Ernie vs Bert
— Round 4 —
A Fine Mess
Yeah, I know, it’s been a while, but how about a couple more Ernie and Bert sketches? These are from the early-to-mid 70’s:
| [ Bert wraps a big present as Ernie enters. ] | |
| Bert
|
Ha, ha… boy oh boy. |
| Ernie
|
Hi there, Bert. What’ve you got there? |
| Bert
|
Oh, hi, Ernie. I just wrapped this present here… |
| Ernie
|
A present? A present, Bert? Oh, wow, what a surprise! Oh boy, am I surprised, Bert. Gee, you just shouldn’t have done it. |
| Bert
|
Oh, Ernie, oh, no, what it is, see, Ernie… |
| Ernie
|
No, don’t tell me what it is, you’ll spoil the surprise. Let me just guess what it is. Y’know, I bet it’s a new football! |
| Bert
|
Oh, no, Ernie… |
| Ernie
|
You just knew I wanted a new football, don’t you, Bert? |
| Bert
|
No, Ernie… |
| Ernie
|
Just one second, Bert, I’ll be right back. |
| [ Ernie dashes off screen and rummages around. Ernie starts flinging junk around; some of it hits Bert in the face.] | |
| Bert
|
No, no, let me explain, you see… Ernie… |
| [ Ernie comes back in, wearing his football helmet and singing the Northwestern fight song. ] | |
| Ernie
|
Go, Northwestern… Okay, I’ve got my football helmet on, I’m all ready to open my new football. |
| Bert
|
No. |
| Ernie
|
No? |
| Bert
|
It’s not a football. |
| Ernie
|
Not a football. |
| Bert
|
No. Take that silly helmet off, it’s not a football! |
| [ Ernie takes his helmet off, and throws it casually over his shoulder. Bert watches it crash to the floor. ] | |
| Ernie
|
Okay, don’t tell me what it is, I will guess what it is, if it’s not a football. |
| Bert
|
Okay, okay. I’ve had it. |
| Ernie
|
It’s just the right size for… a CAKE! |
| Bert
|
No! |
| Ernie
|
It’s a CAKE, Bert! I know that’s what it is, it’s a cake! Just one second, Bert, I’ll be right back. |
| [ Ernie hurries off and starts throwing stuff around again. ] | |
| Bert
|
Ernie… oh, Ernie, look, it is not… [ Something flies through the air and hits Bert right in the face. ] Okay, that does it… Ernie! |
| [ Ernie enters, with a bib and a fork. ] | |
| Ernie
|
Okay, I got my napkin on, I have my fork, and I’m all ready to eat my cake. So… |
| Bert
|
Ernie… hold it. |
| Ernie
|
What? |
| Bert
|
It is not a cake. Ernie, old pal… |
| Ernie
|
Well then, I’ll just keep guessing then, huh? |
| Bert
|
No, you don’t have to keep guessing, Ernie, because… |
| Ernie
|
No, don’t tell me what it is, Bert, because you’ll spoil the surprise. I’ll just guess it. Okay? Don’t worry. Hey, I know what it is, it must be a new lamp to put by my bed, so I can read! I knew it! Okay, just one second, Bert, I’ll be right back… |
| [ Ernie rummages around some more; junk flies by Bert’s head. ] | |
| Bert
|
Ernie, Ernie, I’m trying to tell you… what was that? Ernie, look… |
| [ Ernie enters, with a book. ] | |
| Ernie
|
I’ve got it — this is going to be the first book that I’m going to read with my new lamp, Bert. |
| Bert
|
It’s not. |
| Ernie
|
It’s not? |
| Bert
|
It’s not a lamp. |
| Ernie
|
It’s not a lamp? |
| Bert
|
No. It’s not a lamp. It’s not a football. It’s not a cake. I am trying to tell you, now please stop guessing! |
| Ernie
|
You’re right, Bert. You’re absolutely right. |
| Bert
|
Finally. |
| Ernie
|
Because if I guess what it is, I’ll spoil the surprise, right? |
| Bert
|
Right. |
| Ernie
|
I’ll just open it. |
| Bert
|
Well, not really, see, what it is… |
| [ Ernie reaches for the present and starts tearing it open. ] | |
| Ernie
|
Okay… da dum dum… |
| Bert
|
Ernie, Ernie! Please don’t open it! You don’t know what you’re doing! Look, you don’t understand, see, what that present is… Ernie… |
| [ Ernie opens the present, and pulls out a pink pillbox hat, with pink flowers on top. ] | |
| Ernie
|
Hey. Gee, it’s a… it’s a hat. |
| Bert
|
Yeah. |
| Ernie
|
With a veil. |
| Bert
|
Yeah. |
| Ernie
|
And flowers on top, too. |
| Bert
|
Right. Right. |
| Ernie
|
Well, see, Bert… I really am surprised. |
| Bert
|
Yeah? |
| Ernie
|
Yeah. |
| Bert
|
Well, uh, you know who else is going to be surprised, Ernie? |
| Ernie
|
Who? |
| Bert
|
My Aunt Matilda! |
| Ernie
|
She is? |
| Bert
|
Yeah, when she finds out that YOU opened the surprise present I bought for HER! |
| Ernie
|
… Gee, Bert. Did you buy one of these for her, too? |
| [ Ernie puts on the hat and exits. Bert moans, and collapses on the floor. ] |
| [ Ernie is standing around, humming to himself, when Bert enters. ] | |
| Ernie
|
Hum, toot toot, ba dum bum bum… |
| Bert
|
Hey, Ernie. |
| Ernie
|
Oh, hi, Bert! |
| Bert
|
Hi. |
| Ernie
|
Oh boy, am I glad to see you. |
| Bert
|
You are? |
| Ernie
|
Yes, because I have a very important note for you. |
| Bert
|
Oh, you do, a note! |
| Ernie
|
Yes, a note. It’s a little hand written note, and I have it, and it’s for you. |
| Bert
|
Where is it? |
| Ernie
|
Well, it was in my pocket a minute ago. |
| Bert
|
Well, find it. Get it. |
| Ernie
|
Let’s see. Maybe I put it in my toybox. Just a minute. |
| [ Ernie starts rummaging through the toybox. ] | |
| Bert
|
Your toybox. Okay. |
| [ As Ernie goes through the box, he throws toys over his shoulder — a truck, a ball, a baseball glove — tossing them behind him, narrowly missing Bert. ] | |
| Bert
|
Hey, Ernie… hey, watch it, you know, take it easy. |
| Ernie
|
I had it around here somewhere, Bert. |
| Bert
|
Hey, if it’s a very important note, I’d like to have it. You know. Come on. |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, well, I had it right here… [ He keeps tossing toys. ] |
| Bert
|
Ernie… you’re making a mess of this place trying to find the note. |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, well… |
| Bert
|
Who wrote it? |
| Ernie
|
I did, Bert. |
| Bert
|
You did? |
| Ernie
|
Yeah. |
| Bert
|
Then why don’t you just tell me what you said in it? |
| Ernie
|
Well, if I could remember what I said in it, I wouldn’t have to write it down, Bert. |
| Bert
|
I guess that — [ A toy hits Bert in the face. He does a slow burn. ] |
| Ernie
|
I have it around here somewhere… |
| Bert
|
ERNIE!!! |
| Ernie
|
Rubber Duckie, have you seen my note? [ He squeezes Rubber Duckie. ] You haven’t seen it either, huh? |
| Bert
|
Hasn’t seen the note. Good. Good. Okay. Just get the note, Ernie, okay? |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, well, it’s around here somewhere. |
| Bert
|
You’re throwing things around the apartment, Ernie! You’re making a mess here! |
| Ernie
|
Maybe it’s… it must be in the clothes hamper if it’s not in the toybox. |
| Bert
|
Yeah. Clothes hamper… What’s a note doing in the clothes hamper? |
| [ Ernie starts looking through the clothes hamper, tossing random items of clothing behind his shoulder. ] | |
| Bert
|
Come on, will you cut it out? Is the note important? Is it that important, really? |
| Ernie
|
Yeah, it’s very important, Bert. |
| Bert
|
Well, it better be, because you’re making a real mess of this apartment. Look at all this junk… My pants! |
| [ Ernie tosses a sheet over his shoulder, it comes to rest on Bert’s shoulder. Bert brushes it off. ] | |
| Bert
|
Okay, Ernie. Cut it out. HOLD it! |
| Ernie
|
Wait a minute! |
| Bert
|
Ernie! Ernie! Will you find the note, please! |
| Ernie
|
Here it is, Bert! I found the note! Would you believe that. Here. |
| Bert
|
Finally! |
| Ernie
|
Here, I’ll let you read it. |
| Bert
|
This better be important. |
| Ernie
|
Oh, it is, Bert. It’s very important. |
| Bert
|
Okay. It says… |
| Ernie
|
What’s it say? |
| Bert
|
“Dear Bert… It’s your turn to clean up… the apartment… Love, Ernie.” |
| [ Ernie laughs, and exits. Bert sighs. ] |
Color Commentary:
This whole exercise is very valuable for me, personally, because I never really realized until now exactly how hostile Ernie is.
According to Chuck Jones in his book Chuck Amuck, Bugs Bunny cartoons always had to involve some sort of justification for Bugs to get mad. Bugs was such a powerful figure, so easily dominating any situation, that they always had to start the cartoon with him being peaceful and calm, sitting in his rabbit hole, not bothering anybody. Then Yosemite Sam comes along, or Elmer Fudd stops by with a gun, or they bulldoze the forest and put up an opera house over his hole, or what have you, and Bugs is forced to get involved. And even with provocation, it usually takes a minute for Bugs to really warm up; he’ll usually tap the offender on the shoulder, ask what’s up, and try to patiently explain that he’s just trying to live there in peace. It’s only after they take a swing at him that he yells, “Of course, you realize that this means war!” And then it’s all over for the bully.
And that makes sense, because otherwise Bugs would be the bully, and that would be intolerable. I’d always figured Ernie and Bert worked the same way.
But no. In these sketches, just like the ones I posted in Round 3, Bert has done absolutely nothing to incur Ernie’s wrath. In fact — by any reasonable standards — Bert is impossibly, unrealistically patient with Ernie. He even calls him “Ernie, old pal,” after two minutes of getting hit in the face with flying trash. Bert could not possibly act in a more exemplary way in these sketches.
And Ernie is just straight-up messing with him, there’s no way around it. Not only does he ignore Bert’s impassioned pleas, trash the apartment, and steal Aunt Matilda’s hat — he also clearly throws stuff directly into Bert’s face. Half the fun of these sketches is that Ernie (and the off-screen stagehands) are clearly and deliberately aiming at Bert’s pointy head, just because it’s funny to watch stuff twang off Bert’s nose. In the second sketch, you can actually see Ernie keep throwing clothes at Bert until he manages to get something to drape on Bert’s body for a second. (He misses Bert’s head when he tosses the sheet, which is clearly frustrating to both Henson and Oz.)
So, Ernie’s picking on Bert for no reason, and there’s just one thing that keeps him funny and not despicable… and that’s his boundless enthusiasm. No matter what he does, you can’t help but love a guy who gets that excited about a new bedside lamp. He dives into every moment, committing fully to whatever it is that’s happening just then. It’s just endlessly engaging.
So he steals hats. Nobody’s perfect.
by Danny Horn
