Part Three : The Muffed Christmas Carol
Kermit the Frog on
Live with Regis and Kelly
December 24, 2001
| Regis
|
Believe it or not, it’s been twenty-five years since the great Muppet Show hit the airwaves… |
| Kelly
|
I don’t believe it. |
| Regis
|
And we’ve been enjoying them ever since. And here to talk about their big anniversary is the star of the show, Kermit the Frog! |
| Kermit
|
Thank you! Thank you very much! Hi, Kelly! |
| Kelly
|
Kermit, I feel like I’ve waited most of my life to meet you. |
| Kermit
|
Well, thank you. I guess I’ve waited my life to meet you too, as it turns out. |
| Regis
|
Twenty-five years… Now how can that be, when Miss Piggy says she’s still twenty-three? |
| Kermit
|
Yeah, it’s an odd thing. I don’t quite understand it… I guess there’s a difference in pig years or something. I don’t know. |
| Regis
|
How are you going to celebrate the holidays? |
| Kermit
|
Well, it’s an interesting thing. On Christmas Eve, I get together with the Muppets. We exchange gifts. Usually gloves, which is kind of redundant for Muppets. Then my whole family will get together tomorrow. I’ve got about seven thousand brothers and sisters, so… It takes us the whole week just to hang up our coats. |
| Kelly
|
What are you planning on buying Miss Piggy? |
| Kermit
|
Well, you know… What do you get a pig who wants everything? I’m not gonna make the mistake I made last year, though. Last year, she accidentally got the honey-baked ham I bought for someone else. It was not pretty. I was the glazed one. |
| Regis
|
No… Now what about yourself, Kermit? What would you like for Christmas? |
| Kermit
|
I have a very simple lifestyle — but one thing I’d really like to have is a bug zapper. |
| Regis
|
A bug zapper! |
| Kermit
|
Yeah. It’s kind of the amphibian version of a microwave. |
| Regis
|
Fry it right there! Good for you. |
| Kermit
|
Yeah. Just stand underneath, y’know? |
| Regis
|
Hey, Kermit… I wanted to ask you about this Rose Parade. |
| Kermit
|
Oh, yes. Yes. |
| Regis
|
I’m the Grand Marshal this year, and as I look over the list, I see some famous, famous… all the way from Dwight Eisenhower to Bob Hope — to Kermit the Frog. |
| Kermit
|
That’s true. I did it a few years back. Great fun. |
| Regis
|
Now, what are your duties? You’re in the car… and you wave to everybody? |
| Kermit
|
Right… It’s the waving that gets you. It’s a little-known fact that an awful lot of Grand Marshals go on to get carpal tunnel syndrome. |
| Kelly
|
I did not know that. |
| Kermit
|
It’s absolutely true. It’s good to work up to it. There are several types of waves… Let me show you. |
| Regis
|
Give me a little lesson. |
| Kermit
|
Here’s the royal wave. [ waves his palm ] |
| Regis
|
The royal wave goes like this… |
| Kermit
|
And, by the way, with all these waves, it’s a good thing to keep nodding your head, so people know you’re alive — that you’re not animatronic. There’s the Granny from Beverly Hillbillies wave, which is a bit like this… [ waves his arm wildly ] |
| Kelly
|
That’s great! You’re very good at that. |
| Kermit
|
Now, there’s the Vatican City wave, which is kind of the back of the hand… [ waves ] And, of course, there’s my favorite, which is the oh gosh, I can’t move my arm anymore wave, which is a bit like… [ holds his arm out, rigid ] |
| Regis
|
Just hold your arm out there. But you had a good time, right? |
| Kermit
|
I had a wonderful time. But let me give you one little pointer. |
| Regis
|
Yeah? |
| Kermit
|
Go to the bathroom before you get in the car. It’s a long ride. |
| Regis
|
How long a ride is it? |
| Kermit
|
It’s somewhere between two and a half and three hours, so — Don’t drink the coffee. They offer you all kinds of stuff, but don’t do it. |
| Regis
|
So you’re in an open convertible? |
| Kermit
|
That’s right. |
| Regis
|
And it’s cold early in the morning. |
| Kermit
|
Well, especially for a frog. Y’know, us frogs, we tend to go dormant when it’s cold. We sorta go like — [ rigid ] — doong! |
| Regis
|
But I’ll bet they loved you, right? |
| Kermit
|
Oh, it was wonderful. Every time you round a new corner, you’ve got a whole new set of people cheering for you. It’s really, really neat. |
| Regis
|
Yeah. I’ll bet. That’s some parade. Well, I’m looking forward to it. |
| Kermit
|
Have fun with it. |
| Regis
|
Well, what else, Kermit? Looking forward to the new year? |
| Kermit
|
I am looking forward to the new year. As we said earlier, it’s the 25th anniversary of The Muppet Show. Although it’ll be hard for you to believe this — I have been in show business for nearly 47 years. |
| Regis
|
You’re kidding me! |
| Kelly
|
I can’t believe that. Oh. |
| Regis
|
Forty-seven years! |
| Kermit
|
It’s true. Well, I started just after I dropped my tail. Right after tadpolehood. |
| Kelly
|
Kermit, I just want to ask you this — Are you ever going to make an honest pig out of Miss Piggy? |
| Kermit
|
An honest pig out of Miss Piggy? |
| Kelly
|
Yeah! |
| Kermit
|
Boy, that should be a jump there, somewhere. |
| Kelly
|
Will you walk down the aisle with her? |
| Kermit
|
Will I walk down the aisle? You mean, the proverbial aisle? |
| Kelly
|
The aisle, yes. |
| Kermit
|
I — I don’t think so. Y’know, we have a wonderful working relationship. Let’s just keep it that way. |
| Regis
|
I think you’re doing the right thing, Kermit. Believe me. |
| Kermit
|
Yeah. Kelly — have you ever actually dated a pig? |
| Kelly
|
Um… no… |
| Kermit
|
Yeah. Then you don’t quite know how I feel. It can be tough. |
| Regis
|
Hey, Kermit, you wanna sing a little song with us? |
| Kermit
|
Oh, I’d love to! It’s Christmas and all. |
| Regis
|
[ to Kelly ] Would you like to join us? |
| Kelly
|
You know, I think I’ll let you take it away, because I don’t believe in torturing the audience more than once, and I have to save my voice. |
| Kermit
|
Well, Kelly — they are listening to a frog sing, after all. |
| Regis
|
But you’re going to come back and sing with us later on. |
| Kelly
|
Yes… I’m going to sit here and watch. |
| Regis
|
All right. What do you want to sing? |
| Kermit
|
How about we sing a classic, Sleigh Ride? |
| Regis
|
Sleigh Ride! That’s good. |
| Kermit
|
And besides that, it’s the one we rehearsed. |
| Regis
|
Yeah. Okay. |
| Kermit
|
Okay! Hit it.[ sings ]
Just hear those sleigh bells ringling, Ring ting tingling too. Come on, it’s lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you. |
| Regis
|
Outside, the snow is fallingAnd friends are calling Yoo Hoo. |
| Kermit
|
Yoo Hoo! |
| Regis
|
Come on, it’s lovely weatherFor a sleigh ride together with you. |
| Kermit
|
I’ll do this part.Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, let’s go
Let’s look at the show We’re riding in a wonderland of snow. |
| Regis
|
Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, it’s grandJust holding your hand |
| Kermit
|
We’re riding — uh, that’s a hard line right there. Why don’t you take that one?[ The music continues and no one sings ]
Sorry. I wonder if we could do that again. Sorry, Regis. |
| Regis
|
Tell you what, let’s start with “our cheeks are nice and rosy.” |
| Kermit
|
[ sings ]… And comfy cosy are we
We’re snuggled up together Like two birds of a feather would be |
| Regis
|
Let’s take that road before usAnd sing a chorus or two |
| Kermit
|
Now we’re back on track! |
| Regis
|
Come on, it’s lovely weatherFor a sleigh ride together with you. |
| Kermit
|
Okay…There’s a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy |
| Regis
|
When we pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie |
| Kermit
|
That’s right! |
| Regis
|
It’ll really be like a picture printBy Currier and Ives |
| Kermit
|
These wonderful things are the thingsWe’ll remember all through our lives
Just hear those sleigh bells ringling, Ring ting tingling too |
| Both
|
Come on, it’s lovely weatherFor a sleigh ride together with you.
Outside, the snow is falling And friends are calling Yoo Hoo Come on, it’s lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you. |
| Kermit
|
With you! |
| Regis
|
With you! |
| Kermit
|
You too! |
| Regis
|
And you! Kermit the Frog, everybody! |
| Kermit
|
Thank you! Thank you. |
| Regis
|
Twenty-five years in show business — in The Muppet Show! |
| Kermit
|
Thank you! |
| Regis
|
Martina McBride coming up next… We’ll be right back! |
Next in the Anthology:
Miss Piggy rings in the New Year
by standing on top of a building
in the freezing cold!
by Danny Horn
