It Feels Like Christmas, Part Two

Published: December 22, 2001

Part Two : Fifty Bucks and a Meal Voucher
Johnny Fiama and Sal on Larry King Live
December 24, 1996 (continued)

Sal	And now — the one, the only, Johnny Fiama! And the other, the only, and the bigger one, the only — Mr. Larry King! Give it up! Give it up! Let’s hear that applause!
Larry	Yay…
Sal	What is that — no applause.
Larry	Well, there’s no studio audience here. It’s great to be with you, Johnny…
Sal	You have no audience here?
Larry	No!
Sal	What a rinky-dink operation.
Johnny	Sal… Sal…
Sal	What, what?
Johnny	[ sigh ] Hi, Larry!
Larry	Hi, Johnny! [ to Sal ] It’s his show.
Sal	Yeah, I know…
Larry	Hi, Johnny! Good to be with you!
Johnny	Nice of you to be here. Thank you very much.
Larry	It’s good to be here on the Johnny Fiama Christmas Show. I’m honored. And I’m honored to have you on mine as well.
Johnny	Well, thank you. We’re very honored to have you. Listen, uh… Let me just get right to it, shall I?
Larry	Sure!
Johnny	What’s with those suspenders?
Larry	What do you mean, what’s with them? I like them.
Johnny	You just like to wear them all the time, kind of thing?
Larry	Well, I started wearing them in 1988, when I had heart surgery.
Johnny	Oh!
Larry	And I started to feel good, and look better, so I started wearing them. And they became like a habit.
Johnny	Well, they look great.
Sal	What do they do?
Larry	They hold my pants up!
Sal	Oh, is that what they do!
Larry	But they also look nice, and they match off ties nice.
Sal	Y’know what? They do match off the ties nice.
Larry	Yeah, you know… A little brown…
Sal	Y’know what? That looks really sharp there. Yeah. That’s good. Yeah.
Johnny	Anyway, Sal…
Sal	I gotta see where I can get some of them.
Larry	Sal. It’s his show.
Sal	I’m sorry, Johnny. It’s your show.
Johnny	Thank you…
Sal	I’m gonna fix my hair.
Johnny	Thank you, Sal. Listen, another question — I was just curious, have you ever heard any of my albums, Larry?
Larry	… No.
Johnny	Not one?
Larry	No. I don’t know why. Because when I came in here today, they said, you know, you’re on the Johnny Fiama Show…
Johnny	Yeah…
Larry	I had to honestly admit that I had not heard of you.
Johnny	Oh, you’ve never seen the show?
Larry	No, I have not seen the show.
Sal	What, you’ve never seen the Johnny Fiama Show?
Larry	I… No.
Sal	Well, Johnny sings all this wonderful music by dead guys.
Larry	You sing dead guys…?
Johnny	He’s saying I like to sing the classics. Berlin, and y’know, Gershwin. Right.
Sal	Gershwin and Berlin and them.
Johnny	Right. But they’re good dead guys.
Larry	Well, I’ve heard so many great things. Tony Bennett told me about you.
Johnny	Oh, he did.
Larry	Frank.
Johnny	No kidding.
Larry	Frank called and said, Hey, go on that guy’s show.
Johnny	Did he say that. It’s funny, he won’t come on. But, I’m curious…
Sal	That’s cause Johnny actually still owes him some money.
Larry	Oh.
Johnny	Sal… basta, huh?
Sal	Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Johnny.
Johnny	So how is it you get all these big people on your show? We can’t…
Larry	Well, we have very good producers. They work very hard.
Johnny	Is that what it is.
Larry	They — do you have a production staff?
Johnny	Well, you’re lookin’ at him, right next to you, there.
Sal	Yeah, that would be me. I kinda — y’know, I run the cameras and everything.
Larry	All of your guests are booked by Sal?
Johnny	Sal books ’em all.
Sal	Well, y’know, I make ’em an offer they can’t refuse, if y’know what I mean.
Johnny	We had Tony Bennett… but then nobody else wants to come, y’know what I mean?
Larry	Oh, I can help you.
Johnny	Oh, you can!
Larry	I’ll tell you what I’ll do, because I like you. And I like you too.
Sal	Oh, well, thank you there, Mister K.
Larry	… I like you.
Sal	Well, thank you.
Larry	I’ll ask every one of my guests to come on your show.
Johnny	C’mon!
Larry	I swear to God.
Johnny	Are you kiddin’ me?
Larry	I’ll ask… President Clinton…
Johnny	C’mon!
Larry	Henry Kissinger…
Johnny	That’s terrific!
Larry	I’ll ask, when they come on. Barbra Streisand… you got her!
Johnny	C’mon! Get outta here!
Larry	Hey, I’ll do it for you, Johnny, because I like you.
Johnny	Awww… Larry, I love ya. I think you’re great.
Sal	Yeah, that’s really special. Y’know what else? We can pay them! We pay them, like, fifty bucks!
Johnny	Yeah, we give them fifty bucks apiece.
Larry	Really? We don’t pay.
Johnny	Oh, you’re kidding.
Sal	You don’t pay at all?
Larry	No.
Johnny	Maybe that’s the problem.
Sal	Aw, you cheapskate!
Larry	Stop that, Sal!
Sal	You’re like a cheapskate!
Larry	It’s a talk show!
Sal	No, we give them fifty bucks and a meal voucher.
Johnny	Yeah.
Larry	A meal voucher?
Sal	Yeah, are you kiddin? A nice one, too.
Larry	You mean, I’m gonna get fifty dollars for this?
Johnny	Right. And a sandwich.
Larry	I am honored. Hey, y’know, guys, I’ve got to go back to my show. Cause I’ve got Michael Feinstein waiting.
Sal	Oh, no no no, Larry, you can’t go, cause Johnny wants you to like sing a song, y’know.
Johnny	Yeah, would you sing a song with me?
Sal	Everybody who comes on Johnny Fiama gotta sing.
Larry	Okay. I’ll do it for my fifty. What do you want to do?
Johnny	How about Deck the Halls?
Larry	Okay, good. I love that.
Sal	All right!
	[ Larry, Johnny and Sal sing a noisy, a capella version of Deck the Halls, with Sal loudly bellowing the fa la las. ]
Johnny	Thank you, Larry!
Larry	Thank you! Thank you, Johnny! Thank you, Sal! I’ll be right back with Larry King Live, with Michael Feinstein, for our Christmas. Say goodbye, Johnny.
Johnny	Goodbye.
Larry	Say goodbye, Sal.
Sal	Goodbye there!
Larry	Love you.
Johnny	Thanks, Larry.
Sal	We love you, Larry.
Larry	We’ll be right back. [ Larry kisses Sal on the head ]
Sal	Mister K.