SCROOOOGE! You will be visited tonight by three Muppet interviews — the Interviews of Christmas Past, the Interviews of Christmas Present, and the Interviews of Christmas Yet to Come.
Well, actually, I don’t have any Interviews of Christmas Yet to Come. So I guess we’re just going to have to settle for one Interview of Christmas Present and then a bunch of things from Christmas Past. Is that all right with you?
Part One : Kind of a Sad Christmas
Johnny Fiama and Sal on Larry King Live
December 24, 1996
| Larry
|
We’re here with two of the great stars of the Muppets — Johnny Fiama, and his bodyguard Sal. They have their own program as well. And then later, Michael Feinstein will be here with his wonderful piano and repertoire of songs. Anyway, we start things off by welcoming a singer, a crooner, a showman, a great host in his own right, one of the kings of Las Vegas — Johnny Fiama! |
| Sal
|
That’s right! Johnny Fiama, right here on Larry King! |
| Larry
|
Hold on, let me introduce him. |
| Sal
|
What, what? Oh, oh, all right. |
| Johnny
|
Sal… Larry’s introducing me. |
| Sal
|
Aw, I’m sorry. I’m sorry there, Mister K. |
| Larry
|
Okay. Johnny, welcome to Larry King Live. |
| Johnny
|
Thank you very much, Larry. What a pleasure to be on your holiday show. |
| Larry
|
It’s my pleasure to have you. Now, Sal, what is your — what is your job? Are you a bodyguard? What do you do? |
| Sal
|
Well, actually, usually I introduce Johnny Fiama. No, no, I’m actually his bodyguard. I keep him clean. I picked out that little holly for him, and yeah, y’know, I take care of him. |
| Larry
|
But you’re a monkey. |
| Sal
|
Well, yeah, I am a monkey. I’m sort of like a simian security guard, y’know? |
| Larry
|
I see. How did you meet him, Johnny? |
| Johnny
|
Oh, well, I’ll tell ya. It’s a long story. My mother was making Thanksgiving dinner, and, well, he happened to be at Kresge’s — I don’t know if you remember, that’s a chain of stores — |
| Larry
|
I remember Kresge’s. |
| Johnny
|
Yeah, and he was having a little ice cream, I said, Ma, there’s a monkey eating ice cream, and she said bring him home. |
| Sal
|
Yeah, that’s right. And y’know what? Then I came home, and I ate the ice cream. And we had spaghetti and stuff. |
| Larry
|
That’s, like, a nothing story. I mean, I thought there would be such a big story, but — you saw him eating ice cream, and the mother brings him home? |
| Johnny
|
Well, life’s a simple thing, isn’t it, Larry. |
| Sal
|
And then we ran a barber shop for a while. |
| Larry
|
Were you a singer first, and then a TV host? |
| Johnny
|
Well, yes. Yes. I’ve always been a singer. It goes back a long time, I’ll tell you. I sang with some of the greats. |
| Larry
|
Like… |
| Johnny
|
Well — don’t let me go into it, but — Nelson Riddle. Okay. Artie Kaiser. |
| Larry
|
Artie Kaiser? |
| Johnny
|
Yes. Kay Kaiser’s brother. |
| Larry
|
Billy May? |
| Johnny
|
Billy May. Yes. |
| Larry
|
You had a career somewhat akin to Sinatra. |
| Johnny
|
Well… Yes. We’re very close friends, Frank and I. Happy birthday, Frank, by the way. |
| Larry
|
And you’re in the same idiom, like, Italian… |
| Johnny
|
I’m sorry — did he call me an idiot? |
| Larry
|
No — idiom, idiom. |
| Sal
|
I think actually he did call you an — did you call Johnny Fiama an idiot? |
| Larry
|
No! I would never do that! |
| Sal
|
Hey, listen, Larry, I want you to know — we didn’t get dressing rooms! There was no dressing room for Johnny, nothin’! |
| Johnny
|
Sal… It’s all right… |
| Sal
|
No audience to applaud… |
| Johnny
|
No, okay, Sal… |
| Sal
|
I wasn’t allowed to introduce him… |
| Johnny
|
Excuse me, Larry… I’m going to speak to Sal in Italian for a moment. |
| Sal
|
No, I really don’t think it’s right! |
| Johnny
|
Sal — basta! [speaks to Sal in angry Italian for a moment] |
| Sal
|
Sorry, Johnny. |
| Johnny
|
Sorry, Larry. Excuse us. |
| Sal
|
Sorry there, Mister K. |
| Larry
|
Okay, it’s all right. No, you can get mad, you’re entitled. I think you should have had a dressing room. And I’m sorry to see that you hadn’t. |
| Johnny
|
No. It’s okay. |
| Larry
|
Okay. |
| Sal
|
No, it isn’t, really. All right, I’ll drop it. |
| Larry
|
What do you do on that show? Do you sing? |
| Johnny
|
I do a little singing, yes, and I also — |
| Larry
|
[to Sal] Wait a minute. What are you doing? |
| Sal
|
Excuse me? |
| Larry
|
What are you doing? |
| Sal
|
Oh, I’m doing my hair. |
| Johnny
|
Sal… |
| Larry
|
That’s very distracting. What are you doing? |
| Sal
|
Well, I was just taking care of my hair. It’s very important, y’know. |
| Larry
|
Does he do that on your program? |
| Johnny
|
Yes, he does, Larry. |
| Larry
|
Does he attempt to steal your show? |
| Johnny
|
Yes. Yes. If you don’t mind, Sal — we’re on Larry King! |
| Sal
|
I’m sorry. |
| Larry
|
When you have guests… |
| Johnny
|
Yes. |
| Larry
|
You talk to the guests. |
| Johnny
|
Yes, I do. |
| Larry
|
What does Sal do? |
| Johnny
|
Sal, uh… well, he usually brings cannolis. |
| Sal
|
I bring cannolis and I bodyguard. |
| Johnny
|
Right. He makes sure everything goes real well. |
| Larry
|
You bodyguard… Does Johnny ever have threats on his life? |
| Sal
|
Well, yeah. Sometimes. |
| Larry
|
And you protect him. |
| Sal
|
Oh, yeah. You know, when we go to the grocery store and stuff like that, sometimes we’ll be trying to get in the line, and there’ll be some, y’know, some big lady in the way, so, you know, I get her out of the way so that Johnny can get to the register. |
| Johnny
|
Yeah, y’know, or prosciutto’s like $12.99 a pound, and I say, Sal, this is too expensive, and they lower it. |
| Larry
|
So you push her out of the way. |
| Sal
|
Yeah, I push her out of the way. I negotiate with the butcher. That sort of thing. |
| Larry
|
Okay. You got an important job, then, Sal. |
| Sal
|
Yeah. You know. |
| Larry
|
Okay. You guys are branching out on Muppets Tonight. I understand you have your own talk show, and Tony Bennett was a guest. |
| Johnny
|
Yes, he was. Oh. What a pleasure. What a pleasure he is. |
| Larry
|
He’s a real hero of yours, right? |
| Johnny
|
Oh my, yes. He is such a fabulous man. And we have so many things in common, Tony and I. |
| Larry
|
Like what? |
| Johnny
|
Well, we both love linguini marinara. And we both realized that, really, the only thing that you can’t get in LA, that you can get in New York, is good bread. |
| Sal
|
That’s true! |
| Johnny
|
Because of the water. |
| Larry
|
Wait a minute. This is something you have in common with Tony Bennett? |
| Johnny
|
Yes. |
| Sal
|
He’s a great bread connoisseur, you know. |
| Johnny
|
Tony loves bread. |
| Sal
|
He sure does. |
| Larry
|
How about singing? |
| Johnny
|
Oh. Well. Yeah. He’s a master. I mean, he needs a little help every now and then, but he’s doing good. |
| Larry
|
Okay. Your show is — you have an audience, right? You’re like The Tonight Show or Letterman, right? |
| Johnny
|
Well, uh… Yes. |
| Larry
|
Sal, are you on camera when you bring him on? |
| Sal
|
Oh, yeah. I kind of rare up the audience, and get them going, and I get the audience to applaud — because, you know, if they don’t applaud, they got me to answer to later. |
| Larry
|
I see. You’re a tough guy. |
| Sal
|
Well, yeah. I’m a tough monkey. |
| Larry
|
Okay. So you get ’em all revved up. |
| Johnny
|
He’s kind of like the Ed McMahon. If I may. |
| Sal
|
I’m kind of the — y’know what, Larry? I’m kind of the funny one. [Johnny glares at him] It’s not really true. Actually, Johnny’s just as funny, at least. |
| Johnny
|
Why am I here? Why — why am I here? |
| Sal
|
Hey, you need to fix your holly there? Your holly’s a bit crooked there. |
| Johnny
|
All right, okay, all right. |
| Larry
|
Why do you tolerate him, Johnny? |
| Johnny
|
Well… I feel sorry for him, Larry, to tell you the truth. I mean, the guy’s had a hard life. He’s all right; he’s just a little hyperactive, that’s all. |
| Larry
|
But, I mean… you have an enormous amount of understanding… I don’t mean to talk in your presence, Sal. |
| Sal
|
What? |
| Larry
|
Well, you have problems… and Johnny’s awful nice to… |
| Sal
|
Well, he is awful nice. You know? He gave me this ring on my finger, but I lost the stone. |
| Johnny
|
Yeah. He lost the stone. |
|
Sal |
I didn’t lose the stone, actually. I know where it is. It’s at a pawn shop. I can get it back. And he gave me this necklace, here… |
| Johnny
|
You pawned the stone? |
| Sal
|
What? |
| Johnny
|
You pawned the stone. |
| Sal
|
Well, yeah, I did. How do you think I got the video machine? |
| Johnny
|
I thought, but… What’s the matter with you? |
| Sal
|
Well, I can get it back. |
| Johnny
|
I can’t… I can’t believe you pawned the stone! I’m not getting it back! |
| Larry
|
He pawned the stone. |
| Sal
|
It’s all right. It was Johnny’s father’s ring. |
| Larry
|
Let’s talk a little about Christmas. What did you get, Johnny, for Christmas? |
| Johnny
|
Well, I got quite a few things. Sal gave me a few things. He gave me a razor, and some cufflinks. |
| Sal
|
And I gave you those kerchiefs. |
| Johnny
|
Yeah, he gave me kerchiefs with my initials on it. |
| Sal
|
No, it’s true, you know what I do? I take my hair and I can weave it up, and then I make ’em into kerchiefs. Kinda smelly, but they’re nice. |
| Larry
|
How do you do that? |
| Sal
|
Well, y’know what, I take my hair — you see how loose my hair is? Y’see? I do that, and then I comb it out, and I use what’s left in the comb, and I make up kerchiefs. |
| Larry
|
I see. And show ’em how you exercise. |
| Sal
|
Oh, that’s for my arms. [Sal throws his arms back and forth.] |
| Johnny
|
Gettin’ a little workout there. |
| Sal
|
Y’know, being a bodyguard, you gotta be fit. Gotta have those arms ready. |
| Larry
|
I see. You’ve gotta be ready at any time. Okay. You have the tree up at your house for Christmas — he lives in your house, Johnny? |
| Johnny
|
Yes, he does. We put the tree up the other night. |
| Larry
|
Sal, you’re getting a little overexuberant. |
| Johnny
|
Sal! Sal. |
| Sal
|
What? What? |
| Johnny
|
I’m talkin’. I’m talkin’. |
| Sal
|
Oh — oh, sorry, Johnny. I’m sorry. |
| Johnny
|
We put up the tree the other night. Sal put the little angel on the top. |
| Sal
|
Yeah, that’s right. Only, y’know what? I stepped out on the tree, and it overbalanced. |
| Johnny
|
Yeah. Busted the angel’s head right off. |
| Sal
|
I know. And I landed right on the cat. |
| Johnny
|
And then the next thing you know, the lights blow, and the tree’s on fire… |
| Sal
|
That’s right. |
| Johnny
|
And Ma gets all upset, so… we don’t have a tree. |
| Sal
|
Yeah, and we burned the cat as well. |
| Johnny
|
It looks better. |
| Larry
|
So, it’s kind of a sad Christmas, in a sense. |
| Johnny
|
Well, no, no. |
| Sal
|
Are you kiddin’? You shoulda heard last year. That’s a good year. |
| Johnny
|
Yeah. Things are going really well. |
| Larry
|
Now, you’ve got your own Christmas show, right? |
| Johnny
|
Oh, yeah — and as a matter of fact, Larry, if I may ask you… Would you like to be on our show? |
| Larry
|
Oh… Sal, Johnny… I’d be deeply honored. |
| Sal
|
Oh, would you! |
| Johnny
|
We would be deeply honored. |
| Larry
|
Honored to be on your show… |
| Sal
|
We would be more than honored to have you on our show! |
| Larry
|
I’d be honored! Doubly honored! |
| Sal
|
NO NO NO! We would be MORE honored! |
| Larry
|
I’D be honored! |
| Sal
|
NO, I’m TELLING you… |
| Johnny
|
Sal, Sal… basta! |
| Sal
|
Excuse me? I’m sorry, Larry. |
| Larry
|
I’d be honored. But how could we do this? I’m in the middle of my show. |
| Johnny
|
Well, I’ll tell ya — the funny thing is, is that Sal brought everything over… |
| Sal
|
That’s right! |
| Johnny
|
And we set it up next door, there. |
| Larry
|
Wait — you brought your set here? |
| Johnny
|
Yeah. |
| Larry
|
So, in other words, we could just — in the next portion, do like a show within a show. |
| Sal
|
That’s right! |
| Johnny
|
Let’s just jump right to it! |
| Larry
|
So, in other words, I’m on your show, while you’re on my show, but we’re doing it from your show’s set. |
| Sal
|
That’s right, it’ll be the Johnny Fiama Show in the Larry King Show! |
| Johnny
|
Creative, isn’t it? |
| Larry
|
Okay. We’re gonna do this. Okay? |
| Sal
|
Yeah! |
| Larry
|
We’re gonna do it. When we come back, I’m on Johnny’s show. Sal will introduce it, right? |
| Sal
|
All right! |
| Larry
|
Don’t go away! |
Yeah, don’t go away! Next in the Anthology:
Johnny and Sal’s Christmas Eve with Larry King concludes with
The Johnny Fiama Show on the Larry King Show!
by Danny Horn
