Ernie vs Bert
— Round 5 —
Something Exciting
Here’s a sketch from the mid-70’s that shows that Ernie doesn’t have to have the upper hand all the time…
| Ernie
|
Hey, y’know what, Bert? |
| Bert
|
Yeah? |
| Ernie
|
I’d like to do something really exciting today, huh? |
| Bert
|
Yeah? Yeah? |
| Ernie
|
You know, really exciting. Wouldn’t you like to do something, you know, like, oh, I don’t know, something fantastic, like, go to a parade, or maybe a circus, or, uh, how about a great big birthday party, how about that, Bert? |
| Bert
|
Well… |
| Ernie
|
Wouldn’t that be exciting? |
| Bert
|
Oh, I don’t know… |
| Ernie
|
Oh, boy, I’d like to do something exciting. Hmm. |
| Bert
|
Hey! I’ve got it! You want to do something exciting? |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, Bert! |
| Bert
|
Oh, boy! I know something! |
| Ernie
|
Whatcha got, Bert? |
| Bert
|
Oh, it’s more exciting than a birthday party, or a circus, or a parade. |
| Ernie
|
Yeah? Oh, great, Bert! |
| Bert
|
Stay right there — I’ll be right back. [ Bert exits. ] |
| Ernie
|
Yeah? Oh, wow! Something more exciting than a birthday party, or a parade, or a circus. I wonder what it could be. Bert! What could be more exciting than a parade or a circus or a birthday party, huh, Bert? |
| Bert
|
My BOTTLE CAP collection! |
| [ Bert enters, with his bottle caps arranged neatly on a bulletin board. ] | |
| Bert
|
Oh, Ernie, look at them all… aren’t they beautiful? |
| Ernie
|
Your… bottle cap collection? |
| Bert
|
My bottle cap collection. You wanna take a look? |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, well, uh… |
| Bert
|
Oh, be careful… are your hands clean? |
| Ernie
|
Uh, yeah, sure, Bert… yeah. |
| Bert
|
See all these beautiful little babies there? Now, up there, see, that’s a Raspberry Smash, and that’s a Goodo Juice — and that’s a hard one to find, a Rhubarb Delight bottle cap. |
| Ernie
|
Oh, yeah, Bert. |
| Bert
|
Huh? Huh? Huh? I bet when you look at those bottle caps, you really get excited. Boy, I sure do. |
| Ernie
|
That’s… uh, great, Bert… |
| Bert
|
You may notice that I’ve got two — count ’em, two! — Prune Pops. Huh? Is that great? |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, sure, Bert. Whoo-hoo. |
| Bert
|
I’m going to try to get a Yummy Ade too. Oh. This is great. |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, well, uh, I tell you what, Bert, it isn’t very exciting to me. |
| Bert
|
It’s not? |
| Ernie
|
No. |
| Bert
|
Oh, Ernie, well, it is to me! |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, well… |
| Bert
|
Oh, yeah, I mean, after all, everyone’s different. I mean, you like circuses, parades, birthday parties, stuff like that. And me — I like bottle caps! You know, it all depends on your point of view. Right? |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, I guess so, Bert. |
| Bert
|
Sure. Now, take a look. See the center there, where there’s no bottle caps at all? |
| Ernie
|
Mmm hmm. [ Ernie yawns. ] |
| Bert
|
That place, I am reserving for the bottle cap I’ve been looking for, for so long! |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, Bert? |
| Bert
|
And that is the 12-ounce bottle of Figgy Fizz! That’s the bottle cap I want there. |
| Ernie
|
12-ounce Figgy Fizz? |
| Bert
|
If I can only find that… oh, it would be right there. |
| Ernie
|
Yeah… Hey, Bert, uh… here you are, Bert. |
| Bert
|
What’s that? |
| Ernie
|
I found it on the sidewalk this morning. |
| Bert
|
[ gasp! ] Ernie — it’s a Figgy Fizz! |
| Ernie
|
Mm hmm. It’s a 12-ounce size. |
| Bert
|
It’s a — it’s a 12-ounce size of Figgy Fizz! |
| Ernie
|
Yeah… you want me to put it in there? |
| Bert
|
Oh, be careful, though — be careful now — are your hands clean? Now, take it easy… |
| Ernie
|
I told you they were clean, Bert… |
| Bert
|
Oh! I found a Figgy Fizz! A Figgy Fizz! |
| Ernie
|
Okay, there you are, Bert. All done. |
| Bert
|
Oh! That’s beautiful! I’m so excited. I better go lie down a while. |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, you do that, Bert. |
| Bert
|
Oh — thank you, Ernie! |
| Ernie
|
Yeah. |
| Bert
|
Oh, oh, Figgy Fizz! [ Bert rushes off, kissing his bottle cap. ] Mwa! Oh boy! |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, well… it sure has been an exciting day, hasn’t it. [ Ernie sits down and sighs. ] |
Color Commentary:
I don’t know exact dates on any of these sketches, so I’m could be wrong on this, but I’m willing to bet that this is the first time Bert ever got the upper hand on Ernie… and it’s the day he became a Fan.
Up until this point, Bert’s been the butt of Ernie’s jokes, the straight man of the piece. In all these color commentaries, I’ve been enjoying how Ernie keeps putting one over on the square older-brother type. But as soon as Bert becomes a collector, the tables turn a bit. All of a sudden, Bert’s the passionate, excitable one — at least in this one obscure area — and, it turns out, the thing he’s excited about is even weirder than Ernie’s usual obsessions. I mean, yeah, Ernie calls his bathtub Rosie and wears Aunt Matilda’s hat, but does he kiss bottlecaps? No. You need a Fan for that kind of deep weirdness.
In fact, compared to Bert’s idea of excitement, Ernie’s ideas seem kind of… well, kind of tame, don’t they? A circus, a parade, a birthday party — they’re straight out of the official kid handbook. Kids like that stuff, sure, but the really interesting kids like the oddball stuff, like collecting bottlecaps, or building alien towers out of mashed potatos, or reading Muppet-fan websites.
After years of being Ernie’s fall guy, Bert finally gets a personality in this sketch. And guess what? He’s us. Who knew.
by Danny Horn
