collection of Nanook of the North! [ shivers ] Rrrrrrrr! I’m freezing my butt off! |
| Jay
|
Why don’t you try to get warm… We’ll check back with you a little later in the program. Bye! |
| Jay
|
Folks, we are just moments away from the ball falling, and it’s filled with molten lead this year… This is gonna be unbelievable. Let’s check in with Miss Piggy, who’s in Times Square. There is she again. You look lovely. Doesn’t she look lovely? Miss Piggy, let me ask you — How are the New Yorkers? Are they forward? Any signs of unpleasant behavior? |
| Piggy
|
You mean, aside from your crew? No, I love New York. New Yorkers are the most charming, sophisticated, wonderfully behaved… [ screams down at roaring crowd: ] Hey, would you knock it off down there? I’m working up here! Uh, sorry… Oh, look! Look, look! |
| Jay
|
What is it? |
| Piggy
|
11:58! It’s gonna — the ball’s gonna go down! The ball’s gonna go down! Aaaah! |
| Jay
|
Miss Piggy… Miss Piggy… |
| Piggy
|
Aaaaah! Aaaaah! |
| Jay
|
Have you ever been this excited before? |
| Piggy
|
No! No! The ball’s gonna drop! It’s gonna drop! Where is it? Where’s the ball? |
| Jay
|
Let me ask you… Normally, at midnight, who would you be kissing? What would you be doing? |
| Piggy
|
Who cares? The ball’s gonna drop! The ball’s gonna drop! |
| Jay
|
You still have enough time… Would you be with Kermit normally now? |
| Piggy
|
Of course I would! The ball’s gonna drop! The ball’s gonna drop! Where is it? |
| Jay
|
There it is, right there… There’s the ball… 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Zero! Happy New Year! |
| [ The ball drops. Miss Piggy dances on the rooftop as 1997 begins. ] |
Next in the Anthology:
One more New Year’s treat…
Miss Piggy dumps Matt Lauer
on New Year’s Day, 1998!
by Danny Horn
